Natural/Unnatural

They always say that having children teaches you many things.

Over the last few weeks I've been trying to articulate, mostly to Matt, because he's available (and just a good person to talk to!) something I've been becoming increasingly aware of. And it's something that isn't going to come across very well, but I believe is important to get out — you just have to promise me you'll either quit reading here or else read the whole post.

 

There is something so automatic, so natural, about the emotions that well up inside of a mother when she looks at her children. I *love* these little people so much!

Owen - the one who made me a mother!

Little Leah

Reuben Matthew - look, a son! a gift from God

Beautiful Rinnah - so much hair!

And she gets a second one - I l-o-v-e this look, which I call the milk-induced-coma.

Tiny Evania within minutes of her birth. Holding her I knew I would do this again in a heartbeat.

So, apparently, I did. Twenty-one months later, here's Gloria. Pudgy, wrinkly, yummy Gloria.

There is something so very natural about the love that a mother has for her newborn baby. It is very instinctual – without even thinking, all of the snuzzly, wuzzly kisses and sweet talk and unquestioned devotion just naturally spring up as you first hold that wet, wiggly bundle of new life. For that matter, that love begins even before the baby is born as mommy talks to, carresses, and dreams about the little one growing inside of her.

Having both biological and adopted children, and in particular, a brand new baby fresh on the heels of the arrival of an adopted child (Evania was born almost 6 months to the day after Krassimir came home), has made me realize that as much as my gut reaction is to want to say otherwise, I love these children in different ways.

Before you start thinking this is a bad thing, take a look at this young man.

c. 1996

My love for him is not based on any sort of genetic connection (beyond the fact that we're both of German descent. But that's not why I love him.) Rather, I made a choice, and followed that up with a very solemn promise that is legally binding that he and I belong together now.

While the love that I have for Krassimir may not be “natural,” it is very real, and growing, and deep and in many ways intentional in a way that is different from that of my other six children. But looking at him does not elicit the same warm-fuzzy feelings that I get from the children who have been mine from the beginning.

This picture is just oozing with warm-fuzzies to me!

And I think that last statement holds the biggest clue to where the core of this issue lies. How often do we confuse love with feelings?

I'd started writing this entry you're reading now back in July, but I realized the beginning of it began over two years ago with something I started writing right after Evania was born and I was basking in the post-pregnancy hormonal glow of a perfect tiny pudgy baby of mine a mere six months after bringing Krassimir home as mine. Some of those thoughts have been folded into the writing here.

When I started thinking and writing about this in July I realized, in a rather stupid sense, that I really didn't have a clue what love was!! This hung me up for a while.

I was talking with a friend a few years ago about the fickle nature of love. Even our best and most loving actions may suddenly seem to turn and become something else. I see this in the way I relate to my whole family, but perhaps more clearly with Krassi. There are times when, for example, I am feeding him, or changing him, or just watching him play on the floor that I will find myself being irritated with his little habits (mouthing the floor, bending his left pinky finger back so far it touches his wrist, things like that). My irritation does not spring from love for him, but love for myself, and a desire for him to be so satisfied with his life here that he doesn’t feel the need to revert back to the old stimming behaviors that were his sole occupation for so many lonely years of his life. There are absolutely times, yes, when my re-directing of him is based out of love and concern for him (if left to self-regulate, he will wipe his right index finger on whatever surface is nearby and lick it - wipe-lick, wipe-lick, wipe-lick – until it’s deeply cracked and bleeding and takes weeks or more of care to help it heal). But there are also times when my response to these behaviors is not Krassi-motivated, but ME-motivated.

It takes a conscious effort to love my Krassimir.

Playing outside together with water balloons this past summer.

And then one night, working my way through 1 Corinthians, I stumbled upon chapter 13. Okay – anyone here who knows their Bible, and probably even those of you who don’t really know it well know that 1 Corinthians 13 is “The Love Chapter.” Seriously – I was in 1 Corinthians already as I was mulling this “what is love?” question over and over in my head, and didn’t think of it until I opened up my Bible one night and there it was!!!

What is love?

Love is patient. Patient. Yikes. Why does it have to start with that!!?

Love is kind. Kind is such a “ho-hum” sort of word. Nothing dramatic or exciting, nothing extreme or showy. Just “kind.” But that’s what love is. Love is kind.

