Six of our nine children are part of our local 4-H club. We have come to enjoy 4-H because it is fairly easy to commit to (one meeting per month), provides fun opportunities, and is a club that is designed to incorporate a wide range of ages (kindergarten through first year of college) and interests and abilities. It's perfect for our larger family with a range of unique situations.
The culmination of the 4-H year is the County Fair, and the showing of one's "project." It's taken me a few years to really figure this out, but a "project" is really anything in the world that you as a club member can come up with. You can make something, bake something, train something, research something, perform something - pretty much anything you can think of can be made into a 4-H project. At the judging day, each club member meets individually with a judge in their particular project area (engineering design, clothing, quilting, photography, performing arts, fine arts, crafts, shop, indoor gardening, you name it!) and together they discuss the project, the goals, what was learned, what could be done better, and then each project is given a ribbon according to the Danish system of judging where the projects are not judged against each other, but are judged against a standard, and then given a red (average), white (below average) or blue (above average) ribbon as appropriate.
Because, in my experience, most 4-Hers tend to be more motivated, either internally or by their parents, the majority of the projects end up being above average, but there is still an element of the unknown in the process.
Especially for a certain sixteen year old who's never in her life been in a situation like this!!!
We were very grateful to our friend Avrora, one of the Bulgarian women we've met through the Bulgarian school, for agreeing to come along and be Bogomila's translator for the afternoon! I really think Bobbi could have done just fine on her own with the way her English skills are developing, but having a Bulgarian speaker along greatly helped to make her less nervous.
So, here she is! Stretching herself in a way that she had repeatedly over the week leading up to it, told me she could not do. But she did!!
Bogomila enjoys baking, and baked a beautiful loaf of Carrot Banana Walnut Bread. She is getting quite adept, even with the limitations of her cerebral palsy, and can now measure almost all of the ingredients by herself, and does all of the mixing herself, too. (Mom still reads the recipe!)
Her second project was a collage she had made from photos of her friends from Bulgaria. She again was very hesitant to share, but was delighted with the blue ribbon she was awarded.
Here she is during the fair a few days later, checking out her project where it was hanging on display.
She did it!! One more "can't" turned into a "can." Little steps, but real steps, and now I'm looking forward to seeing what she decides to do for next year now that she has some idea what is possible!
This whole experience was very uncomfortable for her, but we as her parents know that some discomfort now holds great promise for possibilities in her future, so because we love her, we push her into situations that are anything but comfortable! And she did it!
Wonderful experience for her! We're an Iowa farm family. Our 8 kids (3 bio, 5adopted) were all involved in 4H. Projects were sometimes done reluctantly, but always they were proud of their accomplishments. Our oldest daughters credit 4H projects and fair for teaching them a lot of things they still use and value as adults...perseverance, confidence, new skills they developed, goal sheets and paperwork, etc. Our last daughter, intl adoption, would not have tried much of anything in either school or 4H, tho she has no physical or mental challenges other than at age eleven, learning new language, culture, life in a family. She balked at all projects, but by completing them, having to meet MY standards (reasonable effort and expectations for effort), she was always happy about what she'd accomplished. She gained confidence and even showed pigs and sheep and actually spoke to the judges, which was huge. Yay! Score! Great idea for Bobbie. Congratulations on working hard to try something new, Bobbie. Way to go! Hope I'm still reading your mom's blog next year to see your fair projects! And way to go Mom! I know the effort that goes into 4H, even when kept low key...especially with multiple 4Hers. It's so wonderful to see them have success and gain confidence. Great job, Mom...and Dad!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations Bogomila! I don't like being out of my comfort zone either, but I agree with your mom that it's good for us in the end. :-)
ReplyDeleteIs B. going to go to school come fall? I know that if I were in her situation, I would want to meet more kids my own age, and to be able to form relationships with them via shared experiences (e.g. by being stuck in school together!), even though doing so might be super scary or even annoying.
ReplyDelete4-H looks great but I'm wondering if she has enough opportunities to hang out with other kids without having mom & dad & siblings around, and without the judgement from parents' friends either.
So much about being a teen is related to finding your place in life via trying out different friendships/relationships, as hard as those experiences may be.
I don't mean to be critical; I want to encourage you to push her in these ways. 4-H is a great first step. I guess I'm just wondering how much your presence matters, since I know that many teens want to do things without adults around!
I haven't spent a lot of time sharing about it, but Bobbi is resistant to an extreme degree to "getting out." We are currently happy when she chooses on her own initiative to come out of her bedroom and spend time in the living room with us! ;) It's been an interesting challenge to us to find the right balance between pushing her toward things that are necessary and good for her (like getting to know people outside of our family and our circle of friends!) and respecting her anxieties and helping her to know she can trust us to protect her and help her feel safe. Parenting Bogomila is like having the best and worst of a teenager and a two-year old all wrapped up into one package. There are definitely parts of her that are like a typical teenager needing to separate herself from her family and find her own way, but there's just as much, if not more, of her that is still needing to develop that two-year-old confidence that comes from knowing mom and dad are always there. I think she's got to settle into the "nest" before she's ready to fly from it. ;)
DeleteWe've looked into options for her at the high school, and as much as we love home schooling, we greatly value the benefits our public school has to offer some of our children. Both Matt and I think she would do very well if she would even attend a few classes at the high school (which is right next door to us!!) but she is very resistant and insecure on many levels, and we're concerned that pushing her too far too soon may not achieve the desired results. So she'll be home with us, and I'm hoping to help her build some confidence academically through that in a "safe" environment.
But we have regular contact with the person in the school district who is able to help us with these things, so know we have the open invitation to touring again whenever we want, and to any sort of flexible options to get her connected there. I'm hoping, but not letting her know, that maybe by the spring term she'd be able to give it a try. I, too, think she would be surprised by the positive aspects of the effort!
I'm not meaning to start any debate, but I also know how important it is for Bobbi to bond with her new family, as you say, feel safe in her new nest before venturing out. As a mother of eight, even with my three bio kids, my instinct was to first give them the security of our family before being concerned about socializing with other kids. And as the mother of one adopted daughter who struggled in particular to attach to her new family, I believe you are finding the right balance for Bobbi by both encouraging her to try new things, while first and firemost making sure she learns what living in and being loved by a family means. People often seem to forget how different it is for families of older adoptees. We only have the chance to build into our child's life for a few short years. We brought our kids home because we wanted to love and nurture them and try to instill our family values into their hearts while we can. We're already playing catch up for all the years we didn't share with them and for all they missed knowing about life in a family. Our kids will not hit the milestones when their peers do, at least not for many years. And that's ok. Please don't rush us. You'll know what Bobbi needs and when she needs it. She's still adjusting to family life and truly being loved. The teen culture isn't always the best thing in the world, anyway.
ReplyDeletethat Iowa 4H mom