A room for T

This adoption is NOT going to have any major home remodeling/addition project associated with it, but there will be a few smaller scale modifications we do plan to do to make the accommodations for our new daughters a little bit nicer.

T's room is the easy one. Because she is developmentally like a newborn, she has no need for a separate bedroom in which to play and keep her things - she just needs a place big enough for her to sleep, and because of her seizures we want to keep her closer to us at night anyway. Reuben's "bedroom" is currently a space under the eaves that used to be a cold-storage closet, but we finished into a small play space when Owen was born. It runs the width of our bedroom, and though the ceiling is 4'6" at the highest, for a child that's enough, especially since most of what he does there is sleep.

 This is a photo of our bedroom, and you can see the opening into the closet at the far end of the room. (Convenient that we have nice photos of every room of the house taken recently as part of our commitment documents!)

T's little room is going to be on the *other* side of the bed. On this end, the closets were finished as regular storage spaces - some half-height hanging and one with shelves in it. They aren't as deep as the one on Reuben's side because the knee wall was framed much further in, but since all T needs is simply just a place to sleep, it will be just perfect.

Once it's done.

We started by pulling out everything we'd stored in there, as well as the two large shelves. It looks pretty nasty! We're not even sure if the plaster in there has ever been painted, or if it's still just the raw plaster.

 Just adding a coat of primer made a huge difference!

And, of course, this closet used to be full of stuff (out of size/season clothing for children, to be specific), and that stuff doesn't just disappear into thin air because we need the space, that means that we started going through two similar closets at the other end of the upstairs hallway as well to clear out enough stuff to make space for the things we're displacing for T!

These two hall closets are connected, and once the shelves (and the stuff) were taken out of the one, there was plenty of room to play!!

 It's been quite a job, and the upstairs currently looks like something exploded up there, but it's been a good excuse to go through old things (no, we really don't need *all* of our notes from classes we took in graduate school!) and to be wiser about how we store other things, besides being a lot of plain old fun to be working toward getting ready for a new member of our family!

Time frame

Some of you have been asking where things are in the timeline. We don't have dates we can put on anything yet, but here's where we are:

• we've submitted our commitment documents, and they've been accepted. 

• we're well on our way to having our home study completed - just waiting on background checks to be returned - everything else is done

• once we have the completed home study, we can submit it with our I800-A application to the USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services)
• once we get back approval on our I800-A, we can submit that along with the rest of our dossier (fancy name for all of the documents we need to collect and send) to the Bulgarian Minister of Justice
• when our dossier is approved by the MOJ, we will receive our invitation to travel for trip #1 (this is the point at which B will be informed that she has an interested family) 
•  after trip #1 we can submit our I800 to USCIS, and upon approval of that, we can send final documents to Bulgaria to allow them to finalize the adoptions
• once the adoptions are finalized, we will be given travel dates for trip #2 when we get to go pick up our girls and bring them home 

We're still hoping that we'll have the girls home before Christmas - maybe even sometime in November. There are many variables along the way, and plenty of points like where we're at now where we're just waiting for various agencies to process our paperwork. 

And now it's B's turn

One of the challenges of adopting a child with special needs is the uncomfortable position of "choosing" the child you are adopting. With a "normal" adoption, you get to specify what you are and are not willing to accept in a child, you file your paperwork with the government and then wait to be matched to a child. Pursuing the adoption of a child who is already waiting (because his or her file doesn't match up with the criteria that someone looking for a "normal" child is willing to accept), means that instead of being matched to a child, you can request to have a child matched to you.

The matter of choosing that child, which automatically means that you are *not* choosing all of the other children also waiting for a family, has been difficult for me emotionally both times that we've been through it. One child gets a family. All of the others don't. And that's just the way it is.

After we finally located the official information on T, Matt and I read through it, and I was processing by rather mindlessly browsing through photos of other waiting children, in particular, children who were at risk of "aging out." Because, you see, children are able to be adopted. Adults are not. So, once a child becomes an adult they are no longer adoptable. Each country has its own limitations surrounding this, but in many countries that I'm aware of, age 16 is the cut off - if you don't have a family by the time you're 16 years old, you get taken off the list.

