Something new

With a lot of help, here is Krassi sitting in the chair. He'd been climbing up into a friend's lap during our Bible study, and after they left, he wanted to do it himself!

It's not very evident from this angle, but sitting up is really not something this boy can do. His upper body core is so weak - he's compensated for so long with his arms (which are rock solid, despite being small) that his core doesn't really know what to do with itself, and within a very short period of time he just crumples forward until he can rest his head on his knees.

Tomorrow he starts occupational therapy at the World's Best Children's Therapy Center. ;) (This is in addition to his physical therapy and speech/feeding therapy.) Amazingly, the schedulers there have managed to get schedules arranged such that he can get an hour time slot with a therapist on both of the mornings that we're already there during the time that we already have to be there for Reuben, so now both boys will have 2.5 hours of therapies over the same 2.5 hour period so it won't take up any more of our day than therapy trips already do. Yay!

Working with him on the skill of sitting using his upper body is one of his primary goals because doing this will free his hands up for so many things - signing, playing, eventually self-feeding, besides just all of the benefits of being upright. We're excited for him.

The photo finale

Thank you for waiting (for those of you who have been following the progress on the addition.)

I had a chance to get upstairs and get some pictures of how the rooms for Matt's mom turned out, so I hope you enjoy seeing where the last year-plus has brought us.

The Bathroom

Building the shelves was a fun finishing piece. We made the shelf below the light switch deeper than the others so we could hang a fabric curtain behind the face trim to cover the lower shelves. Baskets on the upper shelves help to contain small items, and the lower shelves provide a place to stash things that aren't "pretty," like extra rolls of toilet paper, or ice cream buckets with curlers, etc.

Here is what it looks like with the door closed. I still really like the doors we picked. ;)

 The Front (Sitting) Room

This is the "sneak peek" photo I shared already, but wanted to include it again so the post would be complete. I love that the piano lives here, because this piano belonged to Matt's dad's parents - who owned our house before we did - so that piano lived for many years in what is now our dining room, then for many years at Matt's parents' house, and now back here, but in a different room. (Please note, too, that the top shelf of the bank at the left of the photo is still not in place. It's cut, stained, and ready, but not in.)

Looking back toward the west, you can see how the two small chair tuck in under the lowering ceiling.

And turning a bit to the right you can see out the door to the hallway, and the door to the hall coat closet.

 The Hall and Stair

Looking down the stairs (with the bathroom door behind me, the bedroom to my right, and the front room to my left), you can see the trim band that runs off the landing window head, around the corner, and becomes the top edge of the built in shelf. The two-tone walls continue to be interesting to watch as they change in different kinds of light and times of day.

The door frame provides a natural place to end the trim band.

 The Bedroom

Walking into the bedroom, the big windows provide a lot of light even though they face north (and usually have the shades pulled!)

Standing at the north wall looking south-east you can see the closet door, and also how the tall armoire just fits. We measured her furniture while we were still in the design phase of the project so we knew that her bedroom set would fit!

Looking south-west toward the door to the hall you can see the still-open opening to the bigger storage closet. We had talked about doors versus a curtain, and are thinking now that this will be a curtain. Barb has some fabric left over that matches her bedding, so I plan to use that for the curtain, or at least a border on the curtain, depending how much fabric is actually left.

It's nice having these spaces done. Many many hours of hard work by many people went into this project, and even though we don't have the whole thing done, having this part of our goal complete is quite satisfying.

trapped

It happens every now and then, and infrequently enough that it catches me completely by surprise when it does. This time it hit on a Sunday morning. We finally managed to all get out the door, a few minutes later than I like to (a good thing Matt's not teaching an adult Sunday School class this term! Not a nice thing for the teacher to get there late on the first week!) and don't even have the chance to decompress together, Matt and I, after hurried harried words to each other, because we don't all fit in one vehicle, so I drive the van and he drives the car.
Half way there I see her - a mother, out for a walk with her child in a stroller. And BAM it chokes me in the center of my chest as I realize I can't do that. Something as simple as taking a walk with my child on a beautiful sunny morning is out of my reach. I spend so much time and mental energy juggling the pieces that I have to juggle - meals, laundry, diapers - and all the various restrictions that my children have - naps, physical limitations, cognitive limitations - that sometimes I can't keep up.

