Mom's project

Twenty days until we leave for Bulgaria.

I've been sharing the progress on Matt's project; tonight you get a glimpse of my project.

 I've made a quilt for each of my children - just a small one - bigger than a "crib size," but not really bed sized, either. Owen's was finished before he was born, and hung expectantly on the side of his crib for months. Leah's I started and didn't finish until AFTER Reuben was born when I decided that since I now had a third to make I'd give the one I'd started for her to Reuben and make a girly one for Leah. ;) Somehow I managed to get Rinnah's done, AND finish Krassimir's before he got home. Evania's finally got finished up last spring a few months after Gloria was born and we knew we were bringing Bogomila and Tsvetomira home.

 That means this year I've got three quilts on my agenda!! I had an idea, so got a good start on Gloria's in the spring and summer. I'm currently on the quilting stage of that one. Tsvetomira's I started in the early fall, and although I have everything for her cut, and the more complicated part of the piecing sewn, I put both of those on hold once I settled on a color palette and design for Bogomila's. She, after all, is the only one of the three who will really notice if I have it done or not! She is also the only child who is going to be getting a quilt big enough to fit on a twin size bed.

I'm really hoping, in an odd nesting sort of way, to have this quilt finished for her before I leave on the 20th to bring her home. I've been cutting and piecing all the various elements, and tonight took the time to lay it all out!!!

Her favorite colors are turquoise, black, and gray. Pulling in some purple and green from the fabric she chose (out of three options) for her bedroom curtains provided a nice analogous color scheme, which I accented with a touch of complementary orange in the form of foxes on a turquoise and purple background.

All stacked up and ready to sew start sewing into long strips tomorrow...

