It's official

Krassimir Emmanuel Glewwe received his Certificate of Citizenship today. Although he's been a citizen since we landed on October 19th, he now has the paperwork to prove it!

Funny detail - because they know that children's heights tend to change, they put the height of a child at an approximate level based on age. That puts Krassi's real height a full 14 inches shorter than what he's recorded at on his certificate.

Wonder if he'll ever be that tall!

[checked in with our adoption agency who said this kind of discrepancy is not an issue, but it does kind of make you wonder!]

Guess who...

...sat contentedly on his mama's lap on the couch for nearly an hour?

Yep - Krassimir! (Wish I had a picture, but at the same time, don't like thinking I need to call for the camera for everything noteworthy!)

I'm not going to jump to any amazing conclusions, but will rest happily in the fact that we spent some voluntary close time today, and we'll call it good at that. ;)

"not willing"

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing!"

We're still in the thick of it with the flu around here. Last night around midnight Matt and I woke to the sound of crying, and very quickly realized it was Krassi. We usually don't hear anything from him during the night, so we knew things were not normal. Matt got to him before I did (he was still feeling better than I was, in addition to the fact that he's not pregnant so he can get up and moving quicker in the night than I can anyway!) and although he had calmed slightly by the time I got to them, he was still clearly very agitated, very uncomfortable, and not breathing very well. We decided to set me up on the couch to hold him upright to give him a better chance to breathe more comfortably, sending Matt back upstairs with the cell phone so I could call him if I needed (my voice was too hoarse to be heard out of the room, much less up the stairs!) so he could monitor Reuben for seizures.

It took Krassi about an hour and a half to calm enough to fall asleep, but once again, I got to hold my "baby" while he slept. From 2am until 6am he and I dozed on and off together on the couch, with a short visit from Matt at 4am to see how we were doing. 

It was during that interlude that Matt shared how Jesus' words above (recorded in both Matthew and Luke) were very ringing in his head as he watched little Krassi in my arms. 

Krassi does not welcome physical affection. Being held and snuggled, something that all four of our other children are still seeking out every day in some form, is something that is so foreign to him that it often appears to be more distressing to him than being left alone. 

Every time this sick, feverish, achy little boy surfaced in my arms that night, he would use every bit of his (minimal) strength to push me away, pulling his arm out from where I had it tucked behind my back to snuggle him close and support him, and pushing that hand against my chest as he reached to grab for something - anything - with his far hand. 

Where do you think you're going, little boy of mine? You want so badly to do this all by yourself, to be independent, but where is it going to get you? If I let you have your way, and release my hold on you, you will "all by yourself" fall headfirst off the couch onto the hard floor, very likely breaking at least some of your fragile bones in the process. Even if you don't break anything, dear boy, all you will succeed in doing is making yourself bruised, cold, and alone. And horizontal again, making your breathing even more labored. Dear Krassi, where do you think you're going to go all by yourself? "I don't need you, mom!"

This is one of those moments when being a parent makes the word pictures in the Bible come vividly to life. We are so ready to fill him up with all of the love and affection of a mother and father for their son, but he is not willing to receive it. But that doesn't have to make us stop trying. ;)

Sorry, little boy, you have a mommy and a daddy now, and you do not have to do this on your own!

By 6am I was not happy with the direction of the pattern of his breathing, so after a short consult with our clinic's on-call doctor and a call up to Matt's phone (which coincided with Reuben's third seizure of the night, so it took him a few minutes to get down!) we decided that a trip to the ER just to be sure Krassi's lungs were doing alright was a wise move. [FYI - getting to the ER between 6am and 7am is highly recommended. In my still rather limited experience, I have NEVER had to wait more than a few minutes to be seen when I arrive with a child at that time of day! So, next time you plan an emergency, now you know...] The doc's opinion was croup - nothing deep down - so gave him a single-dose steroid for comfort, and said the best thing for Krassi was spending a few minutes here and there out breathing cold air. ;) We've got plenty of that around here these days! (For those of you who aren't from MN, we've had school closings again for high temps below zero.)