At this point, I decided I’d probably read enough to keep me thinking for a good while!

Patience. Kindness. These are not responses that always come “naturally.” It’s pretty easy to be patient with a sweetly sleeping baby, or a cute-as-a-button toddler, but I’m guessing I’m not the only mother out there who has been less than patient when that baby is up after only a 10 minute nap, or up for the third time in the night, or when that toddler is standing stubbornly in a puddle on the floor with dirty underpants RIGHT next to the potty chair she refuses to sit on.

As I mulled over this, there was a sudden flip-flop in my mind. I do love some of my children better than I do others. And it is Krassimir that is likely the one I am the best at loving, because when I am patient and kind with him it is NOT stemming from my self-serving pride-filled estimations of the little human beings I had a role in producing (as adorable as they may be!) but rather is coming from something much closer to what love really is. That realization is a rather sobering one, and one that leaves me with a lot of room to grow in my love for every single one of them.

The thing that comes naturally to us is not really love, but is really a round-about form of self-love, something that only cares about what that little person makes me feel, rather than something self-sacrificial that truly puts the other one above myself.

In these months as we’ve been working to bring our girls home, I’m realizing how very much more I still have to learn about what love is.

What I know for certain is that love is a choice, and that it springs from trust and obedience to the One who IS love.

Oh God, would you teach me to love!!

Little T

Today is our little T's 11th birthday. She, unlike B, will not know that we're all thinking about her today. She will spend it like any other day.

Halfway across the world, however, she's got a family who's thinking about her today, and who will be singing "Happy Birthday" to her, and next year, she won't be any more aware of it being her birthday, but she WILL be here with us, and hopefully aware that she's surrounded by people who love her.