God has ways of speaking in these moments. Our pastor was preaching on Psalm 10 that morning. It was not his main point, but toward the end of the sermon he touched on the first verse of that Psalm - God, where are you? Why aren't you here when I'm in trouble? - and commented on how it's possible to have a gap between our feelings and reality.

What were my feelings telling me? "You're trapped. You can't do it. You'll never be able to do what you want or be the mom you want to be for these kids."

And in the shadowy hole I was in the best I could do to fight back against those lies was a feeble recognition that they weren't true, and the vague memory that God has given me the life that I have and that he is good. And that's all - just a cold, hard fact without any substance for me to hold onto.

~~

A number of  years ago I picked up a book from our church library by John Piper called Battling Unbelief. It's basic premise is that the root of all sin is a failure to believe in the promises God has made to us, and thus, the  battle against sin in our lives is in reality a battle against unbelief, and the way we fight that battle is to fight for faith in the grace that God is holding out to us. This has been such a freeing concept for me in its single-focus nature. The faith that saves us is the same thing that sets us free from the power of sin in our day to day life. Anyway, this is relevant because I purchased copies of the book for the members of our small group to read in their spare time, and after our Bible study on the last Friday, one member asked if he could read one of the chapters that he and his wife were finally getting to. The chapter? Battling Despondency.

~~

God, what's going on? I'm trapped! I feel like I have my arms tied behind my back and am helpless to act! [fight it, Andrea, fight it - you know that's not what's true...]

That same Sunday morning we sang a song with the refrain:

More than watchman for the morning I will wait for you my God

When my fears come with no warning, in your word I put my trust

This is, of course, right from Psalm 130, which I think I have referenced before. It's good enough to repeat it again:

Out of the depths I have cried to You, O LORD.
Lord, hear my voice!
          Let Your ears be attentive
          To the voice of my supplications.
If You, LORD, should mark iniquities,
          O Lord, who could stand?
But there is forgiveness with You,
          That You may be feared.
I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait,
          And in His word do I hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
          More than the watchmen for the morning;
          Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the LORD;
          For with the LORD there is lovingkindness,
          And with Him is abundant redemption.
And He will redeem Israel
          From all his iniquities.

Recognizing my own failings as a part of where I was emotionally, this Psalm is particularly encouraging - with him there is forgiveness! redemption! There is hope!

No resolution, but it was at least something to battle with.

~~

Then came Monday. Another day with incredible, beautiful weather. The intensity of that moment on the way to church has faded, but I'm still in the shadow of it. I went down to pick Reuben up from the bus, and walked up the driveway with him thinking what a great day this would be to go to a playground! And it all came tumbling back. I can't. I'm stuck. I can't just "go to a playground." Seriously - Vania's up and will need to nap soon. Rinnah's napping, and will be waking up soon. Reuben is hit or miss - going anywhere without walls with a non-verbal wanderer is no insignificant undertaking. And Krassi - how can I do Krassi justice if we *do* manage to get to a park and I'm holding Vania and Reuben's running off (and needing, as usual, physical cues to come back.) Poor guy's going to have to just sit in his wagon again, because I can't let him down on the ground - there's too much paved surface there, and he'll do what he always does near pavement and drag himself over to it, and then pull himself across it and scrape himself up and not realize he's doing it. And anyway, even if I could get to a playground I can't because then who will make supper? We're having pork chops and roasted potatoes. I can have Matt put the pork chops in the oven, but I can't cut up the potatoes and leave them sitting there waiting - they'll turn black. Yuck.

I'm stuck. I'm trapped in this house! I can't ever leave it, not even into my own yard! What kind of a life am I giving my kids? I can't do it all!

Lies. In particular, the lie behind these thoughts that was fighting to be believed is that what I'm doing is not good enough. And, like the best lies, it was full of things that are true. But lies, nonetheless. And again I was fumbling to hear it, to fight against the lie and instead hold onto the truth that God has given me this life, and that what God does for his children is good and for their good.


Mashed potatoes. I can mash the potatoes, and then they can sit in water while they wait and they won't turn black. Vania's getting tired - let's lay her down and wake up Rin and let's do it! (Thankful again that Matt works from home so I can lay the baby down and leave the house!)

Rinnah and her baby

Reuben is getting so adept at climbing - AND his attention and ability to stay by the playground equipment has also dramatically improved from a year ago.

I had arms free, so Krassi got to play on the equipment!

This is how he gets around - no wonder the muscles in that right shoulder are so well developed! He's heading toward a slide. ;)

Leah can climb on anything she wants to this year.