So we got to go home, and were back by 8:30am, and I was beat, so spent my third day in a row on the couch. Matt was down, too, as was Leah. Owen spent most of the day on a couch in his jammies, too, but also managed to pour cereal and milk for the younger kids and bring water and tissues to me and Matt as needed. I only got up to feed Krassi and change diapers.

And all of this is a rather round about way to get to sharing with you another really special photo (taken by Owen, since Matt and I were both down!)

Look who fell asleep snuggled up with Dad! Again, this mostly shows you how very very wiped out Krassi is, and would be very misleading to suggest that he did this because he wanted it, or liked it, but he was whimpering a little on the floor, and showing signs of being very drowsy, so Matt dragged himself off the couch, grabbed his boy, and laid down, and very quickly they were both asleep.

I know it doesn't count in the same way that Krassi choosing this as a form of comfort would, but I've got to think that there's some level of awareness even while we sleep that has to give this boy just a hint of what it is to be snuggled up on Daddy's chest, listening to the comforting sound of Daddy's big strong heart beating. 

We'll take these times however they come. It will take a long time to overcome a nine-year lifetime of other patterns of comfort and soothing, but I'm still hoping that someday Krassi will be willing to take comfort in our arms.

And the work before us is to simply keep holding out that offer to him.

One (and only one) upside to the flu

Leah started it Tuesday night feeling not hungry and just a little off, and woke Wednesday with a high fever and no other symptoms that kept her in bed for the whole day. Same thing Thursday - no symptoms other than the fever. I, however, was starting to get a little achy at the shoulders.

It all went downhill from there. By supper time Thursday, Owen and Rinnah were also pretty down in the dumps, and I could tell this was no little thing for me. Friday the four of us spent the whole day doing some variation of this:

Reuben took a very long nap, but showed no other signs of being sick. Krassi was going strong all day. We're not big flu-shot people, and were beginning to wonder if that's why Krassi and Grandma were fine while many of the rest of us were down. (One sweet anecdote from Friday afternoon - Matt was still trying to get his drafting work done while we all laid around, so he shut the doors to keep Krassi in the rooms we were in and went downstairs. Krassi was okay with this to a point, and then started just whimpering - I think he was lonely! Owen called for Daddy to come up (my voice was too shot to get enough volume) and he came up for a laundry folding break - Krassi was giggling with delight the whole time Daddy was up here keeping him company! Apparently a mom and siblings sleeping on couches just doesn't cut it!)

Saturday morning Rin and Owen were a bit perkier. Leah seemed better, too, but still spent the day on the couch in her jammies. And Krassi was starting to cough...and we found out Grandma had it too (so much for flu shots!) By the afternoon, Krassi was showing more signs - the fever, more whimpering, even though the company wasn't as lonely as it had been Friday. My typical response to him whimpering is that even though he does not appreciate snuggles from mom, now that he's home and has a family he doesn't get to be sad by himself. If he's going to be unhappy, he'll do it with me! As is usual, he was not too into being close to me, but was tired enough that I was relatively soon rewarded with this:

For a little guy who still fights physical closeness for all he's worth, this was pretty precious. Here's my little nine year old boy for the very first time in his life having someone hold him when he's sick! And to make it even better, when he woke up about 45 minutes later and Reuben climbed up next to us, Krassi was fairly content to stick around for a while. Reuben on Krassi on Baby on Mom!

So although I wouldn't recommend the flu, this particular run brought some pleasant side-effects. Now I'm off to bed, yes, still wearing the same clothes I've been wearing since Friday morning ;) hoping that by tomorrow I'm better enough to cover for Matt because we're guessing from the signs this afternoon that he's next.

Good news on Krassi

After two days without internet, I can finally update all of you on the good news we got on Monday...

