Well, tonight instead of my going to bed early while Matt was out going over stuff with his mom and brother, I ended up helping Krassi work on learning one of the important things about having a mommy - when you cry, she comes.
Usually that boy falls asleep within minutes (and not just "is quiet" but is actually asleep - I will go in to check!) and tonight was no different, BUT about an hour after he was laid down I thought I heard something. Didn't quite sound like Rinnah, certainly wasn't Reuben who I have both video and audio monitoring on at all times, maybe was the well pump squeaking? But no - it was Krassi whimpering rather loudly. These moments are so tough - is he sad? sick? hurting in some other way? dirty? (well, no - plenty of smell, but a quick check with a flashlight verified it was nothing more than odor) - and, like Reuben, he has no way to tell me, but unlike Reuben, I don't have a lifetime of his clues and patterns to draw from.
So I did what mommies do. I rubbed his back, patted his bottom, held his hand, and sang to him. I wiped his nose (does he have a runny nose? getting a cold? or just loose from crying? Because by this point he was full out crying) and gave him a bit of Tylenol and patted his back and sang some more.
It took about 45 minutes before he was able to fall back asleep. I still have no idea what was wrong with the poor boy. All I can hope is that in these tough times he is getting opportunities to learn what it is to be loved.
And now he's been back asleep long enough that I'm going to try to go to bed...with the little rhythm of Baby wiggles going on inside of me. ;)
Monday, November 4, 2013
32 pounds, 7 ounces
Guess who gained a pound and an ounce in the last five days?
Yep. ;) It wasn't me - it was Krassi. That little guy just keeps packing it on. Both Matt and I were commenting a day or two ago that he doesn't look nearly as undernourished as he did when he first came home, and it's been just three weeks since I picked him up and just over two weeks home.
Yes, under the new director he was much better fed, and added 6 pounds to the 22 pounds he weighed on his eighth birthday, but at this rate we'll have accomplished in six weeks what they did in 15 months.
My guess is that the quality of the food we're giving him is better than it was, but also that when you have limited time to feed many children that you can't always spend the 45 minutes that it takes to fill that boy up (or more for other children who were with him! One family I know reports spending almost 2 hours per feeding.) But even more than that, years and years ago I learned that it doesn't only take food to grow, but that children who are not loved fail to produce the hormones necessary for growth. Learning that was my first exposure to the reality of many institutionalized children who are so neglected that they can not grow, regardless of how much or what they are fed. We're making sure to fill Krassi up with all of the good stuff that we have to offer him, and so far its working!
Yep. ;) It wasn't me - it was Krassi. That little guy just keeps packing it on. Both Matt and I were commenting a day or two ago that he doesn't look nearly as undernourished as he did when he first came home, and it's been just three weeks since I picked him up and just over two weeks home.
Yes, under the new director he was much better fed, and added 6 pounds to the 22 pounds he weighed on his eighth birthday, but at this rate we'll have accomplished in six weeks what they did in 15 months.
My guess is that the quality of the food we're giving him is better than it was, but also that when you have limited time to feed many children that you can't always spend the 45 minutes that it takes to fill that boy up (or more for other children who were with him! One family I know reports spending almost 2 hours per feeding.) But even more than that, years and years ago I learned that it doesn't only take food to grow, but that children who are not loved fail to produce the hormones necessary for growth. Learning that was my first exposure to the reality of many institutionalized children who are so neglected that they can not grow, regardless of how much or what they are fed. We're making sure to fill Krassi up with all of the good stuff that we have to offer him, and so far its working!
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Sufficiency and abundance
I left church this morning filled up. In our sunday school class we're working our way through 2 Corinthians (which is one reason you've seen a lot of that here lately!) and today were in chapter 9. Both Matt and I found this verse towards the middle to be just the right encouragement for this time:
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.
(and in another version, like this:
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed;)
The completeness of the sufficiency that God is capable of providing is of an all-encompassing sort. All sufficiency in all things at all times. And then the second part - not only is he able to make his grace abound to us for just "sufficiency" but when it comes to the good work that he has prepared for us to do, he is able to provide an abundance.