And what does this have to do with adoption? Well, not much, and lots all at the same time, I guess. ;) I don't know if Bogomila will understand the significance of the work I'm putting into this, but *I* know it's a labor of love for a daughter of mine who's going to find out all sorts of quirky things about being part of a family!

~~~

Speaking of quirky, I wasn't originally going to post this, but it fits in the "quirky" category.

What's Krassi standing there smiling about?

Well, I can tell you, he never saw anything like this while he was laying in his crib for years at the orphanage! And plenty of our conversation tonight circled around what Bogomila's going to think when she comes home and finds us doing this:

Chad doesn't just provide the manual labor support around here, but also the comic relief. He and his family came over with [an amazing] supper tonight AND their new game of Pie Face Showdown.

Dad's project

Matt spent much of the day down in the basement bedroom, with the following results:

Look - no temporary wall! And the kitchen is still upstairs where it belongs.

Up near the ceiling on the back wall you can see the controls for the well. That will be covered with a panel, and the space underneath will become a shelf for books and Legos.

And this is the framing for the soffit to cover the duct work that comes below the joists in part of the room. One of the definite downsides of a lower level bedroom. But Matt's made it as low profile as he can, and as cohesive as he can.

Tomorrow he hopes to finish up the framing! It's really a shot in the dark if it will be ready enough when the girls come home. It won't be *done* - we can pretty much guarantee that. But we're still holding out hope that it will be done enough that we can move the boys' beds into it! Because Bogomila's going to have a bedroom to come home to, and NOT the couch in the living room.

The new bedroom: summary to date

So, we've only been planning for a year to finish off a bedroom in the basement of the original house. The plan is that since Krassimir does not get himself into bed anyway, that he doesn't need to have an accessible bedroom as much as Bogomila does, so she will get the room he and Owen are in right now (the only one on the main level of our home) and they will move into a new one in the basement.

Matt and Owen started digging the window well for the egress window, and building the retaining wall around it back in the summer, but then other projects in the yard took over, and Matt and I could never get beyond cleaning stuff out of the room itself. For years this was my sewing room back when I had a custom sewing business - I had all three of my sewing machines down there, as well as racks in the rafters for hanging fabrics and partially completed draperies, boards for test mounting and stringing roman shades, and a lovely, large 5' by 12' table with a 4" grid across the top of it that Matt made for me for cutting and laying out fabrics.

At one point a few years ago we finished off the stairwell a little bit, putting up a wall instead of just the curtain that his grandparents had there (you can see it in purple on the left of the photo below), but the rest of the room was just concrete floor, painted block walls, and rafters above. Very 1939 basement.

So, this is what we have to work with.

 Once we got travel dates and realized that the girls were really going to be coming home in late January instead of late February, we realized we had to kick it into gear! So...Matt proceeded to spend every hour at his desk finishing up a project for work that has been the bane of his existence since it began. That project was finally sent out on his birthday, December 21st.

The next day he was down to work in the basement. First step was to build a temporary wall just outside of where the new windows are going to be installed to support the joists when we cut out the wall they are currently supported on.

(This is the same photo I shared from last week's post on the first day Matt got going on the work. If it looks familiar, it is - it's just such a good shot of that stage in the game.)

 Next step (which thankfully came a few days after we had a day where the high temperature was 20 degrees below zero...Farenheit!) was to cut out the block. Chad's always up for a project, despite his own many projects that he's got running, so he came over to help Matt with the work. Nice, too, since this is the kind of job that's nice to have two people working on!

 Some left over 1.5" rigid insulation fills the hole at the moment, and Matt went to work building the rough framing and the new header for the opening. Because this window is on the front of the house, and if we're going to go to the work of putting in a finished room in the basement, we wanted it to be a nice window, so the boys will have two egress sized windows in their room, which, since it faces south, should really make for a pleasant bedroom, even though it's in the basement.

 This is a shot of the area under the stairs. You can see the other side of the purple wall. Owen's been dreaming of making this into a really cool bed space, so we're going to kind of custom build a platform into the area that's just the right size for a mattress. This is the kind of thing my sister would have drooled about as a child - probably still would, now! There are going to be a few quirky angles and transitions to deal with to make this space work, but hopefully it should be worth it, and since the labor is free, I think we can pull it off.

 Below is the view from Owen's bed cubby toward the new window (still hiding behind the temporary wall - Matt figures since there's room to work around it, he'll let it stay there to let the new concrete reinforcing the empty block cavities around the window cure as long as they can). The window opening itself is still filled in with rigid insulation because of the setback with the wrong size windows.

Since then, Matt's been framing, framing, framing, occasionally calling either me or Owen down to help him hold furring strips up to the existing joists. Framing is always such a rewarding part of any project. One day there's nothing, and the next, there it is!! Here you can see the treated bottom plates around Owen's closet. (Owen's, because Krassi and Reuben share clothes, which we keep upstairs because that's where they get dressed! Krassi also doesn't have as many Nerf guns as Owen does...) I love how the flooring underlayment and an old upholstered chair are sitting in the space of the closet while the walls get built up around them!

And now there are walls around the closet! (This means the chair has been moved out. Don't need that stuck inside the closet!!)

Matt continues to work at the room every day, with a routine that follows the little girls' nap times. Build when they're awake; work at his computer when they're asleep.

Three weeks from tomorrow I leave for the girls...will it be done??? Or will the boys be sleeping in the living room? Only time will tell.

[September Review] Visiting Tsvetomira

Although I've got photos of the basement bedroom to share, I've got to get photos of Tsvetomira, our little pearl, up for you to see first!