Happy Birthday, tiny daughter! We're coming for you!!!

~~~

We learned this morning that it's *possible* we could get a court date next week. I'm not clear if that's an actual court hearing next week, or if we'll learn next week what our court date will be, but either way, it's a tidbit of progress!

***Got clarification - we could get our court date SET next week, hoping for sometime in December for the court hearing to happen. Funny how it all works out. Remember back when we thought it was kind of crazy adopting when we were weeks away from expecting a baby? Well, looks like this little one will be able to be weaned before the pick up trip. Gloria will be a year old on January 12th. Wow.

"All prisons of cultivation"

It has been really neat to be able to be in touch regularly with B while we wait. We did not get to do that with Krassimir, and do not with T, but we write weekly letters to B, including a page or two of photos, and every other week or so we get to Skype for 45 minutes, with someone from our Bulgarian agency as a translator. We've done this enough times now that both Matt and I commented after the last one that we're noticing a growing comfort level from her and on our part - how wonderful to be able to be building that NOW gradually so that when she actually comes home, she'll feel that much more a part of us and our lives, and we a part of hers.

There still remains, however, a significant language barrier. We have NO communication that doesn't go through our translator (besides basic greetings, and "I love you!" which we know how to say in Bulgarian.)

We don't have that luxury with our letters, so we're taking advantage of google translate. It sure is fast! The accuracy...well, we're hoping it's not TOO bad! We've been told that with simple sentences, google translate does a pretty good job. Sometimes I'll check a paragraph that I've translated from English to Bulgarian by translating it back into English, and most of the time I'm satisfied that at least the general gist is there. I figure if I can mostly understand it doubly translated, it's probably slightly better with only one pass.

Then came this week. ;)

Backing up. We knew we wanted to send one "big" package to B during the time she was waiting for us, and decided that Christmas was the time to do it. Around here, we (as parents) don't give a lot of gifts to our children (who needs more stuff around???) but we always make a rather big deal about treats in their stockings, which we hang on the night of December 5th to open on St. Nick's Day, December 6th.

Way back I posted about making Krassimir's stocking. Now, with B and T, the series that I've been cross stitching is no longer big enough for our whole family - there are only nine stocking in the series! Just enough for the kids, if we pick the names out of mine and Matt's. (Reuben's and Rinnah's stockings used to be my parents' stockings - my mom made them at the same time I made mine back when I was fourteen.)

Before

After! (Her whole name is obviously under there, but a little bit of Photoshop takes care of making it blog-worthy!)

 Oh, we had fun putting this box together! The kids and I baked three different kinds of cookies, packing up enough for B to share with the other people who live in her group home. 

We picked out some candy, and fancy lip balm, and a toothbrush and mini toothpaste (because that's just what you do in my family!) to put into the stocking, AND we each wrapped up a little gift - mostly candy, a pair of silly socks) and put those into a bag marked "не отваряйте, докато 25 дек". (Do not open until December 25th!)

And I wrote a letter, trying to explain all of the things I'd included. I decided to do my double check re-translate trick just to make sure things sounded okay. This is what I got for the second paragraph.

"In our house, we celebrate the "day of St. Nicholas" on 6 December. On the night of the 5th, all prisons of cultivation. [what???? what in the world is this supposed to mean???] I made one for each person in our family. [Yikes! I don't think that helps anything!] That, in this field now belongs to you. [lucky girl!] I did it for myself in 1993 when I was fourteen years old! Is is special for me to be able to take my name and put in your name. B........ - oldest daughter to me!"

Needless to say, I reworded that paragraph, and it came out much better. Simplify, simplify, simplify!!

So, if you ever wonder if your family's holiday traditions are a little...unconventional...don't worry - I'm sure they're not as out there as our all prisons of cultivation!!

Everything we need

We got a phone call today from our neighbors who live behind us. Owen's good friends with their youngest son.

He was almost apologetic, noting that it was kind of a unusual thing, but he asked if we would have any need for two twin mattresses for the girls.

Whoa.

Remember how a mattress for B was specifically one of the things that we had told the kids (and anyone reading this) that we were waiting for? Our neighbor did not know that. ;) But God certainly did.

What I did NOT share on the blog the first time was that earlier that week Owen and I had been in the basement pacing out some of the layout of his and Krassi's new bedroom. He's hoping to create a bed in the space under the basement stairs, but really wants to keep his bunk bed so he has an extra space if he has friends sleep over. (Krassi's in the bottom bunk - the upper bunk would be open.) I told him we were already short a mattress for B, and we were NOT planning to purchase a mattress just for sleepovers. I also shared with him at that time that Daddy and I were counting on God to provide the mattress we needed for B, and it was the right thing for us to do to tell God that we wanted (not needed!) another one for Owen's room, too.

It delights me that not only did God give us two mattresses, but he gave us two at the same time, to make it obvious to us that he heard our request, and decided to not only give us what we needed, but what we wanted as well.

God is so good.

A plan

I've been emailing and talking over the phone this week with a representative from Gillette Children's Specialty Healthcare (where both Reuben and Krassimir are seen) making plans for caring for T when she gets home. (We'll need to do the same for B, but her needs are less critical and much more straightforward!)

I've been able to forward medical records, and pictures from our visit with her so she can be sharing them with the doctor who will be coordinating T's care. He was able to make a general road map for the different priorities he'll have once she arrives home, and we've got five appointments on the calendar (most of them with multiple specialties at each visit to minimize our trips) already! There are other appointments we already know she'll need, but don't have on the calendar yet.

They understand that with international adoption we don't really know when the girls will be coming home, so all of the appointments are subject to change, but it's kind of exciting to, with the help of our US agency, be setting a date by which we hope they're home! The first appointment is set for February 24th...only time will tell if that has any intersection with reality. ;)