Matt and I have seen that over the last year. We've always marveled and delighted in the fact that although we've never had a lot, we have always had enough. But last fall when God started showing us the big plans he had for us for the upcoming year, it was something that would require way more than just what is sufficient for day to day living. Last September it was "simply" pursuing the large addition to our house to make room for his mother to come live with us AND him making it clear in a variety of ways that he was expecting us to do it without taking out a mortgage. Yikes. And then, if that wasn't enough, it was in October of last year when we learned that what we had thought was a huge financial barrier to our being able to pursue international adoption (our income does not meet the USCIS guidelines for sponsoring an immigrant) was gone, because when you are adopting, you can apply your assets to your income to reach the required minimum!! The money that God was beginning to provide to us for the work on the house already at that time was there so that finances were a complete non-issue for the adoption.
But that put us in a situation where over the next 12-plus-a-little-bit-more months we would need to see nearly 5 times our regular yearly income come through in addition to our regular yearly income to take care of the regular cost of living expenses. That seems impossible, huh?
And here we are, right now, with the adoption completely paid for (well, we still have post-placement reports to do which will have expenses associated with them, but that's pretty minimal and spread out over the next two years), and many, many expenses on the house also covered. Just today we realized that we had paid our framer $12,000 more than we thought we had! That means our last payment to him will be much smaller than we'd been thinking as we were tallying costs for the remainder of 2013 - super exciting! It's not actually "money in the bank" but it sure felt like that this afternoon when Matt looked into it, and sure enough - we've got most of that already paid!!
Of that huge amount - five times plus some of our yearly income in addition to what we need, we probably have already seen 80-85% of that come through.
And yet our human minds on their own are so time-bound. I can look back on the past and see the amazing work that God has done, and still look forward and wonder how it's all going to work out. Shame on me. ;) I have loved the phrase "fight the good fight of faith" because in so many ways I am realizing that every moment of every day is an opportunity to choose to believe or to not believe.
We have seen God as able to supply our needs sufficiently, and we have also seen him provide an abundance for the good work that he has prepared for us to do.
And, as a side note about sufficiency, my experience with this is not that, for example, He promises that I will always get a full eight hour night's sleep, which is considered a healthy amount. But he DOES promise that his grace will abound such that the sleep that he does provide to me will be sufficient for what he calls me to each day. In fact, the less the sleep, the more dependent on his abundant grace I become! And then there are times when out of the blue (like last night!) he chooses to delight us with a great night's sleep. I can't tell you the last time I slept as well as I did last night - 8.5 hours in bed and only out of bed twice in the night, and neither of those times were for seizures, nor did they last long! And, miracle of all miracles, Reuben, aka "I never sleep past 5:30am or maybe 6am if you're really lucky and sometimes am up for the day earlier than either of those" slept until 7:06!! Without any seizures!!! We, as many of your already know, are of course too dumb to remember little things like Daylight Saving, so we made a hearty scramble and were putting shoes on at what we thought was 8:45 getting ready to make it to church by 9 despite "sleeping in" when we realized we were an hour early. Oops. ;)
It has been really neat for us to see many people at our church stepping forward in various ways to help our family out in the last few weeks. Today we were given a pie, an offer of construction help for Matt, someone who asked if I needed help with housework (you mean people actually *clean* their houses?? Oh yes. I used to do that. ;) ) and a start at a list of people who are planning to help us out with a weekly meal.
And this morning we sang the song I shared last night.
Now Lord I would be yours alone and live so all might see,
The strength to follow Your commands could never come from me
I can't handle everything that's coming our way. To follow my Jesus and trust in him is something that can't come from me - it is only because his grace abounds to me and drives me to believe what he promises.
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.
(and in another version, like this:
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed;)
The completeness of the sufficiency that God is capable of providing is of an all-encompassing sort. All sufficiency in all things at all times. And then the second part - not only is he able to make his grace abound to us for just "sufficiency" but when it comes to the good work that he has prepared for us to do, he is able to provide an abundance.
