A blessing, part two

Looking at the new photos and the video we received of our K a week ago made me feel overwhelmed and excited at the same time. He can do things that I wasn't sure he was able to do (lift his head, extend his hands, smile!), but also is a very visual reminder of how incredibly delayed he is. You can't see it in the pictures alone, but the video reveals what a very inward, neglected little boy he is.

I think we're nuts. ;)

But then I remember something God told me WAY ahead of time.

In April of 2010, when Reuben was still only 9 months old, and still young enough for his delays to fit within the range of "normal" (in other words, we had NO IDEA what was coming our way!) I was asked to lead a short devotional for a baby shower at church. This is not the kind of thing I do. I have led plenty of Bible studies, but a "devotional" was not my typical mode of functioning. So I just decided to share some things that God had been showing me that week.

Reuben had been sick with his first ear infection. I think Leah had a cold or something, too, so I was really tired (ha! I had no idea what "tired" was back then!) and worn out, and this is what I shared, more or less...

"I can't give expert "Biblical Mothering Advice", but I can share how God is using my being a mother to shape me right now. The Bible tells us in Psalm 127:3 that children are a blessing from the Lord. [I shared briefly how Reuben came to be as a result of Matt's obedience to this truth.] But right now he's sick, and Leah's sick, and I'm tired, and it's tough. So is it true? Are children really a blessing? What does that blessing look like?

"Well, let me read what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. "But [the Lord] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." [emphasis added] I read this, and thought to myself, when I am well rested, I can be 'good' on my own. When everything is going well, and is under control, and I get enough sleep, then it's 'easy' to be kind and gentle and patient and all those other good things. But when I am weak, tired, then I need to learn to rest in him. And the promise held out here is that in our weakness the power of Christ rests on us. Not only is this time when my children are up a lot at night not a time to question how they are a blessing, it IS part of the blessing. One of the ways that children are a blessing is that they put us in a place of weakness - a place where we both need the power of Christ, and where we can receive the perfect power of Christ for the sake of Christ. Who doesn't want that???

"I think then, too, of what Paul writes in Philippians, at another time when he's reflecting on living with difficulties. He writes, "...
I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:11b-13) What strikes me about this is that so often this passage is discussed in terms of "wow - Paul really learned a secret - he could be content when life was nasty" when in reality, Paul is saying that there is a secret that brings contentment when life is nasty and when it is fantastic. When he has enough to eat and when he doesn't. When you don't get enough sleep and when you do. He can do all of these things, how? Through Christ who strengthens him. Because when his strength is coming not from himself, but from Christ, he can rest contented in any of these things. And what a better place to play out the highs and lows of life than in the midst of mothering?

"Let's end back where we started - in Psalm 127. The third verse is the one that tells us that children are a blessing. Go back two verses to the beginning, and we read, "Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain." God has to do the building. God has to be the strength. If he is not, we labor in vain - our life is worthless. One of the blessings that God is showing me that my children are is the way they make me aware of my weakness and drive me toward him."

When I shared that with the small group of women nearly three years ago, I had NO IDEA the point of weakness that God was preparing for us. I haven't had a full night's sleep in over two years. (Reuben's seizures happen more often at night, and part of the instability in his brain also makes for irregular sleep patterns, and often long periods of wakefulness on nights when he isn't exhausted from seizures. Add to that the fact that we tend to jump at any noise from the other children to quickly go to them and settle them to prevent startling Reuben awake and putting him at increased risk of a seizure, and the handful of nights that I've gotten 5-6 hours of continuous sleep are like gold!) And sleep isn't the only way that raising a child with a disability makes you "weak."

But I am learning day by day the truth that was wrapped up in what I shared with those women, and also finding the intense joy that follows a life that is needy for God. So on the surface, I think we're nuts! But I trust that I serve a God who is not only able to work through my weaknesses, but who delights to work through my weaknesses so that all my boasting may be in him, and that I may live my life for his sake.

We are eager to see the blessing that God will bring to all of our lives through the addition of K to our family, believing that children ARE a blessing.

More things falling into place

I'm still working out the right balance of what to post and what's not worth posting. I'm divided on this, but excited enough personally to share with anyone who's reading.

This morning a friend of ours came over to watch the kids so Matt and I could go to the USCIS (Immigration) application office to have our biometrics taken. (fingerprints) We like being able to bring them along as much as we can, but the summons very clearly stated how limited seating was so to NOT bring anyone who was not required to be there.

