More than Krassi can handle ;)

I've written earlier this year about how I believe the idea that God does give us more than we can handle is both a Biblical concept, and also a very healthy one personally. First of all, if it's true, which I believe there is plenty of evidence to back up, then it doesn't really matter how it affects me personally! ;) But the personal effect is a good one - I hear more than I would like variations on "God must know you're strong enough to handle this," or one I like even less, "You're a saint," both suggesting that there's something about who we are that makes adding Krassi to our family something that we would consider possible. That is so very far from the truth! Knowing how very inadequate I am (and we are) is a very significant piece of why we are here. I can't imagine feeling sufficient for the job of loving a little child who has been so severely mistreated, and shaped by that mistreatment to the point that I can not get inside of his head and really understand what he is going through, even now because the lenses through which he views and understands his world are so incredibly different from mine, and many times are even beyond my imagination. But I don't have to be sufficient/capable/adequate in myself - I just need to be obedient and daily be reminded that my God will supply all my needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. It is good to be reminded of this on a daily (hourly!) basis, but it doesn't at all negate the fact that this is hard.

This post, as I began it in the title, was intended to be more lighthearted, so I'll stick a little bit of that in here, too. ;) This is part of how Krassi spent his afternoon today!

Rinnah: Krassi likes this!

Krassi: go away, Rinnah!

"Oh no! There's another one!"

"Well, maybe this isn't so bad..."

[Rinnah moves a little further away] [Krassi can't decide if this is great fun, or WAY more physical contact that he can handle.]

"Well, maybe this is okay."

"But at the same time, this is a little more closeness than I can handle."

"Maybe if I shove just a little harder..." (Rinnah: Waaahh!! Mom: I told you I didn't think he really likes that! Rinnah: Krassi does like it!) And for all I know, that little Rinnah may be on to something.

Krassi's got more going on than he can handle, too. Does he like this? Does he not like it? Does he even know himself?? As he settles in here and gets more accustomed to every day life as part of a family, we're also seeing stronger reactions from him. Eating, in particular, has been becoming increasingly difficult, largely because it's becoming increasingly distressful for him. Some meals are better than others. At some, he will take one bite, and be resistant to anything more. Tonight at supper things dissolved rather quickly into inconsolable tears that did not resolve until Daddy came over to wipe him off and take him out of the chair at which point the tears turned quickly into a fit of giggles. (Daddy's reading over my shoulder and pointed out that Reuben was actually the one who stopped the tears by coming over and giving Krassi his precious blue blanket as a gesture of sympathy. I don't know that Krassi was so comforted by the blanket as much as the unexpected situation caught him off guard and thus shifted his mood. Regardless, the tears stopped!) Sometimes we can get through a whole meal with him relatively cooperatively opening his mouth for the incoming spoon 80% of the time.

Our best understanding is that Krassi's difficulties with eating are not primarily physical, but are rooted more deeply in memories and associations that he has between eating and trauma. Every meal I am well aware of my inability to "fix" this situation. If I feed him, he is distressed. If I don't feed him, he will most certainly not gain weight. As it is, we already have not succeeded in preventing him from losing a few ounces every week, and in a 31 pound nine year old, we can't just keep losing a few ounces every week!

These times are tough. And what I hold onto as we walk through them is not the reassurance that the fact that I'm in this situation is proof that God things I'm smart enough/strong enough/whatever enough to handle it, but rather that HE has brought us here, and as we seek to obey him, HE will be enough.