Matt and I have seen that over the last year. We've always marveled and delighted in the fact that although we've never had a lot, we have always had enough. But last fall when God started showing us the big plans he had for us for the upcoming year, it was something that would require way more than just what is sufficient for day to day living. Last September it was "simply" pursuing the large addition to our house to make room for his mother to come live with us AND him making it clear in a variety of ways that he was expecting us to do it without taking out a mortgage. Yikes. And then, if that wasn't enough, it was in October of last year when we learned that what we had thought was a huge financial barrier to our being able to pursue international adoption (our income does not meet the USCIS guidelines for sponsoring an immigrant) was gone, because when you are adopting, you can apply your assets to your income to reach the required minimum!! The money that God was beginning to provide to us for the work on the house already at that time was there so that finances were a complete non-issue for the adoption.
But that put us in a situation where over the next 12-plus-a-little-bit-more months we would need to see nearly 5 times our regular yearly income come through in addition to our regular yearly income to take care of the regular cost of living expenses. That seems impossible, huh?
And here we are, right now, with the adoption completely paid for (well, we still have post-placement reports to do which will have expenses associated with them, but that's pretty minimal and spread out over the next two years), and many, many expenses on the house also covered. Just today we realized that we had paid our framer $12,000 more than we thought we had! That means our last payment to him will be much smaller than we'd been thinking as we were tallying costs for the remainder of 2013 - super exciting! It's not actually "money in the bank" but it sure felt like that this afternoon when Matt looked into it, and sure enough - we've got most of that already paid!!
Of that huge amount - five times plus some of our yearly income in addition to what we need, we probably have already seen 80-85% of that come through.
And yet our human minds on their own are so time-bound. I can look back on the past and see the amazing work that God has done, and still look forward and wonder how it's all going to work out. Shame on me. ;) I have loved the phrase "fight the good fight of faith" because in so many ways I am realizing that every moment of every day is an opportunity to choose to believe or to not believe.
We have seen God as able to supply our needs sufficiently, and we have also seen him provide an abundance for the good work that he has prepared for us to do.
And, as a side note about sufficiency, my experience with this is not that, for example, He promises that I will always get a full eight hour night's sleep, which is considered a healthy amount. But he DOES promise that his grace will abound such that the sleep that he does provide to me will be sufficient for what he calls me to each day. In fact, the less the sleep, the more dependent on his abundant grace I become! And then there are times when out of the blue (like last night!) he chooses to delight us with a great night's sleep. I can't tell you the last time I slept as well as I did last night - 8.5 hours in bed and only out of bed twice in the night, and neither of those times were for seizures, nor did they last long! And, miracle of all miracles, Reuben, aka "I never sleep past 5:30am or maybe 6am if you're really lucky and sometimes am up for the day earlier than either of those" slept until 7:06!! Without any seizures!!! We, as many of your already know, are of course too dumb to remember little things like Daylight Saving, so we made a hearty scramble and were putting shoes on at what we thought was 8:45 getting ready to make it to church by 9 despite "sleeping in" when we realized we were an hour early. Oops. ;)
It has been really neat for us to see many people at our church stepping forward in various ways to help our family out in the last few weeks. Today we were given a pie, an offer of construction help for Matt, someone who asked if I needed help with housework (you mean people actually *clean* their houses?? Oh yes. I used to do that. ;) ) and a start at a list of people who are planning to help us out with a weekly meal.
And this morning we sang the song I shared last night.
Now Lord I would be yours alone and live so all might see,
The strength to follow Your commands could never come from me
I can't handle everything that's coming our way. To follow my Jesus and trust in him is something that can't come from me - it is only because his grace abounds to me and drives me to believe what he promises.
Boys all dressed up
I know I'm posting this out of order, so don't even know if any of you will find it, but since one purpose of this blog is so that *we* can remember things, here goes.