On two of our four visits with Tsvetomira, I walked up those stairs to her orphanage (which, by the way, looks slightly updated now from this photo which was taken three years ago - there's a new sign, new windows and doors) with trepidation inside - can we really do this? What are we getting into?

 

 Matt and I just learned a few days ago from our Bulgarian adoption lawyer that since the children's files became active at Krassimir and Tsvetomira's orphanage about four to five years ago, that there have been two or three other families who have committed to Tsvetomira, and then backed out for various reasons. 

I can sympathize with the uncertainty! It's pretty clear that she will have the opportunity for better medical care in the U.S., but how much that will do for her is unclear. Matt was very much the leader into this adventure to make her our daughter, and it is my joy to follow, but I have to honestly say that when I printed off photos of children from Krassi's old orphanage to pray for until they got families, *I* had already decided I'd be willing to adopt the young, cute one with relatively mild needs. It never occurred to me that Tsvetomira might be our daughter.

 But as I look at this picture now - the first one we have of us with our peaceful little flower, my mama-heart aches to be with her again. On both of those visits (the first and third) where walking down that sidewalk and up those stairs filled me with uncertainty, those doubts were erased as soon as I was there in that room with our girl.

On paper she is very frightening.

Look at that precious girl looking at her Daddy. It's hard to tell for sure, but there were multiple occasions where we were both quite certain she was looking at us.

 In person, she is simply that - a person. A tiny, needy person, yes, but a real, live person. A person who needs someone (or more than one!) to love her. To LOVE her, not just care for her.

That's kind of a monumental task. But I've got the best Teacher anyone could have about what it is to love someone. Christmas is an appropriate time to think about the One who so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son... And that Son came and took on everything that it is to be human and lived with us - knows the struggles we go through, knows the struggles Tsvetomira goes through.

I hope that when I come she will remember my voice, and my touch. Not long now, baby girl!

Merry Christmas...

...from our family (minus two daughters!) to yours!

Discipline

It's rather humorous that Matt was writing about discipline last night. There are many ways that people use the word discipline. I snipped this from merriam-webster.com:

While people often think of entry #1 when thinking of discipline (particularly in a parent-child situation), we prefer to look at #4, and this is, I believe, the type of discipline that is being talked about in the 12th chapter of Hebrews that Matt was talking about last night. God's discipline of us as his children can not relate to punishment because there is no longer any condemnation for those who are in Christ, but there is absolutely, without a shadow of doubt, plenty of training that is still required in us - correction, molding, perfecting - the definition above could come straight out of any number of places in the Bible instead of just Merriam-Webster!

Matt's spent the last two months working (along with other projects for work) on a contract job that's been one of the bigger headache's he's had in all of his years of working in the architectural field. The final drawings were finally due yesterday, and he sent them off telling me he hopes the whole thing comes in so far over budget that it never happens because he doesn't even want to think about having to deal with the shop drawings and RFIs (request for information) that are going to come up if it goes into construction. Nevertheless, it's been consuming his time and mental energy for weeks, and today is the first real day he's had to devote to building the basement bedroom for the boys so Bogomila can have the one main level bedroom in the house.

First thing this morning he realized that the windows we'd received last month are the wrong windows! They're too narrow to meet egress. He looked back at the order, and although we told our rep the right size, the purchase order we approved had the wrong size. Four inches too narrow means the windows we have in our basement don't meet the egress requirements! That's a big downer on the day you have a friend coming over to help you finally cut out the foundation wall and install the windows!! But what are you going to do? Call the rep, leave a message, and keep working forward on other smaller pieces.

There's one more piece of paperwork we need to send to Bulgaria - a power of attorney form allowing me to travel alone and gain custody of the girls, and go through the USCIS stuff and all that without Matt along for the pick up trip. It needs to be, like everything else, notarized, and then run down to the Secretary of State office for an apostille. Not hard, just time consuming. So, Matt got the forms signed yesterday (only one needs an apostille.) This morning after I dropped the boys off at their therapy sessions, Gloria, Evania and I ran down to the Secretary of State with one of the notarized forms, dropped it off, and sat down to wait with a few books. When my name was called, it seemed quicker than usual - what a delight! - only to find that the apostille was rejected because the notary stamp was not fully imprinted on the page. Ugh. So a whole morning wasted. Now Matt's got to go down to the bank for another notary, and we've got to get back to the S of State before we can get the form sent off to Bulgaria.

My whole ride back to pick up the boys was filled with a repeat of what I read in Romans last night: be patient in tribulation. (part of 12:12). Now, yes, I fully understand that wrong size windows and rejected notarized documents are not exactly tribulation, but I think that's part of a father's loving discipline - you get practice with the little things so you're better able to handle the big ones. One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much. (Luke 16:10) Isn't that the same way I discipline my own children? Every morning they're expected to make their beds and tidy up their bedroom floors. This is discipline. It's not punishment for wrong doing, it's not a meaningless exercise. It's my attempt at developing internal discipline in my children. If they can learn to do this small task well, boring and rote as it is, it will prepare them for greater tasks and responsibilities as they grow up. God is doing the same for me and Matt. If we are to be patient in tribulation, what better place to start than small, with windows and apostilles, to better equip us to be patient in bigger tribulations as they come.

In the meantime, Matt and Chad (anyone who's read through the first big addition knows Chad!!!) are going to cut out the wall today anyway, and just cover the opening with plywood. What you see there is the temporary wall Matt put up after lunch today to support the joists until the new header goes in. Right now they're at Menards, and once they get back, the fun begins. ;)

Birthday [by Matt]