As I was skimming over photos of these children, one girl caught my eye, largely because of a comment she made to an adoptive family coming for another child at the group home where she lives. She told them that she wanted a family, but didn't think anyone would want her because she was too old and because she was in a wheelchair. The simplicity of that statement, and the untruth that it holds (that being older or being in a wheelchair makes you less worthy or less desirable) really stood out to me. I went to bed that night talking with Matt about the challenge of the situation - T really needs a family - she would benefit so much from being taken out of institutional life, and she deserves as much as anyone the chance to be loved...and to love - but she is incapable of having any concept of what she is missing. But then there are children like B who are very aware of what they do not, and potentially never will have.

On top of what she is missing out on - a family - is the reality of what she has to look forward to if she reaches her 16th birthday without a family: two more years of life in her group home, and then on her 18th birthday, transfer to an adult mental institution. And why an adult mental institution for a young woman whose disability is a physical one? Most simply, because that is the best option they have to offer in her country.

How do you choose?

Matt made a few pretty general comments, and then rolled over and went to sleep.

The next morning I brought B's photo up again because the concept of how do we choose was still on my mind, and when he saw it, something switched in Matt. As he told me that night, "It's one thing to know something generally, but once you have a specific face - a real person - to go with the generic scenario, then you have to make a decision. A decision to either do something or to do nothing. But either way, now that it's real, we've got to decide what to do with what we know." He said we should at least inquire about what country B lived in. She was pretty obviously Eastern European (and not African or Chinese), but there are a number of countries that would be possible for that. We decided that the "something" we would do would be simply to ask if we could find out what country she was from.

The answer came back via email the next afternoon. She's in Bulgaria - T's country!

Oh boy. That means we have to move to the next level. Two different international adoptions in two different countries would basically be nuts even if it wasn't in the same year that you're adding a newborn to your family. (Okay, yes, I'm sure many of you think even two in the same country, or for that matter, even one adoption this year is nuts. And you'd be in good company - sometimes we think that way, too! ;) ) But, to us, two different countries would rule out B. And having her in the same country as T means that the logistical part of the adoption process (and the financial as well), would be only slightly more complicated than just a single adoption.

The decision to add B to our adoption didn't require anywhere near the time we took to make the decision about T. Having already decided to pursue T, adding B was just simply the right thing to do.

There are many things about the United States that one can (rightfully) gripe about, but one thing that I am immensely proud of is the extent to which measures are taken to welcome people with disabilities into the regular every day life of our society. I write this understanding that in many ways these people are still marginalized, but in so many ways, the underlying fabric of our communities is arranged in such a way that it is possible for these people to live their lives. One basic reason we can do this and Bulgaria can not is money - we have the money to invest in the physical infrastructure that makes a wheelchair not a limiting factor. Every street corner has a ramp, all public buildings have handicap accessible entrances - doors with openers, hallways that are wide enough, elevators (big enough for a wheelchair) - you name it. There are public transportation options for people with disabilities, and a plethora of public services to give people with various disabilities the extra help they need to just go on with their lives.

A country like Bulgaria, with a mere 27 years since the fall of socialism, has simply not had the time or financial resources to create the infrastructure that we in the United States take for granted. Yes, I understand that there are also cultural prejudices that make living with a disability more challenging in Bulgaria than it is in the United States, but I must say that this is the image ingrained in my mind's eye when I think about this question:

 I can not easily describe to you how beautiful this man is to me. He captures what I choose to remember about the Bulgarian people. There we were - me, three months pregnant, Dondi, and little Owen trying to navigate the capital city with Krassimir in his stroller. As we approached yet another flight of stairs and were trying to figure out the best way to get K safely down, this complete stranger, who, by the way, did not speak English, offered to help us by carrying Krassi down the stairs. There is so much about the strength and resilience and the heart of the Bulgarian people captured here. We had a problem. There was no "thing" (elevator, safe ramp, etc) to help us, but he was there, and he was able, and he took our problem on himself and did something about it, and then went quickly on his way.

Our adoption lawyer in Bulgaria has been confined to a wheelchair after an automobile accident 16 years ago. Why is she not in a mental institution? Quite simply because she is not an orphan - she has a network of people around her to fill the gap that the infrastructure of her country can not fill. Her brother has arranged his life, his work, to be available to get her where she needs to go, to carry her when she needs to be carried - to do what is necessary to let her continue to live as part of her culture. Yes, there are still many places she can not go, the life she has is not easy, but with her network of people, she is able to live it.

There are some ramps, but they would be difficult (read, impossible!) to navigate independently in a wheelchair! (This photo was taken on our trip to pick up Krassimir.)