Krassi was given a little red sweater vest by his baba (and a pair of pants that are not really a good fit for him), and I wanted to get a picture of him in it in hopes that I could find a way to share it with her somehow. She gave us a little slip of paper with what she said was "email" but isn't email, but I'm thinking we can find a way to make it useful. Just need some time with someone more web-savvy than me. ;) (Dad???)
So, there's my boys!!
So, there's my boys!!
House progress
I have so many little things that want to be given a post, and somehow not as much time as I would like to do that. ;) But I did get outside and took a few photos of what's happened on the house in the last week (nothing happened the week I was in Bulgaria or the week after that because Matt had lots of computer work to do, and as nice as it is to get work done on the house, it's nice to do work that someone's paying you to do, too!)
Three things of note on the house:
1) the last of the "board and batten" boards are up, so the house is completely covered (with the exception of the small chunk of wall where the entry door goes.) Most of the battens above the flat roof are on, leaving only the ones under the flat roof to do maybe this fall, maybe in the spring.
2) this morning, with some help from Mike (our framer), Matt was able to put in the entry door! This is one important piece of getting some rudimentary heat into the building so we can work on the inside without freezing. ;) Our first method of doing that will be simply opening up the window that will eventually become the doorway that connects the addition to the main house, and eventually, will be with the radiant system of the addition once we pass our rough-in inspection (which won't happen until we have that done, of course! That's the next priority.)
3) The first layer of interior insulation is in! Matt has this addition detailed to be highly insulated. There's the 1" of foam continuous on the exterior, boosting insulation R-value as well as not having any "cold" spots at studs. Then, in the 2x4 exterior walls there is fiberglass batt insulation, which you see here. Then, there will be a 1" space for running all of the electrical, and then a second exterior wall (only a 2x3) inside of which we will blow cellulose, once again providing a thermal break at stud locations. Theoretically, this should make the house much more energy efficient to heat, and will also help to keep it cooler in the summer.
Three things of note on the house:
1) the last of the "board and batten" boards are up, so the house is completely covered (with the exception of the small chunk of wall where the entry door goes.) Most of the battens above the flat roof are on, leaving only the ones under the flat roof to do maybe this fall, maybe in the spring.
2) this morning, with some help from Mike (our framer), Matt was able to put in the entry door! This is one important piece of getting some rudimentary heat into the building so we can work on the inside without freezing. ;) Our first method of doing that will be simply opening up the window that will eventually become the doorway that connects the addition to the main house, and eventually, will be with the radiant system of the addition once we pass our rough-in inspection (which won't happen until we have that done, of course! That's the next priority.)
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Saturday, November 2, 2013
Krassi post script
I forgot to mention that Krassi likes to swing. ;) This is Reuben's swing (one of the perks of having a younger brother who has special needs himself is that there is already equipment like this around!) and is a great size for Krassi and has the full harness he needs for stability. I wasn't sure what he would think, so we started easy, but he loved it and fussed when I finally took him out!
One of the downsides of having a younger brother like Reuben is that there is no. way. that Reuben can see Krassi using this swing unless I'm prepared to handle the onslaught of self-aggression that will arise in Reuben. Reuben is very set in his ways, and asking to go out and swing is one of the few things that he's able to communicate through his own made-up signs combined with vocalizations, and he would not be cool with someone else in his swing. This means we will swing on afternoons when Reuben naps. ;) I'm pleased so far with the level of care that Reuben is showing toward Krassimir and don't want to give him reason to discontinue that. Maybe once we have a few more weeks under our belts I'll think about asking Reuben is he would like to give Krassi a turn to try his swing.
Two weeks home
Well, Krassimir's been home for two weeks already! I've said multiple times to many people that Reuben is still our most challenging child. But that doesn't negate the additional work that is created by adding another family member! I hardly know where to start, so I'm going to try a simple bullet point approach to give you an idea of how Krassi's doing and how his family is doing!