Today was my birthday. Growing up I recall anxiously looking forward to my birthday and thinking about what I was going to get or what I was going to get to do with my friends or...It was all about ME. Even in more recent years, I can still recall times when it was my birthday and for some reason I thought that entitled me to a nap or just getting to take it easy in some way or another.

This year my reflection on my birthday is a little different. My birthday started early, around 5 AM when Reuben had a seizure and I was out of bed to help comfort him and get him resettled before climbing back into my own bed to try to get a little more sleep. Then sometime before 6 Reuben crawled in to our bed, as is often the case in the mornings, especially after he has been having seizures.

At 6:30 the alarm went off and it was time to get Krassi up. Get him changed, get him dressed, do his "brushing" routine, get his compression sock and braces on and get him fed, pack his lunch and get all of his winter gear on and loaded into his wheelchair in time to catch the bus.

By 7:20 he was on the bus and I came back into the house where Andrea had the monitor on Reuben as he has just had another large seizure and was wiped out on our bed. Shortly after that, he started moving around, so I went up to get him and bring him downstairs where we could keep a closer eye on him. He was pretty shaky, so I just sat with him on the chair in the dining room. Over the next 30 minutes or so, he cycled in and out of partial and tonic-clonic seizures and his little heart was racing and feeling like it would pop out of his chest. Andrea and I decided this run of seizures had been going long enough and it was time to give him his "rescue" med. After that the seizures slowed and stopped and he fell asleep in my arms.

It was while I was holding him during the seizures that I was thinking about how a birthday, or any day for that matter, that we are given is an opportunity to serve God by being obedient to what he has called us to do. For me, rather than being upset that Reuben was having seizures on MY birthday, I could thank God that I have been granted another day of life to love and care for Reuben and all those that I have been called to love and care for.

I am almost certain that those thoughts this morning have been flavored by the study of Hebrews that I just wrapped up leading this past Sunday at our church and the many nightly conversations that Andrea and I have been having as we wind down before going to bed. The whole book is about how Jesus is better than everything that came before him and how he is the only way that we can draw near to God. Then we have the whole "hall of fame of faith"in chapter 11 about all the examples that we are supposed to learn from and imitate how they lived by faith. How they saw the reality of God and believed that the promises he had given them were true and "by faith" they lived lives that proved that they believed God and were more concerned about obeying him than conforming to the patterns and logic of this world. (Who would be willing to sacrifice their only son, through whom the promise of descendants as numerous as the sand on the seashore, was supposed to be fulfilled? That makes no earthly sense whatsoever!!! Yet that is exactly was Abraham was doing because "by faith" he believed that God could raise Isaac from the dead.)

I warned my class that the term "hall of fame of faith" makes me a little nervous because it makes us have the tendency to put these people in a different class of  people with "super faith" and that for the rest of us with just "regular faith" we shouldn't expect so much. On the contrary, I think the point of that chapter is to show us what faith looks like. If you have faith, there will be things about your life that can't be explained apart from Christ/God, your life shouldn't make sense to the outside observer.

Then in chapter 12, we have all those who have gone before us as a "cloud of witnesses" testifying that God is faithful and that we can finish the race just like they finished. Then the example of Christ who endured the cross for the joy set before him. That is a huge statement and it ties back to Hebrews 10:24.  "For you showed sympathy to the prisoners and accepted joyfully the seizure of your property, knowing that you have for yourselves a better possession and a lasting one." They did these things because they believed that what they had to gain in heaven with God for eternity far outweighed the things they were giving up on this earth. If they and if I understand and believe that, it WILL change my life like it changed theirs.

So, getting back to the birthday topic. By loving and caring for those that God has called me to love and care for, I have certainly given up other things. Yet, I have not done that for the sake of being hard on myself or out of altruism. Rather, I think about it as a form of delayed gratification. God has ways that he wants us to live, things he wants us to do and those things will bring about difficulties in this world. As his children, he is disciplining us in this life (and as he says, that is not pleasant at the moment, but yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness for those who have been trained by it) so that we may share his holiness. And ultimately so that through his loving discipline of us, we can escape the judgement/punishment to come and rather have LIFE eternally with him!

It was a good birthday after all.

Supply

And my God will supply all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)

This adoption has been so different on the financial side of things than Krassimir's was. We went into Krassi's knowing that we had nowhere near what we needed - for those of you who have been reading this blog for that long, you know that the ~$30,000 adoption was the small expenditure of that year. The big one was the large addition we put onto our house when Matt's mom decided she would live with us after her husband died. At the time, the total we needed for the adoption and the addition to the house was almost five times our yearly income.

That was an exciting ride - God used a great variety of different means to cover us, some of them obvious (gifts from people), some less so (when parts of the project were delayed by circumstances out of our control, thus giving us another month to save up a bit to pay for the next big chunk). Some were large and immediate, some were gradual (our yearly income, for example, is higher now than it was then.)

This time around, doing only an adoption, (oh, and finishing a bedroom in the basement, too!), didn't seem nearly as daunting, plus, there's nothing like having seen God provide what we needed when we needed it in the past to boost confidence that he can do it again. Still, we knew going into this adoption a year ago that the numbers still didn't all check out unless God intervened.

As we approach the end of the adoption process (which is, of course, just the beginning of life after the process!), we're seeing some more obvious ways that God is providing for our practical needs. I feel the need to post about this because I'm hoping somebody reading will be encouraged to not let fear of the unknown stop them from being obedient to whatever God is calling them (you??) to do.