If this dear girl had a family, she would be able to live in her country as well. There would be challenges along the way, but what I know of Bulgarians is that they don't shy away from challenges! The history of Bulgaria is an inspirational one of a people who have been continually beaten down, but who never give up and keep holding steady until they come out again on top.

But she doesn't have a family, and with only months to go before she is too old to be adopted, she may never have a family.

It is hard to explain the excitement that we have about offering this beautiful young lady the chance to live. Not only will we get to have her as a part of our family, but we will also be able to offer her the chance to grow beyond that to whatever degree she desires.

Understanding that the two page documents one receives upon inquiring about a child are incomplete at best, and ought to be taken very loosely, what we know of B is that she is friendly and capable, shy, but still confident. She appears to be quite adept at caring for herself, and has a good attitude toward her academic work. She is said to get along well with younger children, and can take a leadership role without being domineering. She is quick to smile, and sometimes moody. (We had to laugh at that - sounds like a normal 15 year old girl, right?!)

Right now she has no idea that she has a family coming for her. She is still stuck believing the lie that because she is older and in a wheelchair that she is unwanted. I would love to watch her response on the day that she is told that there is a family who wants to meet her.

They really are that bad

Krassi had an appointment with his orthotist today because he's having some issues with his current ankle-foot orthotics.

When Matt arrived with Krassi for the appointment, he was greeted by three other people sitting in the waiting room smiling at him. :)

Turns out they were all coming to observe Bob (who appears to be well known enough around the Cities here that when you talk about him in those kinds of circles, "Bob" is sufficient for people to know who you're talking about!) as he worked on K's feet. One lady works within the same company at a different location, and is the person who Bob will likely pass Krassi's care onto when he retires. The man was an established orthotist from Idaho who is spending some time here shadowing Bob to learn from him, and the younger woman was an intern who wll be doing her residency under the man in Idaho who is here to learn from Bob.

And that's how amazing our son's feet still really are. ;) (Here's where they started with us!) They're the kind of feet that draw a crowd...at least...a crowd of orthotists!!  They all took their turn manipulating his feet and trying on his orthotic and then making marks then disappearing into the "shop" to make adjustment and then bringing it back in and trying it on again. This went on for about an hour and a half.

When Bob made Krassi's first pair of AFO's he told Andrea that if she could get K's feet into and out of his orthotics, that she would be able to get anybody else's AFOs on or off.  It does take a little doing, but once we got used to it, we are able to get them on and off pretty quickly.  It was actually rather humorous at the appointment today to see some of the other trained professionals having trouble getting K's braces on or off.  I asked them if they wanted me to help, but they declined.  Then at the end of the appointment Bob did a little demonstration of how much you have to really twist and contort K's foot to get it into his brace and it was rather embarrassing how much easier it looked when Bob did it than when the other people tried to do it.

The good news is that after several weeks of Krassi having a lot of swelling and toes turning purple his braces seem to be working better since this afternoon's adjustments.  They had gotten bad enough that other than a few 20 minutes stints in the stander at school, he was not wearing his braces at all.  He used to wear them for probably up to 8 or 10 hours a day in several hour increments.  We finished his appointment at 4:30 and then went to church for dinner and service and then came home and took his braces off around 7 and his feet looked the best they have looked in a long time after sitting and/or having his braces on. We will be checking back in with Bob over the next several weeks to make additional adjustment as necessary and then ultimately after we are satisfied that we have them working the way we want them, they will use what they have learned to start making his next pair!

Big and tall

It's been a while since I've posted much of anything about Krassimir. Today as I carried him out into the living room to be where the rest of us where going to be (we still give him mostly free run of the floor when he's home. We'd like to move toward giving him more time in his wheelchair to encourage his mobility in it as well as giving him more time to practice sitting up "big and tall" but there's something about the freedom of the floor that still seems right for a little man who spent so many years cooped up...) I set him down sitting on Grandma's bottom stair on a new cushion we just got for him.

In a rare moment, Owen sat down in a friendly manner next to him, and it gave me a thrill to see my two eleven year old boys sitting up, straight and tall, next to each other!

From the waist up, Krassi's size is not *all* that different from Owen's. (Please recognize, though, that Owen's a good eight months younger than Krassi, and also is in the 15th percentile himself for height and weight!)

I love how this one looks like two big boys just hanging out.

Krassi is certain that the new blue cushion is a toy, and was trying desperately to pick it up...but he was having a really hard time getting it because *somebody* was sitting on it...and he couldn't apparently figure out who it was or what to do about it.