- Krassi is still my amazing eater. As long as we puree it enough (not completely, but enough), he will eat anything! He's had herbed tomato bisque soup, meatloaf and mashed potatoes, chipotle chili with plain yogurt, oatmeal, baked oatmeal, green tomato bread soaked in Pediasure, spinach/beef/noodle casserole, Zuppa Toscana, and pretty much anything else you can think of. He eats a lot of bananas and avocado and applesauce, cottage cheese and plain yogurt, and pumpkin (despite being told at the orphanage that this was the one thing he didn't like - apparently he'd never had homegrown pumpkin before!) We find that he usually takes about 45 minutes to fill up, but that when he's full, he will push the spoon away with his hand. He had been eating four meals a day at the orphanage, and we continued that until a few days ago when we noticed that since we're feeding him until he is full at breakfast and lunch that he doesn't always need a snack before filling up at supper. Often I will give him a snack, but *I* control how much he eats at the snack - enough that he is satisfied, but I stop before he stops me. He still only eats/drinks from a spoon, though we have had occasional success at getting a little bit of liquid into him with a sippy cup. We will continue to work on this skill!
- We had our visit with the international adoption clinic doctor on Wednesday of this week, and she ran a whole panel of blood tests and will get back to us about any deficiencies that we will want to address in his diet. We asked her specifically about what and how much to feed him. Although she referred us to a nutritionist if we desired for the "what" she said that we did not have to be concerned about feeding him too much. This is another advantage of Krassi being one of the "bigger" kids to come out of his floor of his orphanage. Many of the other children we know of who came from the same environment were even more severely malnourished than Krassi was/is and there are concerns about introducing good nutrition to children like this too quickly because it can cause their bodies to shut down completely. It greatly simplifies my life to be able to just feed him. She said that as long as he is not uncomfortable after eating or vomiting from overeating, that it is good for us to let him regulate so he doesn't grow dependent on us to tell him when he has or hasn't had enough. She expects him to do most of his growing in the next six months and then slow down. (Funny - *I* plan to do a lot of growing in the next six months, too!)
- Krassi spends most of his days in the middle of all the activity that goes on in our living room. He is too big and inflexible and my belly is already too big to make carrying him with me for any period of time a feasible idea (I'm hoping that maybe a back carrier may be a possibility before too long (ie before I'm WAY too big) as he continues with his PT and I work with him at home - last night for a short amount of time I was able to carry him straddled on my hip! Or some semblance of that. This is evidence both of the progress he made with his PT at the orphanage as well as his comfort level with me (more comfortable=less stiff) and the hip rotation and knee/hip bending that position requires is something that was not anywhere near possible last March!) Although I would like to have him closer to me for bonding, especially considering he's got some competition on the way, we are making the most of what we have. I am always close enough to be talking to him, and make a point of touching him in some way every time I pass through his very central location. It delights me, too, to see how often I will find Reuben near Krassi.
And there are still plenty of times when I am able to be close by, or sitting on the floor snuggling him, or bouncing him on my lap, or carrying him upstairs with me for small tasks. Yesterday this was the view from where I was sitting on the floor against the couch:
All sorts of babies in that photo!! (Because it's harder to tell from the backs of their heads if you don't know them, Reuben is in the red and playing with his iPad and Krassi is in the blue right next to me and whoever's inside. ;)
- Krassi also spends some time each day propped on the couch. So far he seems pretty stable up there, as he tends to fall to the side and not forward just because of the way his body works.
- Krassi also enjoys exploring the tiny hall space where I have diapers set up. Often when I'm done changing him I'll let him scoot around for a bit rearranging the diaper crate and "only worn once" clothes crate. And whatever else he finds on the floor. He thinks this is pretty hilarious. I know this video is not much to *look* at, but the audio is pretty fun. ;) Give him a few seconds to get going...