Turns out our directions were a little off, and we were in the 100 block where we thought it was, but it was actually in the 1300 block! Thankfully we had left with enough time to get where we needed to be, but realized we only had one quarter to pay for parking!! We reminded each other that we were trusting God to take care of the finances of this adoption, even in the small things. And he did. It was in a strip mall with free parking. ;)

Check - that part's done! Now to wait for the application to come back. Still no idea how much longer that will take. The sooner it comes the sooner we can go see our boy, and the sooner we go see him, the sooner the 4-5 month timeline before we can bring him home starts moving!

The second bit of good news today is related to the second longest wait we have for dossier paperwork - our background check with the FBI. I was beginning to wonder if the credit card number I had given them (with an expiration date of 01/13) was going to work or if they were going to take too long to process our application. Today I went to their website trying to find out who and how to contact about this problem. I didn't find anything directly useful, so tried checking my credit card website one more time, and there's the payment!! This is good because it means it went through before my card expired, and even more so because it means that things are being processed on that piece!

We are trusting that God has all the timing in his hands - how could he not after all the "coincidences" we've seen already? But we are also asking him to move these pieces along quickly. We are looking forward to getting K home as soon as we can! Things are better in his current situation than they've ever been for him, but he's still without a family.

Medical letters, maybe...YES!

Today our letters from our doctor certifying that we are in good physical and mental health and are HIV negative arrived. Hooray! This is one more small piece of what we need for our dossier.

HOWEVER, there is a small typo on both of them, where the word "form" is used instead of "from" (as is, "free from chronic infectious diseases"). Hm. Is this a problem? Or not? I don't know. I've emailed our social worker so now have to wait and see what she says - can we use these? Or do I need to contact the clinic and have them print and notarize and mail another set?