Last Thursday morning we got to video message with Bogomila after the court hearing. What joy to see her happy smiling face. I am so looking forward to when she is more fluent in English and we can be a part of her great sense of humor without a translator in between! Less than three hours later the mail arrived with a unexpected check of a significant dollar amount from a person we know of, but do not know personally. The timing of this does not go un-noticed by us! It's very possible that the person sending the check was aware that Thursday was our court date, but regardless of that, I know God knew our court date AND the mail schedule for the week!

Today the mail brought another similar gift, and although the dollar amount is less than last week's, the number on the check doesn't matter so much because it's just simply another reminder that all of our needs will be supplied at just the right time.

This has nothing to do with the subject matter of this post, but a post with photos is always nice, right? Can you believe what Leah found halfway up our Christmas tree this afternoon? He sat there nicely through a few photos, and then obligingly jumped (almost) into the plastic container Matt brought to catch him in. Owen and Rinnah found him a new home...outside...and as far as we know we're back to our normal rodent-free living again.

We may have "Room for More" around here, but not, Little Mouse, for you. At least not in the house. You can make a home outside in the yard somewhere!

[September review] First visit with Bogomila

These will be mostly photos, and who knows how quickly they'll come, but hopefully they'll be a good introduction to our girls for those of you who are praying us through these last weeks apart, and then our new lifetime together!

This is our first photo of our oldest daughter! It's nothing fantastic as a photo, but it will always be special to me because it is *our* first photo with her. She adored Gloria from the very start.

And Gloria, amazingly, who at this time would not let *anyone* else hold her except me, sat happily on Bogomila's lap for a notable period of time! Bogomila just soaked it up. Those two... ;) One of my favorite parts about our Skype calls with Bogomila is seeing these two react to each other - Gloria sees Bogomila and squeals with delight (it could be that it's the only time we let her see moving digital media, but I prefer to think she sees someone she remembers and recognizes!) and Bogomila's response to Gloria's excitement is just as good to watch. I am so looking forward to when the two of them will get to see each other again!

This was our "family" shot from the end of the first day. Not knowing if we'd have a good opportunity to get photos to leave with Bogomila while we were staying in Lukovit, we wanted to be sure we had a good one when we went to Pleven, because we knew we could get pictures printed in Pleven, having done it before when we were with Krassimir.

It was at this first visit that we talked with Bogomila about names. We did not know at this point if we'd have the opportunity to communicate with her in between trip one and trip two, so we wanted to get some critical things out on the table. Matt and I had talked about a number of options, all of which depended on her opinion of the matter! We were open to her keeping her birth name as either a first name or a middle name. We were open to her middle name as well, (which Americanizes very easily), but wanted to give her at least one of her names besides her last name. She can be very decisive at times - she knew she wanted to keep Bogomila. And we like it, too. Name meanings are important to us, and Bogomila means "sweet to God" (roughly).

After learning on this first visit that Bogomila she was and Bogomila she would be, we gave her three options for a middle name, and told her to think about them over the weekend for when we saw her again on Monday.

Once again, her decisiveness came out. As soon as we asked her on our next visit, she told us, "Brianna - strong," in confident, clear English. ;) It's still one of the few English things she says to us! We love that she is so pleased with her new name from us. So that's our girl - Bogomila Brianna.

It's official!

Court is over, and we are now the proud parents of two more daughters!

We are delighted to introduce Bogomila Brianna Glewwe:

and Tsvetomira Pearl Glewwe:

We're looking at a pick up trip at the end of January, dates to be determined as we look at schedules (our own and those coming to help us out!)

These photos are from our trip in September. Now that they're legally *ours* I'm hoping to go back and share more of our memories from the trip WITH photographs!!

In the meantime, rejoice with us that these two are no longer orphans, but our very own dear oldest daughters!

A court date!!

And, just like that, we got an email this morning saying we have the court hearing for the adoption of our girls this week Thursday!!!

B will be at the court hearing because she gets to have a say in the proceedings. Our BG agency tries to make it into a special day for any child, taking them out for lunch at the big McDonalds in Sofia and celebrating their new belonging to a family!!

We don't get to be part of the celebration, but I'm so excited to next week be able to share about girls who are legally our very own daughters!!!

A whirlwind with nothing to show

It's hard to believe I haven't posted anything since the day after Thanksgiving! Partly, that's because nothing has happened.

We did not learn what our court date was going to be that following week.

Nor did we hear anything last week.

So maybe (maybe?) this week we'll hear something. And we wait.

Even the package we sent to B is waiting in customs. We knew there was a dollar value limit we needed to stay below in order to avoid customs, but we were not told about a weight limit - if we'd known, we could have easily sent this in two packages! But we didn't know, so our package is waiting, and B, who knows we tried to send her something, is also waiting. Her group home director is going to look into getting out there to pick it up, and we've emailed with our agency over there to see if there's anything we can do to help it along, but at the moment, it's stuck - has been for nine days!

No eye has seen a God besides you who acts for those who wait for him.

Waiting for him, by necessity, kind of means having to, well, wait! He does the acting; we do the waiting.

In the meantime, time feels like it's flying by at a crazy pace. We still haven't done anything else in the basement bedroom for the boys (besides some more cleaning out of stuff!) and at this rate are thinking we'll ask my dad to help Matt cut the hole in the concrete for the egress windows when they're up for Christmas.

So there you go - it's an update, but doesn't really tell you anything more than my silence has for the last two and a half weeks. ;)

Natural/Unnatural

They always say that having children teaches you many things.