- Although we have lots of times where Krassi is just delighted by life like in the video above, he's also got times when he's whimpering or worse, and I just don't know why, and am not able to comfort him. Partly this is because as a mother my primary means for comforting my children is snuggling, rocking, singing, and none of these are familiar to him, and will often add to his distress. A number of times he will whimper when there is nothing at all that appears to be wrong, and I wonder if there's part of him that's contrasting his life now to his life then, and it's too much for him to process. I may be thinking much too sophisticatedly for him, but I wonder if there are all sorts of difficult emotions (grief, anger, frustration) that are raised by being in a love-filled environment that he never had to deal with when what he knew at the orphanage was all he had ever known. In many ways he strikes us as a rather intelligent child, and I wouldn't be surprised if this is part of what he's struggling through. If this is the case, I expect these times to get more difficult for him in the upcoming weeks and months instead of something that will dissipate quickly. He's got nine years of bad history to deal with and work through. So we use these times as opportunities to help him start learning that when he cries, when he's sad or hurting, or upset, that he's got a mama now who is going to comfort him. He will sometimes find comfort in me holding him over my shoulder and bouncing, and one thing that almost always works is when I sing a simple little song to him that kind of just grew last week. "Mama loves you, Mama loves you, everyday, everyday, Krassi has a mama, Krassi has a mama, everyday, everyday. I'm no vocalist, nor that creative at lyrics, but it has been amazing to see how I only need to start singing that and he relaxes a bit and sometimes even smiles.
- More mundane, now. This is why I'm doing bullet points - lets me jump from topic to topic as my tired brain allows. ;) We are satisfied from the last week's evidence that we are not dealing with any complicated bowel/gut issues!! The constipation while in Sofia I am chalking up to the stress of a different environment and caregiver, and the extreme opposite of that which was our experience early to mid week last week I'm attributing to a sudden introduction to a much different, much richer, and more nutritious diet. Since last Wednesday Krassi has been nice and regular, passing nice middle of the road stools a few times during the day starting with one when he first wakes up that although it usually results in his pjs and undershirt being wet are not usually dirty outside of the diaper, and a few times, now, we've managed to not have to change the sheets in the morning!!! Yay hooray!!! But, myself included, I am responsible for the bodily waste of more than half of our family members. Matt will change a few when he's around (but he's still too nervous to handle Krassi that way, which is fine because it lets me maximize my role as Krassi's primary/sole caregiver) but other than that, I'm on my own!! I can not explain to you how incredibly chunky Reuben and Rinnah appear!! I changed Krassi and put him into pjs tonight, then Reuben, and called him my Beefcake. Then came Rin, and I was asking her if she was a beefcake, too, to which she answered, "noooooo" so I asked if she was a turkeycake. "Yeah!!" Silly girl. ;)
I am finding so much to hold onto in this short passage from the end of 2 Corinthians chapter 4 that I shared the other night.
Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.
Although I dislike the comparison to "affliction" or "suffering" because my life most certainly isn't either one of those, and I most certainly don't want to apply those terms to my children, these are definitely overwhelming times when the things that I am juggling seem way beyond the possible, and I spend much of my day working to keep my focus on what is important about what I'm doing. So I take comfort in knowing that this is the life that God has prepared for me, and that my work loving (and changing and feeding) these children and my husband (and mother-in-law) (though thankfully I don't have to change my husband or mother-in-law!) is so much more than just that. Knowing that this is the life he has given me means that when I live it joyfully without despairing, HE is glorified. When I look at the temporal things, it's easy to get discouraged. This house will never be clean again! But the temporal things are just that - temporary. And in the end, who cares if my house is clean? I don't intend to stand before God someday and say, "Hey - did you notice how nice my house looked and how I mopped the floor every week?!" No. I intend it to sound much more like the refrain of a song I play regularly on the piano, "All I have is Christ, hallelujah - Jesus is my life."
"Now Lord I would be yours alone and live so all might see,
The strength to follow Your commands could never come from me.
O Father, use my ransomed life in any way you choose,
And let my song forever be, my only boast is you."
This is the life he has called us to. I most certainly don't have the strength or the resources to live this life on my own. But I know Someone who does.