And Owen was excited about the great route of paths through this particular park.

It would be easy to look at those photos and think there was an automatic happy ending to the story - saved by mashed potatoes! (And a good nap out of Evania.) But that would be a false read. Although without a doubt I see that lovely hour at the playground as a smile from my Daddy, an hour at the playground is not the way to fight this battle - it addresses the symptoms, but not the core.

~~

I found Krassi here that same Monday.

Krassi, who has always had a great interest in the addition, was delighted to find that we'd moved the piece of wood that had propped up against this opening, and that he could now lay on the bare subfloor.

Does that look like a boy who feels "trapped" inside the house?

I didn't think so.

This photo, now, looks like a photo of a boy who feels trapped.

An early photo of Krassi taken right about the time that God began to tell us to start moving toward adoption - months before we first saw his picture and began pursuing him.

Moments like these give me a real flesh-and-blood counter to the feelings threatening to keep me in their grip.

Tuesday was a turning point. I know very well why God instructs his people to gather together, to carry each other's burdens, and to strive together for the faith of the gospel.* It started in the morning when I had a chance to share my struggle briefly with Reuben's physical therapist who was able to both be a listening ear as I confessed aloud that my own lack of time filling myself with God's words had made me weak, had brought me to a place where the strength to fight was low. He's also always one to remind me to look for the goodness of God in my life in the here-and-now - that the wanting of these things (wanting to be outside with my children on a beautiful day) in itself is not wrong! I left the center that morning with a sharper vision of where the battle lay.

Later that day I took the time to email a dear friend who lives just far enough away that getting ourselves (and our eleven-almost-twelve children between us) together doesn't happen as often as we wish. What a faithful friend - her reply was so healing for me! She shared similar sentiments of feeling trapped, for her by severely debilitating morning (all day!) sickness, but didn't end there - she used that as a starting point from which to share her own weapons for the battle. Here are some of her words to me:

So isn't is GOOD to look beyond our "feelings" and KNOW that what is IMPOSSIBLE with man is POSSIBLE with God?

I'm certainly not suggesting that if we pray enough and have enough faith that our "genie god" will pop up and grant our every wish, but it IS likely our real Father God may do something beyond what we can ask or imagine...as we wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

