I [Matt] realized in talking with some friends after we returned from our trip that I left out one very important piece of the bit I shared about Psalm 139. The whole reason I was thinking about Psalm 139 was NOT because I knew what it said and so I went to look at that passage or think about it. Rather, it was the passage the I read on the plane to K's country because it just happened to be where I was on my "read through the bible in a year" bookmark. So essentially, as we were on our way to meet K, God was telling me that he had this whole timed out before K or I were ever born.
There have been a handful of times, like this, when I feel that God has very specifically spoken to me through his word. There are always times when there are promises of God that are applicable to all believers that I can take hold of, but there are times when God has spoken to me through his word in direct response to my crying out to him.
Probably the most significant example of this came when Reuben was in the hospital for his first VEEG, the visit when he was diagnosed with epilepsy. When we knew that we would be in the hospital with Reuben for 2 to 3 days, we packed a lot of books and toys to help Reuben occupy his time while hooked up to all his wires and monitors. I also packed my bible to be able to read. As I was there waiting to see if anything was going to show up on the VEEG, I couldn't help asking WHY. Why was this happening, why was it happening to Reuben, etc. At 16 months old, I figured it was pretty unlikely that Reuben had "done" something to deserve this. I on the other hand had experienced in my own life the judgement and discipline of God for my own shortcomings and began to wonder if there was something that I had "done" that had brought about this turn of events with Reuben. So I was wrestling with God as I was trying to make sense of the situation in which we found ourselves.
That first night at the hospital as I was trying to sleep, I pleaded with God that he would either end this period of testing/monitoring of Reuben by having nothing show up and never having to deal with this again, or having there being something very clear so that we knew what we were dealing with. I must admit that I was hoping for the option where nothing would show up on the test and Reuben would be back to his normal and we would not have to deal with this anymore. That however was not God's plan and God clearly answered the next day when Reuben had not one, but two classic grand mal seizures. Up until this point, the seizures that he had been having had been very mild in their manifestation and not as easy to recognize as seizures. These were recognizable. The first one he had while in my arms as I was holding him for his nap. On the one hand, this was a really difficult time...and yet not. Difficult in the sense that Reuben was now officially diagnosed with epilepsy. But yet not because God had been preparing both Andrea and I individually, and later together, to lose Reuben. In fact, from the time we called the ambulance after his morning nap on Saturday, until the following Tuesday afternoon when he got in for testing, I was certain that he was going to die the next time we laid him down for a nap or for bed. I even took this picture on Monday before his afternoon nap, figuring it might be the last picture I would have of him alive.
Even though Reuben was diagnosed on Wednesday, it was Friday before we were sent home as they wanted to do some brain imaging for Reuben, but since Thursday was Thanksgiving, we had to wait until Friday and they decided they wanted to continue the VEEG until then. Friday we returned home, unpacked and tried to get back to our normal life. Even though I had my bible with me in the hospital I did not actually get it out of the bag until the day we got home and I just picked up reading where my bookmark was from the day before we went into the hospital...John 9. And these are the first words I read when I started reading... "As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him."
I could hardly believe what I was reading. This was the exact answer to the question that I had been struggling with. God was telling me that it was NOT Reuben's sin and it was NOT my sin that caused Reuben to have epilepsy (which later we would learn was actually just one symptom of the larger Ring 20 Chromosome Syndrome that Reuben has). In fact, tying back to Psalm 139, God knew that every cell of Reuben's body was going to have Ring 20 before he was even in the womb, before he ever had the chance to sin. The point of this was not to try to figure out who sinned. The purpose of this was "so that the works of God might be displayed in him." I have clung to this revelation and continue to cling to it.
If Reuben had come through that first stay in the hospital and would have just gone back to "normal," I am pretty sure that we would not be where we are in the adoption process with K. We may not even be adopting at all.
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