a heart of gold

The other Wednesday [which, by the way, is now roughly a month ago!] at church for supper before the evening programs (which some of our kids attend, but Matt and I and the others usually eat and then leave to put the first crew to bed before going back to pick up the ones who stay), one of the older women in the church came over, put an arm around both of us as we were feeding the kids and sweetly gushed, "You have a heart of gold."

Mira, with her hair braided all pretty, sitting up in her chair for a while at our annual weekend-long Glewwe family reunion at the end of April. (As are all of the photos in this post.)

I always bristle at comments like this, because most of the time they come from people who don't really know me - they just know enough to know that we have an...interesting...family. 😏 What do they know about the state of my heart? I had a similar reaction a few weeks ago when, unbeknownst to us ahead of time, our pastor used us as one of a handful of examples from the congregation of how following Jesus means more than just mental consent, but actually putting your feet one in front of the other on the same road that Jesus is walking on. Yes, our feet have actually walked down the jet-way onto those airplanes and landed on Bulgarian soil where our own two feet (with some driving in between!) have taken us into some pretty dismal places, and how I wish there were more people ready to walk that same path! But what I am so very aware of is that it's not the big decisions (like adopting a child...or three...with special needs) that makes one a follower of Jesus, but more importantly, it's the boring, mundane, day-in and day-out living of that life, the knowing of that Savior, that makes the difference. It's not nearly as exciting as the international travel and the emotions of meeting a child and holding him or her for the first time, but it's where the decisions that really matter and really show where our loyalty lies come to fruition.

Krassimir playing outside the cabin with a second-cousin. We had such amazing weather for the end of April!

Circling back briefly to the woman I mentioned above, her intentions are very good, and she has taken a special interest in checking in with me every time she sees me, and I know that the motivation behind her comment was not one to build us up artificially, but one of encouragement to keep on in the work. But at the same time, it reveals a way of thinking that is backward looking and not forward looking.

Evania and I indulged Reuben in one of his favorite pastimes - throwing or dropping rocks into the river.

Maybe there's a reason this post is now nearly a month old. Just tonight in our Bible study with our (small) small group that meets weekly at our house, we got to what is probably one of the sections that has had the greatest long-term impact on me...to the point that when a younger Reuben accidentally ripped that one page holding Philippians 3 out of my previous Bible I knew I needed to get a new one very soon! We were toward the middle of the chapter this week.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:12-14)

I have always found this to be an incredibly powerful way of living out the everyday aspects of life; I can't change the past, but I can, in this moment, fix my eyes on where I am going - what Christ has called me to and done in me (being made perfect!) - without any mistakes from beforehand pulling me down with guilt or regret. I can mess up and still get up and press on toward the goal.

Gloria and I out on the cabin porch with Bobbi.

But this week as we read through during our study, Matt pointed out that the "what lies behind" that Paul talks about earlier in the chapter is actually not all the times he has fallen short, but is rather his list of all of the human accomplishments that someone might be tempted to rest on and rely in. He writes:

If anyone else thinks he has reason for confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to righteousness under the law, blameless. But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. (Philippians 3:4b-7)

 Have we sacrificed greatly to adopt these three precious children? Yes. Does the care of these and our other children consume most of our waking (and non-waking!) hours? Yes. Does that matter? At the moment, no. The only way to see the state of my heart at this moment is to look at my actions, my thoughts, my motivations, right now.   

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ...(3:8, and it's hard to not put the whole chapter in, so you'll have to just go read it yourself all the way through.)

As to the comment about having a heart of gold? Well, later that same Wednesday night, I received some words of wisdom from my husband (who, I must say, I appreciate more and more the longer I know him.) "Well, [gold] is softer than stone, but still not quite the same as a heart of flesh!" What a great way to think about it. Gold is flashy, shiny, it looks pretty and catches your attention, kind of like flying across the ocean to adopt children that are very visibly challenging. Flesh is rather mundane, and sometimes just plain old gross (kind of like the steady stream of diapers that Matt and I are changing every day!). It's ordinary...but it is alive. It is soft, it feels, loves, hurts, breathes. And it is the heart that God has promised to give us when he takes out our hearts of stone and makes us alive!!  

And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in my statutes and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God. (Ezekiel 11:19-20)

So glad that this is the man God has chosen for me to get to live this life with.