The woman I was speaking with has had some experience with international mission work, and tangentially with other adoptive families, and has been able to recommend, from the care side of things, some ideas that I hadn't thought of on my own, such as getting a letter from our primary doctor ahead of time saying that we will be transporting "medically necessary" equipment and medications with us when we bring T home, which should hopefully help ease some of our transitions through security check points!

Nothing else of note, except that we've been told that the Article 5 interviews this past Tuesday went well.

Construction tidbit

After having done nothing towards finishing the lower level bedroom that will be Owen and Krassimir's when B takes over their main level bedroom (besides some incidental cleaning out of stuff that's currently in that room), today brought some excitement as the windows were delivered!

2:30 Time

One of the things the kids like best about our new 2:30 Time is when it involves a snack. Today Daddy was gone (which is unusual), so just the five oldest and I gathered together for a few minutes. Owen offered to share his candy corn, which we all enjoyed, but the BEST part was that Krassi enjoyed his, too! He ate the whole first piece (in three little bites that I brought to his molars with the same, "One, two, three, open!" that we and his therapist use when prompting him to try solid foods), and actually asked (by signing) for more!!!

That boy and food.

If I'm ever tempted to forget what his life was like in the routine every-day-ness of what his and our life is now, together, there is a regular reminder three times a day when we eat that there is something just not right with the picture.

I wish I didn't have to be so excited about a 12 year old enjoying a piece of candy corn! But I am, and I'm glad that he is. Who knows...maybe someday he could learn to enjoy this necessary part of life.

100,000 miles

It's appropriate that Big Blue passed this major milestone (100,000 miles on that lovely deisel engine!) not just on any old mundane trip, but on our once-every-few-years excursion to the North Shore of Lake Superior.

The last time we took this trip, we were a little family of six. ;)

The Glewwes in 2012

This time we traveled as a family of ten!

The Glewwes in 2016

We stayed at the same hotel we did last time - a cute place where the rooms are in (finished) old train boxcars. We had the biggest room they offer - a king size two-room suite. With three roll-away cots, a pull out bed, a few in our bed, and some chair cushions on the floor for Evania, we had just enough room for everyone.

The weather is a little unpredictable this time of year, but for that very reason the hotel rates (and other costs, too!) drop this week, and going during the week and not on the weekend also afforded us a second night at half price. Yay!!! (That also helps make a trip like this affordable in the middle of an adoption!) Then, pack lots of bread, apples, cheese sticks (and a jar of Nutella to make it extra special) so we don't have to go to restaurants, and we're pretty well set for a family vacation.

There are times when having a larger family, and one that includes members who have physical and other challenges can put limits on what we can do, but there are lots of things we can do, so do them we do!

Our first day up we stopped at Gooseberry Falls. I am always in awe of the rocks. They're almost more spectacular to me than the waterfalls!

Daddy helping Reuben navigate a fallen log to get to the outcropping where Owen waits, cheering them on.

Rinnah couldn't quite handle the crossing, so she stayed on the side leaping over little tributaries.

 While we were here, we almost always had a death grip on Reuben and Evania. Gloria got to spend lots of time napping and otherwise in the carrier!

Amazing landscape

This isn't exactly Krassi's idea of fun, but he DOES love to smile for photos!

Owen's way out there exploring.

Reuben's reaching for a rock to throw. It's an unstoppable urge for him whenever he sees a body of water. Thankfully there was no shortage of rock for throwing here!

We were always thinking of our girls. Here, there are two ways to get back up from the Falls. One is a long stair case; the other is a zig-zagging ramp. "Wouldn't it be fun to bring B here sometime?"

The second (and only full) day of our trip we started at Split Rock Lighthouse. Our favorite part is less about the lighthouse and more just the spectacular rocky shore line.

After following the trail down, down, down to the shoreline, we left Krassi's wheelchair behind by a little shack and didn't come back for it for a few hours.

Reuben, with the lighthouse in the background.

Evania, ever serious, was, as is typical for her, terrified when we first saw (and heard!) the water (it really is quite loud with the waves crashing in on the rocks!) but she quickly found her element, and began marching seriously around on the rocks, with a firm grip on someone's hand!

Krassi's photo with the light house. We like to email photos of what he's up to over the weekends to his teachers at school so he has something to share with his class during "morning meeting." It's important to me that his classmates have a mental picture of him that includes regular and exciting experiences just like they enjoy!

There is endless fascination in throwing rocks.

There is something so very attractive to me about that man that I married, particularly when he's hiking through rugged terrain with my oldest son in his arms.

With some guidance and coaching from Dad and Owen, Reuben was able to do some real-life rock climbing - not just one of those fake things on the playground, but the real deal!

Rinnah was fascinated by this large piece of water-worn driftwood.

Further down the shore (we hiked probably a strong half mile down the shoreline away from the light house), there was a place where a multitude of dark, tumbled rocks covered the beach (much of the edge is comprised of monstrous rocks), and Reuben found himself a place right on the edge that was safe enough for us to let him sit without a hand for a while. I think if he'd had his Bible spread open in his lap he would have been surpremely happy. As it was, it's a good thing he didn't, because a moment after this photo was taken a larger than average wave crashed up and filled his lap with water!! Thankfully it wasn't TOO cold!

Beautiful little treasures hidden between the rocks.

More hiking.

We hiked back up the trail and waited by this rock while Daddy and Owen ran back down the spur that led to where we'd left Krassi's chair.

This photo also really makes me think of B. Wouldn't it be great to see HER face back there with the rest of them?

We are working on slowing building up a collection of bumper stickers for Big Blue, just like it had when we first bought it (but had to have removed when we had the rust removal done). Owen gave us an early family Christmas present that he picked up on our trip...

We'll have to see how many places this vehicle gets to over its next 100,000 miles!

