Eye contact

Having a newborn in the house makes me vividly aware of the emptiness that was Krassi's life for so many years, and the effects of that emptiness are made more apparent as I see Evania and Krassi together.

Take eye contact, for instance.

Evania and I enjoy looking at each other and talking and cooing and smiling together. She is so very deliberate about it - I love it! And she's good at it. One evening when she was having trouble settling down I put her into the baby carrier and we took a mile and a half walk in the neighborhood. Her eyes were glued to mine until just before the half way point of the walk! Thankfully it was a quiet night and I know my route well, so I was able to just keep staring into those beautiful blue eyes with only momentary interruptions to watch what my feet were doing. ;)

My appreciation for her abilities in this area are in direct contrast to Krassi's abilities. When he first came home, I would attempt to make eye contact with him at "safe" times, and it was more than he was capable of returning - he would avert his eyes, looking at anything but me. A few months ago when he had his eye exam I remember the eye doctor commenting on how Krassi made good eye contact. I was surprised - he doesn't do this with me. Even at that point I wondered if he somehow felt it was safer to do that with strangers than with someone who is so intimately involved in his every day life.

Over the last weeks, Krassi and I have started occasionally playing a "game" where I will sit near him holding his head gently in my hands to help him face me, and I will playfully ask him, "Where's your mama? Where's Krassi's mama? Can you find Mama with your eyes?" He will smile, and avoid, avoid, avoid, and then ~flash~ for one moment he will look at me and then it's over, but I praise him all up and snuggle him, and his body language communicates that he enjoys it.

But making eye contact with his mother is WAY more intense than he is comfortable with right now!

But he's trying! And he now appears to enjoy the game instead of being distressed by it as he was when he first came home. And the best of all is that periodically throughout the day when we are farther apart from each other (close enough to see clearly, but not close enough to touch physically), he will find my eyes and hold them with his for even up to five seconds.

It's not much, and Evania blows him out of the water, but he's learning!

It brings me to tears thinking about what my boy missed out on, and how little it would have taken, had anyone cared to share a smile and a few words ("How you doing, wittle man? Ohh, aren't you sweet!") and a look in the moments they were passing by.