A little more about "T"

Somehow, using K's first initial to refer to him in those months before his name was public wasn't as awkward as it is with the girls. ;) We still refer to Krassi as "K-man" or just "K" in the same way we often call Owen, our first-born, "O." But "T" and "B" just doesn't quite work the same way...but it's the best we've got, so we'll run with it.

"T" is living in the same orphanage that Krassi grew up in. She first had a presence in our life almost a year ago when I printed off the photos of the children from Krassi's previous orphanage who were currently available for adoption. We kept these little print outs on the side of our refrigerator as a visual every-day reminder to be praying for them - asking God to bring them families.

I was NOT expecting Matt to talk to me one night in October letting me know that he was wondering if we might be T's family.

Um, nope. [was my internal response] Yes, we do special needs around here, but there are special needs, and then there are special needs. And besides - she appears to have epilepsy! Can we really care for two children who deal with seizures on a regular basis??? And "massive destruction of the brain matter" sounds scary, doesn't it? Yes, Krassi was/is delayed...seriously delayed...but he continues to amaze us with his ability to learn new things and understand concepts, and we have no reason to believe that continued forward progress, however slow, will be part of his life. I don't get that from reading the little bit of information we had about "T."

However, I've also learned that when God is talking to Matt, it's in my best interest to be listening, too, because that's often one way He speaks to me. So we spent weeks in prayerful listening.

It's funny how something that can at first seem very scary can completely change as you become increasingly convinced that this is the path God has set before you. One Sunday afternoon in November as Matt and I were talking after church that morning, we realized that we both had heard things in the sermon that made us immediately think that, yes, we were to go ahead and move toward bringing T into our family, and as we talked together, we realized that the time to start was now and not "sometime."

The first step was slightly more convoluted than we had expected. We contacted our primary adoption agency from Krassi's adoption, and our contact there spent a few weeks looking to find T's file since it wasn't currently active (as far as I understand, they cycle through a few months of availability, and the the files revert back to the child's country), including one that looked really close, but wasn't *quite* close enough for us to be sure it was T. Then she found her, and with that we were given her full file - more (and updated) photos, and instead of just the paragraph about her that you may have read already here, we got two pages and a bit more of in depth information about tests that have been done, information about her birth, and other assessments. Recognizing that many things get lost in translation, and that international medical files are just...different...than the ones we're used to here, which means we take everything, good and bad, with a good dose of salt, we were very excited by many things we read in her file.

First of all, it is obvious that T is a little girl who will likely never progress beyond the level of a one or two month old infant. It's funny that now as I'm writing this, I *have* a one month old infant who requires a lot of care, but is also truly a delight to smother with kisses and to rock and bounce throughout the day. And night. (That's as good an excuse as any to share an updated photo of Gloria, right?)

Leah holding Gloria.

T reportedly spends much of her time sleeping, and has difficulty waking up. She does have an abnormal EEG, but it appears, from the description (which means something to us now that we have some understanding of epilepsy) that her seizure activity has a very different pattern than Reuben's. While Reuben is mostly steady for days at a time, and then has a really bad run of pretty intense seizures over the course of a day, T's appear to be more regularly present, but none of them develop into full generalized seizures; instead they appear to be "absense" type seizures. Yes, definitely still seizures, but seizures requiring a very different level of care than Reuben's do. We won't have to be concerned about falls for T (who does not stand, or even sit), and her seizures don't appear to be the type that involve cessation of breathing the same way Reuben's do.

T has a number of other health challenges, all of which I figure we'll figure out how to deal with as we go - a few we'll need to be able to hit the ground running with (she's currently fed with a NG tube, thanks to a family here in the States who is paying for special formula for her. I don't know how to use or maintain a NG tube!! But I will.)

One of the most exciting parts of the report to me was that T is reported to respond positively to somebody touching her and somebody talking to her!!! She will try to wake up, and will try to smile when someone interacts with her in a positive way.

Is that not incredible? Somewhere, buried inside that damaged body and damaged brain, is a  person who wants to be loved. And I think that's one thing that drives us toward this. Not a single one of us on this planet is a perfect specimen of the human race, but every single one of us has been created uniquely, individually, and purposefully by God. T is a person who deserves to know love, and T has a reason to be on this earth, because "...God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God." (1 Corinthians 1:27-29) I have the feeling that if we are listening, paying attention, T just might have as much (or more) to give us than we have to give her.