~~~~~~~

Just for fun, here are a few shots of Big Blue that we took before we bought it...Big Blue is no stranger to the North Shore!

Article 5 interview

We received our provisional approval from the USCIS earlier this week, and this morning learned that the Article 5 interview at the US embassy in Sofia is scheduled for next Tuesday! I don't even know for sure what the interview entails, but I DO know that after it's complete, things are set to move forward to the official adoption - the court hearing when the final determination that makes the girls our children happens!

Looking back at Krassimir's adoption, it was nearly 2.5 months from the Article 5 interview before his official adoption date, so PLENTY of waiting still ahead of us, but that doesn't mean we aren't going to celebrate the progress we are seeing!

16 years

Bulgarian Daylight Savings Time has a way of catching us coming and going! We learned on our very first trip to Bulgaria over three years ago that they, too, switch their clocks forward in the spring and back an hour in the fall. On that occasion, it caused a bit of a scramble; this time around, it meant that we were all up and ready to go at 7am our time, waiting to Skype with B to wish her a Happy Birthday! and...no call from our translator/facilitator. What's up? We emailed her, and got a quick reply back saying she'd be ready in an hour.

Hmmmm.

We thought the calls were *always* going to be at 7am because she leaves the office at 4pm her time (8am our time)! Who knows. Well, better to be early than to miss the call. It took a few minutes before Matt rightly speculated that they set their clocks back a week earlier than we do! Oops! We're not typically very good at remembering when the change in our own country, much less at keeping track of another country's system!

This was our third call with B, and the first one where all three of us (B, our family, and our translator) ALL had video of each other. The first week none of us could see. Last time we could see B, but she couldn't see us. Today we could all see each other - much better than the other options!

These calls with B are wonderful, but challenging at the same time. Working through a translator makes for slow going, and you're never sure how many nuances make it through. We want so much to connect with this sweet sixteen-year-old, but have such a short bit of history together to build on. We realize that these regular contacts are going to be really important for her to continue to build a picture in her mind of the new reality that is going to be hers in a few months, and to help give her something to look forward to, but each of the calls seems to fall short of that. We can say, "Obicham te," to her (and we do!) but what does that actually mean to her?

As Matt and I talked on our drive to church this evening, we realized that we'd both been thinking about this over the course of the day. Our understanding of love is one of a decision - a choice - not something you fall into or out of, or grow into (or out of!) but something you decide to DO. I think there's obviously much more to it than that, because I can definitely say that I've grown to love Matt more as my husband than when he was my boyfriend, and that my love for him has continued to grow as our marriage has progressed, but how we communicate to B that our love for her is not based on what she can accomplish, or what she looks like, or what we dream she will be, but is simply a matter of us choosing to love her as our daughter.

Yes, we'll hopefully have many years to help her to learn and understand this, but in the meantime, it feels like we have a fragile, tentative thread connecting us. It's strong and solid on our end, but we are very aware that, unlike in the case of Krassimir's adoption, B has the option to decide at the adoption court hearing that she prefers the familiarity of the limited world that she has always known to the unfamiliarity of all of the possibility of what it is to be a beloved part of a family that we hold out to her!

And all we get in the meantime are bi-weekly stumbling conversations about little things where we soak in her smiling face and her little mannerisms, and hopefully give her a chance to build familiarity and comfort with our smiling faces in a tiny window on a computer screen.

Sixteen years old today!!! But all of our paperwork that had to be submitted before this "final" of birthdays is long completed. We can just steadily keep moving forward toward the day when she is finally ours!!

~~~

We returned home from a short trip last week to the Provisional Approval Notice from USCIS!! The actual letter that needs to be sent to the US embassy in Bulgaria to get the next step moving has not yet been initiated, but now it's just a matter of when, not if. Hooray! One step closer!