- Krassi is still my amazing eater. As long as we puree it enough (not completely, but enough), he will eat anything! He's had herbed tomato bisque soup, meatloaf and mashed potatoes, chipotle chili with plain yogurt, oatmeal, baked oatmeal, green tomato bread soaked in Pediasure, spinach/beef/noodle casserole, Zuppa Toscana, and pretty much anything else you can think of. He eats a lot of bananas and avocado and applesauce, cottage cheese and plain yogurt, and pumpkin (despite being told at the orphanage that this was the one thing he didn't like - apparently he'd never had homegrown pumpkin before!) We find that he usually takes about 45 minutes to fill up, but that when he's full, he will push the spoon away with his hand. He had been eating four meals a day at the orphanage, and we continued that until a few days ago when we noticed that since we're feeding him until he is full at breakfast and lunch that he doesn't always need a snack before filling up at supper. Often I will give him a snack, but *I* control how much he eats at the snack - enough that he is satisfied, but I stop before he stops me. He still only eats/drinks from a spoon, though we have had occasional success at getting a little bit of liquid into him with a sippy cup. We will continue to work on this skill!
- We had our visit with the international adoption clinic doctor on Wednesday of this week, and she ran a whole panel of blood tests and will get back to us about any deficiencies that we will want to address in his diet. We asked her specifically about what and how much to feed him. Although she referred us to a nutritionist if we desired for the "what" she said that we did not have to be concerned about feeding him too much. This is another advantage of Krassi being one of the "bigger" kids to come out of his floor of his orphanage. Many of the other children we know of who came from the same environment were even more severely malnourished than Krassi was/is and there are concerns about introducing good nutrition to children like this too quickly because it can cause their bodies to shut down completely. It greatly simplifies my life to be able to just feed him. She said that as long as he is not uncomfortable after eating or vomiting from overeating, that it is good for us to let him regulate so he doesn't grow dependent on us to tell him when he has or hasn't had enough. She expects him to do most of his growing in the next six months and then slow down. (Funny - *I* plan to do a lot of growing in the next six months, too!)
- Krassi spends most of his days in the middle of all the activity that goes on in our living room. He is too big and inflexible and my belly is already too big to make carrying him with me for any period of time a feasible idea (I'm hoping that maybe a back carrier may be a possibility before too long (ie before I'm WAY too big) as he continues with his PT and I work with him at home - last night for a short amount of time I was able to carry him straddled on my hip! Or some semblance of that. This is evidence both of the progress he made with his PT at the orphanage as well as his comfort level with me (more comfortable=less stiff) and the hip rotation and knee/hip bending that position requires is something that was not anywhere near possible last March!) Although I would like to have him closer to me for bonding, especially considering he's got some competition on the way, we are making the most of what we have. I am always close enough to be talking to him, and make a point of touching him in some way every time I pass through his very central location. It delights me, too, to see how often I will find Reuben near Krassi.
- Krassi also spends some time each day propped on the couch. So far he seems pretty stable up there, as he tends to fall to the side and not forward just because of the way his body works.