Details, details. ;)

~~~~

UPDATE: Heard back, and this will be okay! The translator will not have a problem correcting this.

So...one more piece of the puzzle is now waiting in our red "dossier folder"!!!

More about K

The pictures that we had of K when we sent in our commitment documents were from June 2012 - not very long after the change of director in his orphanage. We have heard many good things about changes that have been implemented since then - the children are no longer fed gruel from bottles with large holes cut in the nipples, but are taken out of their cribs and fed sitting up by spoon, or however they are able. The quality of their food has also been improved, which we have been hoping would help our little man to gain some weight.

We have heard wonderful things about top-down initiatives that give the children time out of their beds, and even some attempts at therapy and classes to help them learn and develop. Someone I know who is currently a few months ahead of us in adopting from K's orphanage was making her first visit to her child last week, and was going to try to visit K. When she returned, she emailed to let me know that she had not been able to see him, but the good news in that is that she had seen his room, and he was not in his bed! As much as we were hoping for news of him from a non-medical perspective, this news was good news in itself. He was out of his crib! Someone had taken the time and effort to get him out! To give him a bit of life in his day! Oh how that filled his mommy's heart with joy!

But even better was this morning when we got an email from our agency with new pictures that the in-country agency had taken just two days ago - take a look at this big boy! Doesn't he look better already??? If that is what six months of good food and some human interaction can do, just think what this little boy will be like when he has a family!!

Because I'm reminded again and again of something I heard someone else say - it is not the lack of food, or good clothing, or medical care and appropriate therapies, or even the lack of caring human interaction that makes a child an orphan.

What makes a child an orphan is the lack of a family.

This precious little boy needs a family - a mom and a dad, brothers and sisters. (And a few cats, too, I think!)

I can get discouraged sometimes as I realize daily how we are so much NOT a perfect family. Two imperfect parents trying to figure out how to raise four imperfect children. And then I remember that although God DOES call us to perfection (Matthew 5:48), he also knows that we are not perfect, and so HE is in the business of making us that way (Hebrews 10:14). My job is to love him in obedience and trust in him to supply what I need day by day.

This little boy has been neglected for so long - with no one to look at him with eyes that see how incredibly valuable he is, not because of what he can do or can't do, but because of who made him. He is a tiny little person, made in the image of God. He is a blessing that we are so eager to be blessed with. And speaking of what he CAN do, check out this photo:

This little boy can smile!!!

A blessing...

At the beginning of 2008, Matt and I were happily married for over seven years, and had a "perfect" life - we lived in a cute little white house that his grandpa had built, he had work in the architectural field (both of us have Masters degrees in Architecture), and I was a stay at home mom for our two healthy children - a little boy, almost three, and baby girl, almost one. BUT, over the course of 2008, God had mighty plans for Matt. Matt had spent his whole life growing up in a nice Christian church in a family with parents who had both been missionaries before they were married, and believed himself to be a Christian, but God shattered his misconceptions and revealed Himself to Matt that summer in a way he had never seen before, and Matt realized that his whole life to that point had been a facade - he had somehow grown up believing that working hard to put on a good face and do the right thing was all there was to being a Christian. Over the course of that summer, God used intense physical pain to keep Matt on his back and with not much else he could do, he used that time to read his Bible. For the first time in his life, it opened up to him and came alive to him. More accurately, Matt himself became alive for the first time in his life, and he was able to hear the Word of God for what it was. That summer was a delight, as towards the end he was daily showing me this or that, or all of the above from what he was reading that he was seeing with fresh eyes, and the ability to truly believe it - not just saying he believed it, but real believing, in a way that dramatically changed the way his life worked.

One significant night came toward the end of September, 2008, as he was reading through the Psalms.

Matt: Andrea - listen to this - it says here [Psalm 127] that children are a blessing from the LORD!

Andrea: Yes, Matt. It does. They are!

M: No, Andrea. It says they are a blessing. [He looks at me.] If God says children are a blessing, then why are we trying to stop God from blessing us?

A: Well, because you only want to have two children. [NOTE: I had always been slightly radical. I wanted to have three. My "plan" was to have one baby and then have twins so I'd get my three and he couldn't say no! Ha ha. Little did either one of us know!]

M: But if God says that children are a blessing then it seems like a silly thing to try to stop him from blessing us.

So just like that we were done with birth control, and two weeks later our third child, Reuben, was conceived. That's just one example of the crazy kind of stuff that can happen when you decide to take God at his word!! ;) With both Owen and Leah we had forgone finding out the gender of our child before birth - with each successive pregnancy I've been more anxious to find out, but Matt's pretty hard-core about waiting, so we wait. We decided pretty soon that if this baby was a boy, we would name him Reuben Matthew. Reuben means "Behold, a son!" and Matthew means "a gift from God." We tossed around some ideas for girls, but never came to any consensus. We had no idea what significance that name would have for us as time went on. But at the moment, it was a beautiful name for a child that came to be because we trusted that children were a blessing - a gift - from God.

Reuben's birth was the most beautiful, peaceful, (relatively) easy birth experience I've had or heard about from others. One lovely thing about having him be born at home (a planned home birth with the same midwife who had delivered Owen and Leah at home) was that everything happens in a very relaxed fashion. One precious memory I have is the first hour after his birth - he slipped out and he was brought right up to my chest, and I just held him there, both of us snuggled up in the blankets, for a full hour before checking to see if this dear baby was even a boy or a girl. It didn't matter to me. I was so deliriously happy to be holding this precious gift from God that I didn't care if Baby was a boy or a girl - I had just wanted for so long to hold this baby in my arms, and it didn't matter to me who the baby was. Knowing now what I did not know about Reuben then, I still get shivers when I recount this.

God had prepared us so beautifully to be this special boy's parents. And I assume he still is doing that in ways we are unaware of right now for things yet unseen. That's the way he works!