Over the last few weeks I've been trying to articulate, mostly to Matt, because he's available (and just a good person to talk to!) something I've been becoming increasingly aware of. And it's something that isn't going to come across very well, but I believe is important to get out — you just have to promise me you'll either quit reading here or else read the whole post.

 

There is something so automatic, so natural, about the emotions that well up inside of a mother when she looks at her children. I *love* these little people so much!

Owen - the one who made me a mother!

Little Leah

Reuben Matthew - look, a son! a gift from God

Beautiful Rinnah - so much hair!

And she gets a second one - I l-o-v-e this look, which I call the milk-induced-coma.

Tiny Evania within minutes of her birth. Holding her I knew I would do this again in a heartbeat.

So, apparently, I did. Twenty-one months later, here's Gloria. Pudgy, wrinkly, yummy Gloria.

There is something so very natural about the love that a mother has for her newborn baby. It is very instinctual – without even thinking, all of the snuzzly, wuzzly kisses and sweet talk and unquestioned devotion just naturally spring up as you first hold that wet, wiggly bundle of new life. For that matter, that love begins even before the baby is born as mommy talks to, carresses, and dreams about the little one growing inside of her.

Having both biological and adopted children, and in particular, a brand new baby fresh on the heels of the arrival of an adopted child (Evania was born almost 6 months to the day after Krassimir came home), has made me realize that as much as my gut reaction is to want to say otherwise, I love these children in different ways.

Before you start thinking this is a bad thing, take a look at this young man.

c. 1996

My love for him is not based on any sort of genetic connection (beyond the fact that we're both of German descent. But that's not why I love him.) Rather, I made a choice, and followed that up with a very solemn promise that is legally binding that he and I belong together now.

While the love that I have for Krassimir may not be “natural,” it is very real, and growing, and deep and in many ways intentional in a way that is different from that of my other six children. But looking at him does not elicit the same warm-fuzzy feelings that I get from the children who have been mine from the beginning.

This picture is just oozing with warm-fuzzies to me!

And I think that last statement holds the biggest clue to where the core of this issue lies. How often do we confuse love with feelings?

I'd started writing this entry you're reading now back in July, but I realized the beginning of it began over two years ago with something I started writing right after Evania was born and I was basking in the post-pregnancy hormonal glow of a perfect tiny pudgy baby of mine a mere six months after bringing Krassimir home as mine. Some of those thoughts have been folded into the writing here.

When I started thinking and writing about this in July I realized, in a rather stupid sense, that I really didn't have a clue what love was!! This hung me up for a while.

I was talking with a friend a few years ago about the fickle nature of love. Even our best and most loving actions may suddenly seem to turn and become something else. I see this in the way I relate to my whole family, but perhaps more clearly with Krassi. There are times when, for example, I am feeding him, or changing him, or just watching him play on the floor that I will find myself being irritated with his little habits (mouthing the floor, bending his left pinky finger back so far it touches his wrist, things like that). My irritation does not spring from love for him, but love for myself, and a desire for him to be so satisfied with his life here that he doesn’t feel the need to revert back to the old stimming behaviors that were his sole occupation for so many lonely years of his life. There are absolutely times, yes, when my re-directing of him is based out of love and concern for him (if left to self-regulate, he will wipe his right index finger on whatever surface is nearby and lick it - wipe-lick, wipe-lick, wipe-lick – until it’s deeply cracked and bleeding and takes weeks or more of care to help it heal). But there are also times when my response to these behaviors is not Krassi-motivated, but ME-motivated.

It takes a conscious effort to love my Krassimir.

Playing outside together with water balloons this past summer.

And then one night, working my way through 1 Corinthians, I stumbled upon chapter 13. Okay – anyone here who knows their Bible, and probably even those of you who don’t really know it well know that 1 Corinthians 13 is “The Love Chapter.” Seriously – I was in 1 Corinthians already as I was mulling this “what is love?” question over and over in my head, and didn’t think of it until I opened up my Bible one night and there it was!!!

What is love?

Love is patient. Patient. Yikes. Why does it have to start with that!!?

Love is kind. Kind is such a “ho-hum” sort of word. Nothing dramatic or exciting, nothing extreme or showy. Just “kind.” But that’s what love is. Love is kind.

At this point, I decided I’d probably read enough to keep me thinking for a good while!

Patience. Kindness. These are not responses that always come “naturally.” It’s pretty easy to be patient with a sweetly sleeping baby, or a cute-as-a-button toddler, but I’m guessing I’m not the only mother out there who has been less than patient when that baby is up after only a 10 minute nap, or up for the third time in the night, or when that toddler is standing stubbornly in a puddle on the floor with dirty underpants RIGHT next to the potty chair she refuses to sit on.

As I mulled over this, there was a sudden flip-flop in my mind. I do love some of my children better than I do others. And it is Krassimir that is likely the one I am the best at loving, because when I am patient and kind with him it is NOT stemming from my self-serving pride-filled estimations of the little human beings I had a role in producing (as adorable as they may be!) but rather is coming from something much closer to what love really is. That realization is a rather sobering one, and one that leaves me with a lot of room to grow in my love for every single one of them.

The thing that comes naturally to us is not really love, but is really a round-about form of self-love, something that only cares about what that little person makes me feel, rather than something self-sacrificial that truly puts the other one above myself.

In these months as we’ve been working to bring our girls home, I’m realizing how very much more I still have to learn about what love is.

What I know for certain is that love is a choice, and that it springs from trust and obedience to the One who IS love.

Oh God, would you teach me to love!!

Little T

Today is our little T's 11th birthday. She, unlike B, will not know that we're all thinking about her today. She will spend it like any other day.

Halfway across the world, however, she's got a family who's thinking about her today, and who will be singing "Happy Birthday" to her, and next year, she won't be any more aware of it being her birthday, but she WILL be here with us, and hopefully aware that she's surrounded by people who love her.

Happy Birthday, tiny daughter! We're coming for you!!!