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| Ha! I caught a smile! |
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| This is also a common expression - notice here how he's almost sitting cross-legged? He had PT the morning this picture was taken, and had fantastic (for him) flexibility for the rest of the day. |
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| The typical "fall over to the side" next to an essentially oblivious Owen. |
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| Reuben, however, was very aware of what was going on - "Boys on the couch!" - and decided he would figure out a way to get into the fun. Krassi is not at all put off by this sort of gymnastics (though it does make mom a little nervous!) and even seems to get a kick out of it if Reu or Rin misses a little and knocks into him - it's never been enough to hurt, and Krassi seems to like the physical interaction. |
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| With a little help from me, we got Krassi sitting back up so there was room for Reuben. |
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| My three boys on the couch. Check out those ankles. Doesn't Reuben look like a big bruiser next to his brother who's more than twice his age?? |
- Although we have lots of times where Krassi is just delighted by life like in the video above, he's also got times when he's whimpering or worse, and I just don't know why, and am not able to comfort him. Partly this is because as a mother my primary means for comforting my children is snuggling, rocking, singing, and none of these are familiar to him, and will often add to his distress. A number of times he will whimper when there is nothing at all that appears to be wrong, and I wonder if there's part of him that's contrasting his life now to his life then, and it's too much for him to process. I may be thinking much too sophisticatedly for him, but I wonder if there are all sorts of difficult emotions (grief, anger, frustration) that are raised by being in a love-filled environment that he never had to deal with when what he knew at the orphanage was all he had ever known. In many ways he strikes us as a rather intelligent child, and I wouldn't be surprised if this is part of what he's struggling through. If this is the case, I expect these times to get more difficult for him in the upcoming weeks and months instead of something that will dissipate quickly. He's got nine years of bad history to deal with and work through. So we use these times as opportunities to help him start learning that when he cries, when he's sad or hurting, or upset, that he's got a mama now who is going to comfort him. He will sometimes find comfort in me holding him over my shoulder and bouncing, and one thing that almost always works is when I sing a simple little song to him that kind of just grew last week. "Mama loves you, Mama loves you, everyday, everyday, Krassi has a mama, Krassi has a mama, everyday, everyday. I'm no vocalist, nor that creative at lyrics, but it has been amazing to see how I only need to start singing that and he relaxes a bit and sometimes even smiles.
- More mundane, now. This is why I'm doing bullet points - lets me jump from topic to topic as my tired brain allows. ;) We are satisfied from the last week's evidence that we are not dealing with any complicated bowel/gut issues!! The constipation while in Sofia I am chalking up to the stress of a different environment and caregiver, and the extreme opposite of that which was our experience early to mid week last week I'm attributing to a sudden introduction to a much different, much richer, and more nutritious diet. Since last Wednesday Krassi has been nice and regular, passing nice middle of the road stools a few times during the day starting with one when he first wakes up that although it usually results in his pjs and undershirt being wet are not usually dirty outside of the diaper, and a few times, now, we've managed to not have to change the sheets in the morning!!! Yay hooray!!! But, myself included, I am responsible for the bodily waste of more than half of our family members. Matt will change a few when he's around (but he's still too nervous to handle Krassi that way, which is fine because it lets me maximize my role as Krassi's primary/sole caregiver) but other than that, I'm on my own!! I can not explain to you how incredibly chunky Reuben and Rinnah appear!! I changed Krassi and put him into pjs tonight, then Reuben, and called him my Beefcake. Then came Rin, and I was asking her if she was a beefcake, too, to which she answered, "noooooo" so I asked if she was a turkeycake. "Yeah!!" Silly girl. ;)
I am finding so much to hold onto in this short passage from the end of 2 Corinthians chapter 4 that I shared the other night.
Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.
Although I dislike the comparison to "affliction" or "suffering" because my life most certainly isn't either one of those, and I most certainly don't want to apply those terms to my children, these are definitely overwhelming times when the things that I am juggling seem way beyond the possible, and I spend much of my day working to keep my focus on what is important about what I'm doing. So I take comfort in knowing that this is the life that God has prepared for me, and that my work loving (and changing and feeding) these children and my husband (and mother-in-law) (though thankfully I don't have to change my husband or mother-in-law!) is so much more than just that. Knowing that this is the life he has given me means that when I live it joyfully without despairing, HE is glorified. When I look at the temporal things, it's easy to get discouraged. This house will never be clean again! But the temporal things are just that - temporary. And in the end, who cares if my house is clean? I don't intend to stand before God someday and say, "Hey - did you notice how nice my house looked and how I mopped the floor every week?!" No. I intend it to sound much more like the refrain of a song I play regularly on the piano, "All I have is Christ, hallelujah - Jesus is my life."
"Now Lord I would be yours alone and live so all might see,
The strength to follow Your commands could never come from me.
O Father, use my ransomed life in any way you choose,
And let my song forever be, my only boast is you."
This is the life he has called us to. I most certainly don't have the strength or the resources to live this life on my own. But I know Someone who does.
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