We delighted in being a "big" (ha ha!) family - well, at least larger than average. Three is hardly "big." ;) One thing I've always taken pleasure in about motherhood is seeing all the unique qualities of each tiny person we'd been blessed with. As a home-schooling-hopeful mom, I also took pride in recognizing the "wide range of normal" that is part of what it is to be human, and would scoff at systems that require everyone to fall within set parameters. This mentality is part of what made us slow to dig too deeply into the delays that we saw in Reuben over his first year. He was definitely pushing the window of "normal" development, but we chose to let him continue following his own timetable. He didn't roll over until he was 9 months old, and though he was sitting before then, would inexplicably tip over for a lot longer compared to Owen and Leah when they were learning to sit up. At a year, he was not yet crawling. He started crawling a day after 13 months. But he was a delightful little boy, and from very early we found him to be our most relational child.

Over this first year I had a growing sense that we were not going to get to "keep" this little boy. It's an unusual thing to spend months thinking that your delightful little baby may be taken from you - may die! But I kept having that sense, and as a result, had to wrestle with God and what his goodness looks like. Repeatedly I was reminded that he could be just as good in taking this gift from us as he was in giving him to us, and that knowing so clearly that Reuben was a gift from God, I marveled in God's grace in preparing me ahead of time for him to be taken. After a few months of this, Matt and I realized that we had both been feeling this way independently, and for the next few months, spent time together talking about this possibility.

When Reuben was 14 months old he started having seizures. He had 2-3 per month, and they were so mild that although we noticed something odd for a few moments every now and then, we certainly weren't thinking it was anything significant, and it certainly didn't even cross our mind that he was having seizures. But the Saturday before Thanksgiving, 2010, he had one that WAS more serious (breathing suspended long enough that his lips were turning blue). After a call to 911 and a visit from paramedics, who saw nothing out of the ordinary with him (seizures are like that!) we took a leisurely ride to the ER in an ambulance and came home with no answers. We figured we now knew why God had so compassionately prepared us to lose this boy. This was going to be it. After a repeat Monday morning, were admitted to Gillette Children's Specialty Healthcare on Tuesday for a VEEG (video electroencephalogram). I was 10 weeks pregnant with our fourth child, but that's another story!

Everything was normal until Wednesday morning when he had a classic tonic/clonic seizure - the type that everyone thinks of when they think "seizure." He had never had one like this before. About an hour later he had a second one. And just like that, we had a diagnosis of "epilepsy" for our baby boy.

And with that diagnosis, there was such a flood of joy!!

God had prepared us to lose this boy, this blessing, and tearfully and prayerfully we had already given him back to God. And then in a rush, he was given back to us - epilepsy is not something you DIE from, it is something you can LIVE with! In a sense we did lose the "normal" boy that we thought we had, but we most emphatically felt that through the grace of God he had enabled us to give Reuben up to him fully expecting to lose him, and then in that diagnosis, God most graciously gave him back to us - our Reuben, our blessing from God, just with a whole new understanding of who he was, and that was in many ways the beginning of a deepening of our understanding of what a blessing is.

Over the next year and a half, seizures and periodic multi-day hospital stays for further VEEGs became a regular part of our life, as did a round of attempts at controlling the seizures through medication. None worked, and with the exception of a 7 week repreive before Reuben's baby sister was born not quite seven months after his dianosis, the seizures continued. In early 2012 Reuben's neurologist ordered genetic testing and we found that Reuben has ring(20) chromosome syndrome - a very rare (~70 known cases) genetic mutation that causes seizures, moderate cognitive impairment, and is also the explanation of Reuben's very slow gross motor development (he can now at 3.5 years walk, and walk fast, but not run or jump) and his inability to speak despite 2+ years of speech therapy.

This dear boy IS a blessing - God went out of his way to make sure we knew that and didn't miss it, and we hold that out before us as we walk forward.

This was a long post - I hope to give you the rest of the story in smaller bites, but this is a critical part of how God shaped and prepared us for K. More about that in another post!

A little bit about K

All orphanages are "bad" in the sense that if the world was such that families were able to remain intact, there would be no need for orphanages or other systems to care for children who are not able to grow up with their family. But, with that understood, some orphanages are definitely better places to be than others, whether it is due to funding, staffing, or other reasons. K has lived, since he was fourteen days old, in a place that, from what I have heard, and what I see in him and other children who live and have lived with him, is not a good place to be.

K is a little boy who has been severely neglected and malnourished for most of his life. He was born prematurely, and likely as a result of trauma at birth has cerebral palsy.  At eight years old (our most recent information), he is slightly shorter than our Reuben (currently 3.5 years old), and weighs the same as our one-year-old niece. That may be a slightly unfair comparison, because my sweet little niece is pretty chunky, but rather than making light of the situation, I think it helps put into perspective the degree to which this little guy has been deprived of what he needs. No eight year old boy should weigh only 22 pounds. I can't even fathom what life must be like for him on that factor alone!

On top of that, it is likely that our little boy has rarely been out of the crib in his room for the entirety of his eight year old life. Is it any wonder that he is now diagnosed as being "severely mentally retarded"? We have no way of knowing what his capacity to grow and learn will be once he gets home - how much permanent damage has been done? We have no way of knowing what he might have been capable of had he spent his years with a loving family instead of ignored in a badly-run institution. But we DO know that he will be loved here in a way that he has never been, and my most basic hope for him is that this boy, who according to his medical file, "rarely smiles," will have many reasons to smile.

Because we know that K is more than what his medical files are able to tell us. K is a little boy who was created by God in His image and he has incredible value not because of what he can do, but because of who made him. Our experiences with Reuben have completely changed the way we think of what a "blessing" is, and knowing that what God says is true, that children are a blessing, we eagerly await the blessing that K will be to our family.

Biometrics appointment

Last Friday we each got a letter in the mail from the Department of Homeland Security stating that we are required to appear at their office to have our biometrics taken on January 25 at 10am. According to the text on this official document, failing to show up will result in them considering our application "abandoned." ;)

This is an important step in having our USCIS application processed - if you've read my long timeline you'll remember that this application is the biggest time-factor in the dossier process.

In emailing with our social worker about something else today, I mentioned our appointment, and her response leads me to believe that things may be moving quicker than the "up to 90 days" that we are expecting for processing time!