~~~

We learned this morning that it's *possible* we could get a court date next week. I'm not clear if that's an actual court hearing next week, or if we'll learn next week what our court date will be, but either way, it's a tidbit of progress!

***Got clarification - we could get our court date SET next week, hoping for sometime in December for the court hearing to happen. Funny how it all works out. Remember back when we thought it was kind of crazy adopting when we were weeks away from expecting a baby? Well, looks like this little one will be able to be weaned before the pick up trip. Gloria will be a year old on January 12th. Wow.

"All prisons of cultivation"

It has been really neat to be able to be in touch regularly with B while we wait. We did not get to do that with Krassimir, and do not with T, but we write weekly letters to B, including a page or two of photos, and every other week or so we get to Skype for 45 minutes, with someone from our Bulgarian agency as a translator. We've done this enough times now that both Matt and I commented after the last one that we're noticing a growing comfort level from her and on our part - how wonderful to be able to be building that NOW gradually so that when she actually comes home, she'll feel that much more a part of us and our lives, and we a part of hers.

There still remains, however, a significant language barrier. We have NO communication that doesn't go through our translator (besides basic greetings, and "I love you!" which we know how to say in Bulgarian.)

We don't have that luxury with our letters, so we're taking advantage of google translate. It sure is fast! The accuracy...well, we're hoping it's not TOO bad! We've been told that with simple sentences, google translate does a pretty good job. Sometimes I'll check a paragraph that I've translated from English to Bulgarian by translating it back into English, and most of the time I'm satisfied that at least the general gist is there. I figure if I can mostly understand it doubly translated, it's probably slightly better with only one pass.

Then came this week. ;)

Backing up. We knew we wanted to send one "big" package to B during the time she was waiting for us, and decided that Christmas was the time to do it. Around here, we (as parents) don't give a lot of gifts to our children (who needs more stuff around???) but we always make a rather big deal about treats in their stockings, which we hang on the night of December 5th to open on St. Nick's Day, December 6th.

Way back I posted about making Krassimir's stocking. Now, with B and T, the series that I've been cross stitching is no longer big enough for our whole family - there are only nine stocking in the series! Just enough for the kids, if we pick the names out of mine and Matt's. (Reuben's and Rinnah's stockings used to be my parents' stockings - my mom made them at the same time I made mine back when I was fourteen.)

Before

After! (Her whole name is obviously under there, but a little bit of Photoshop takes care of making it blog-worthy!)

 Oh, we had fun putting this box together! The kids and I baked three different kinds of cookies, packing up enough for B to share with the other people who live in her group home. 

We picked out some candy, and fancy lip balm, and a toothbrush and mini toothpaste (because that's just what you do in my family!) to put into the stocking, AND we each wrapped up a little gift - mostly candy, a pair of silly socks) and put those into a bag marked "не отваряйте, докато 25 дек". (Do not open until December 25th!)

And I wrote a letter, trying to explain all of the things I'd included. I decided to do my double check re-translate trick just to make sure things sounded okay. This is what I got for the second paragraph.

"In our house, we celebrate the "day of St. Nicholas" on 6 December. On the night of the 5th, all prisons of cultivation. [what???? what in the world is this supposed to mean???] I made one for each person in our family. [Yikes! I don't think that helps anything!] That, in this field now belongs to you. [lucky girl!] I did it for myself in 1993 when I was fourteen years old! Is is special for me to be able to take my name and put in your name. B........ - oldest daughter to me!"

Needless to say, I reworded that paragraph, and it came out much better. Simplify, simplify, simplify!!

So, if you ever wonder if your family's holiday traditions are a little...unconventional...don't worry - I'm sure they're not as out there as our all prisons of cultivation!!

Everything we need

We got a phone call today from our neighbors who live behind us. Owen's good friends with their youngest son.

He was almost apologetic, noting that it was kind of a unusual thing, but he asked if we would have any need for two twin mattresses for the girls.

Whoa.

Remember how a mattress for B was specifically one of the things that we had told the kids (and anyone reading this) that we were waiting for? Our neighbor did not know that. ;) But God certainly did.

What I did NOT share on the blog the first time was that earlier that week Owen and I had been in the basement pacing out some of the layout of his and Krassi's new bedroom. He's hoping to create a bed in the space under the basement stairs, but really wants to keep his bunk bed so he has an extra space if he has friends sleep over. (Krassi's in the bottom bunk - the upper bunk would be open.) I told him we were already short a mattress for B, and we were NOT planning to purchase a mattress just for sleepovers. I also shared with him at that time that Daddy and I were counting on God to provide the mattress we needed for B, and it was the right thing for us to do to tell God that we wanted (not needed!) another one for Owen's room, too.

It delights me that not only did God give us two mattresses, but he gave us two at the same time, to make it obvious to us that he heard our request, and decided to not only give us what we needed, but what we wanted as well.

God is so good.

A plan

I've been emailing and talking over the phone this week with a representative from Gillette Children's Specialty Healthcare (where both Reuben and Krassimir are seen) making plans for caring for T when she gets home. (We'll need to do the same for B, but her needs are less critical and much more straightforward!)

I've been able to forward medical records, and pictures from our visit with her so she can be sharing them with the doctor who will be coordinating T's care. He was able to make a general road map for the different priorities he'll have once she arrives home, and we've got five appointments on the calendar (most of them with multiple specialties at each visit to minimize our trips) already! There are other appointments we already know she'll need, but don't have on the calendar yet.

They understand that with international adoption we don't really know when the girls will be coming home, so all of the appointments are subject to change, but it's kind of exciting to, with the help of our US agency, be setting a date by which we hope they're home! The first appointment is set for February 24th...only time will tell if that has any intersection with reality. ;)

The woman I was speaking with has had some experience with international mission work, and tangentially with other adoptive families, and has been able to recommend, from the care side of things, some ideas that I hadn't thought of on my own, such as getting a letter from our primary doctor ahead of time saying that we will be transporting "medically necessary" equipment and medications with us when we bring T home, which should hopefully help ease some of our transitions through security check points!

Nothing else of note, except that we've been told that the Article 5 interviews this past Tuesday went well.

Construction tidbit

After having done nothing towards finishing the lower level bedroom that will be Owen and Krassimir's when B takes over their main level bedroom (besides some incidental cleaning out of stuff that's currently in that room), today brought some excitement as the windows were delivered!