You have my prayers, dear sister.  Don't rush the healing work God is doing in your heart.

~~~

Wednesday morning I woke and made a point of feeding my soul - hard to do my due diligence in battle if I don't eat, right? It was a pretty pathetic attempt, because physical fatigue is a very real part of our life (going to bed is not always restful, thanks to Reuben), but it was something.

That afternoon the kids and I were all piled into Owen and Krassi's room finishing up some history reading for the day. As we finished I gave Reuben the heads up that we'd have to go out in a few minutes, in an effort to ease the transition (he loves Owen's room, and transitions of any sort are tough for him.) Argh. The words were out too late - he immediately starts signing "outside? outside?" thinking that's what I'd meant by out. As I started to sink I thought, why not? and asked if he'd like to go for a short walk in the wagon. Yes. That was acceptable. So I piled him and Krassi into the wagon in their hoodies because of the brisk wind, and on a whim asked Leah if she could take Vania for a little bit so I didn't have to bring her out into the cold. That dear girl happily obliged, and I got to take a short walk! Just like that! In the middle of the day!!! With my two little hooded boys in the wagon!

As I'm (finally!) writing this almost a week later, I am almost brought to tears. Do you see that? I got to take a walk!

Please don't misunderstand me - the taking of the walk, just like the going to park, was NOT the solution to my slide toward despair. That battle is and always will be one of choosing to believe that God is good and right in what he does, and that being trapped or not does not need to have any bearing on where my contentment comes from. But I do also want to remember that in the midst of my struggle, my God in his bountiful goodness delivered me from the struggle AND gave me the things I was desiring.

How can I help but stand in awe and admiration of a God like that?

* see Hebrews 10:25 and Galatians 6:2 and Philippians 1:27

Sneak Preview

I have yet to get complete pictures, but I was reminded by someone (you know who you are!) this morning that I have left many of you hanging after taking you through the whole year of the building process, then the final step by step through the completion of The List, and then...nothing.

So to temporarily alleviate any distress this may be causing any of you, here is one shot of the finished upstairs spaces complete with furniture and pictures on the walls!

I guess it's not entirely complete, because we're still missing the top shelf on the bank at the left. It's cut and varnished, but we just didn't quite get to putting it in before Grandma moved in. We'll get there.

It's a super cozy room (this is the front sitting room), but it doesn't get used that much because Grandma prefers to spend her time down with us. And we're happy about that. ;) It's been a really good thing having her here.

part of a family

I've always thought that one of the neat things about adoption is that a child goes from having no one to having not only a family in the sense of mom/dad/siblings, but also gains an extended family.

Last week we celebrated my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. Krassimir has great-grandparents! He is part of this family...

Our family with my grandparents

...and this family...

Our family, my parents, and my grandparents

...and this family!

All of us that made it to the anniversary party! We're missing my sister, her husband and daughter who live in Germany, and two of my cousins who also live far enough away that they weren't able to make it.

Today we were at a big Glewwe family reunion. And when I say big, I mean BIG, as in there were people there whose relationship to each other was that they were sixth cousins. That's going a long way back. Each of us had name tags custom made that listed out our geneology back to the original Charles Glewwe who just happens to be the point that connects all of us. Kind of mind-boggling. I have loved being part of this family because there is so much local history connected to it, and I didn't have that with my family of origin, so marrying into it was pretty neat. There was a Glewwe grocery store, and a Glewwe taxi service, and a Glewwe car dealership, and a number of other significant parts of the local economy. Everywhere we drive around town we're passing by the old houses that used to belong to Glewwes or their descendents, including the house we come home to every day. ;)

Lots and lots of Glewwes

And now Krassimir is part of that family. He has a family!! Not that much more than a year ago he had no one, and now he belongs to a FAMILY! We forgot our camera, so I don't have photos from the afternoon, but when I got home, I had to take this one.

Look at that. He's part of a family. ;) (As a point of interest, there is one family who has people down to the eight generation who were in attendance today. We had people from generations #4 through #8 at the picnic.)

And, apparently I was not the only one who thinks this is pretty cool, because look at this picture that I found on the camera when I downloaded photos tonight:

Daddy took that one. ;)

Just in case any one was wondering, this boy is not "Krassimir who got left in a terrible orphanage to fend for himself" but "Krassimir Emmanuel Glewwe who is part of a family and belongs to lots and lots of people who love him a whole lot."

And that's what I have to say about that.

First day of school

As proof that we're all still here despite my recent neglect of this blog, here are some photos from this week of the start of school.

We now have a second grader and a fourth grader at home...

...with a preschooler who sometimes joins them...

...and a "fifth" grader (or, as we say, he's in grade "K" for "Krassi" in a class all his own).

Krassi has discovered the really neat drawer under the small oven full of hotpads and cake pans. I spend my days putting these things into the drawer and he spends his pulling them back out.

Reuben started Kindergarten this year, and he is officially in the public school three days a week and home schooled two days a week. I love living in a district that is open to options like this as we do our best to do what is best for each one of our children. Reuben LOVES school, even more this year than he did his preschool last year, and tonight at supper when we told him tomorrow was another school day he got right up, grabbed his Bible, and tried to head out the door to catch the "buh."

This was the best photo I could get of Reuben's first day of kindergarten - he was so excited to get onto the bus that he was up those steps before I even had a chance to get a good photo of him!

He spends his day in a special ed classroom with a teacher and three paras, and various therapists...and five other students. Not a bad student-teacher ratio for a public school classroom, huh? ;) And he spends some of his time joining in with the mainstream class next door for things like art and music. He told us tonight that he had played drums during music yesterday. At least I think that's what he was saying. "Boom, bum!" "Did you play the drums during music??" "[cluck, cluck, cluck goes his tongue, which is how he says "music"]."

Krassi is set to be evaluated by the school district as well to see what kinds of services they can offer him. I'm much less willing to send him away just yet. He is in so many ways still just a baby, and mostly just needs to be with his mama. But to say he's just like a baby does him a great dis-service. I am excited to begin this process, though, because my experience so far with the district makes me expect that they will do a good job with Krassi at working with us as his family to do what is best for him, even if it is an atypical arrangement.

And Vania's just continuing to find her perfect place in her busy family. She is such a marvel to me to watch grow and learn - "normal" is such an incredible thing! (Though, for what it's worth, I'm the typical mom who deep down thinks she's very advanced for her age, and it doesn't help that at her 4 month check up yesterday, her doctor was also marveling at some of the ways she's engaging with her eyes and manipulating with her hands. Yes. ;) She's amazing.)