2:30 Time

One of the things the kids like best about our new 2:30 Time is when it involves a snack. Today Daddy was gone (which is unusual), so just the five oldest and I gathered together for a few minutes. Owen offered to share his candy corn, which we all enjoyed, but the BEST part was that Krassi enjoyed his, too! He ate the whole first piece (in three little bites that I brought to his molars with the same, "One, two, three, open!" that we and his therapist use when prompting him to try solid foods), and actually asked (by signing) for more!!!

That boy and food.

If I'm ever tempted to forget what his life was like in the routine every-day-ness of what his and our life is now, together, there is a regular reminder three times a day when we eat that there is something just not right with the picture.

I wish I didn't have to be so excited about a 12 year old enjoying a piece of candy corn! But I am, and I'm glad that he is. Who knows...maybe someday he could learn to enjoy this necessary part of life.

100,000 miles

It's appropriate that Big Blue passed this major milestone (100,000 miles on that lovely deisel engine!) not just on any old mundane trip, but on our once-every-few-years excursion to the North Shore of Lake Superior.

The last time we took this trip, we were a little family of six. ;)

The Glewwes in 2012

This time we traveled as a family of ten!

The Glewwes in 2016

We stayed at the same hotel we did last time - a cute place where the rooms are in (finished) old train boxcars. We had the biggest room they offer - a king size two-room suite. With three roll-away cots, a pull out bed, a few in our bed, and some chair cushions on the floor for Evania, we had just enough room for everyone.

The weather is a little unpredictable this time of year, but for that very reason the hotel rates (and other costs, too!) drop this week, and going during the week and not on the weekend also afforded us a second night at half price. Yay!!! (That also helps make a trip like this affordable in the middle of an adoption!) Then, pack lots of bread, apples, cheese sticks (and a jar of Nutella to make it extra special) so we don't have to go to restaurants, and we're pretty well set for a family vacation.

There are times when having a larger family, and one that includes members who have physical and other challenges can put limits on what we can do, but there are lots of things we can do, so do them we do!

Our first day up we stopped at Gooseberry Falls. I am always in awe of the rocks. They're almost more spectacular to me than the waterfalls!

Daddy helping Reuben navigate a fallen log to get to the outcropping where Owen waits, cheering them on.

Rinnah couldn't quite handle the crossing, so she stayed on the side leaping over little tributaries.

 While we were here, we almost always had a death grip on Reuben and Evania. Gloria got to spend lots of time napping and otherwise in the carrier!

Amazing landscape

This isn't exactly Krassi's idea of fun, but he DOES love to smile for photos!

Owen's way out there exploring.

Reuben's reaching for a rock to throw. It's an unstoppable urge for him whenever he sees a body of water. Thankfully there was no shortage of rock for throwing here!

We were always thinking of our girls. Here, there are two ways to get back up from the Falls. One is a long stair case; the other is a zig-zagging ramp. "Wouldn't it be fun to bring B here sometime?"

The second (and only full) day of our trip we started at Split Rock Lighthouse. Our favorite part is less about the lighthouse and more just the spectacular rocky shore line.

After following the trail down, down, down to the shoreline, we left Krassi's wheelchair behind by a little shack and didn't come back for it for a few hours.

Reuben, with the lighthouse in the background.

Evania, ever serious, was, as is typical for her, terrified when we first saw (and heard!) the water (it really is quite loud with the waves crashing in on the rocks!) but she quickly found her element, and began marching seriously around on the rocks, with a firm grip on someone's hand!

Krassi's photo with the light house. We like to email photos of what he's up to over the weekends to his teachers at school so he has something to share with his class during "morning meeting." It's important to me that his classmates have a mental picture of him that includes regular and exciting experiences just like they enjoy!

There is endless fascination in throwing rocks.

There is something so very attractive to me about that man that I married, particularly when he's hiking through rugged terrain with my oldest son in his arms.

With some guidance and coaching from Dad and Owen, Reuben was able to do some real-life rock climbing - not just one of those fake things on the playground, but the real deal!

Rinnah was fascinated by this large piece of water-worn driftwood.

Further down the shore (we hiked probably a strong half mile down the shoreline away from the light house), there was a place where a multitude of dark, tumbled rocks covered the beach (much of the edge is comprised of monstrous rocks), and Reuben found himself a place right on the edge that was safe enough for us to let him sit without a hand for a while. I think if he'd had his Bible spread open in his lap he would have been surpremely happy. As it was, it's a good thing he didn't, because a moment after this photo was taken a larger than average wave crashed up and filled his lap with water!! Thankfully it wasn't TOO cold!

Beautiful little treasures hidden between the rocks.

More hiking.

We hiked back up the trail and waited by this rock while Daddy and Owen ran back down the spur that led to where we'd left Krassi's chair.

This photo also really makes me think of B. Wouldn't it be great to see HER face back there with the rest of them?

We are working on slowing building up a collection of bumper stickers for Big Blue, just like it had when we first bought it (but had to have removed when we had the rust removal done). Owen gave us an early family Christmas present that he picked up on our trip...

We'll have to see how many places this vehicle gets to over its next 100,000 miles!

~~~~~~~

Just for fun, here are a few shots of Big Blue that we took before we bought it...Big Blue is no stranger to the North Shore!