Krassi is finally gaining some weight!!! Since his peak weight three weeks after coming home of 32 pounds, 7 ounces, he has been slowly losing weight, despite great efforts on our part to counter the decline. I had been really excited for his visit to Gillette on January 8th, expecting to see results of the week and a half that we'd been following the directives from the nutritionist we had seen, and were disappointed to see him at his lowest yet since the peak - 31 pounds, 1 ounce. But, on Monday, twelve days later, on the very same scale, Krassi weighed in at a whopping 33 pounds, 12 ounces! I still can't quite believe it, especially since we'd had a run of really bad eating days from him from last Thursday on, but at the moment I don't really know what to do except go with it! I definitely see Krassi as being capable physically of someday being able to do at least some self-feeding, so knowing that the steady drop has, at least for the moment, stopped, means that my thoughts of having to move to a g-tube and potentially losing what he's capable of taking in by mouth are greatly diminished.

Tomorrow I will take Krassi for a video swallow study where we will learn more about the mechanics of his food-handling skills. This will be a helpful starting point for introducing a speech therapist into his T/Th therapy routine. (At this point we're less expecting "speech" therapy, and more looking for feeding therapy, but as we've learned through Reuben, the two are very interconnected.)

Monday's doctor visit, at which we got the good news about his weight, was to meet again with the orthopedic surgeon regarding the results of the pelvic MRI that was done in early December. I've been apprehensive about the results of this appointment, knowing that we would either find out that he is or is not able to have the surgery to replace his dislocated hips, and if he is then we are faced with the decision: do we, or do we not? And when? Doing the surgery would require putting him on muscle relaxants which would greatly diminish his abilities in all other areas (but would prevent his imbalance of muscle tone from pulling the hips right back out of joint!) But doing the surgery will also greatly increase his self-mobility, especially as he gains weight. Right now when he bears weight, there is no bone-to-bone connection from his upper to his lower body - his upper body (pelvis and higher) is essentially resting on a muscle and tendon sling suspended from his femurs. [NOTE: I sure hope nobody who really knows their human anatomy is reading this because I'm sure I've got this all wrong, but if you consider it more as a word picture than actual precise information, it will suffice!] On the other hand, the surgery itself would be a painful and potentially traumatic situation (how in the world would I prepare him for something like this?!) at a point in his life when he's still dealing with the stress of simply living in a caring home environment! And additionally, if done soon, would coincide with a decrease in my ability to be as directly involved in his care as Baby arrives...There is no easy good decision.

So we were very grateful to hear that the decision was made for us. In the words of the very adept (so we've heard) surgeon we were consulting with, he would be "scared to do the surgery" to relocate Krassi's hips. This statement was made based on his own observations of the MRI as well as conversations he had with his collegues, and from what he was able to show us in the MRI, we were in full agreement. As painful as dislocated hips sound, the option of putting them back in would almost certainly cause more pain than the current situation does.

So Krassi will likely never be a full-time walker.

But we're good with that. We brought him home knowing that the "best" options were no longer available for this boy, but knowing that whatever options he does have here are absolutely, without a doubt, better than six and a half years from now being transferred to an adult mental institution where he would have been bed-ridden for the rest of his life. Alone. Even if he were to be bedridden here (which we're NOT expecting!) he would be bed-ridden at home with his family. And we are so grateful that we get to be that family.

Lots to do tonight, so that's all you get. I really need to update on the house progress, and have other thoughts to share as well, but tonight it's not going to happen!!

Krassi, the athlete

This boy loves to play "catch." He got a small soccer ball from Matt's mom (selected by Matt's brother) in his Christmas stocking, and it's a great size for him. He and I were batting/kicking it back and forth this afternoon while I was washing the dishes.

Just a reminder that in the midst of struggles (with pretty significant implications!) surrounding eating and weight gain/loss, that there are still times like this when Krassi is enjoying himself in ways that were simply not possible while he was still living in his orphanage!

[there is supposed to be a video here, but for 

some reason I keep getting an error in 

uploading. Maybe tomorrow...Okay. No luck
today, either, so I'm going to assume it's because
my video is too big, so will try just putting it up
directly via our website and see if that works. If
you're ambitious (it took about an hour to upload
the file - its a minute long video) and want to see it,
go to this link here.]

P.S. I enjoyed comparing tonight's post with this one from just a few weeks after he was home. First of all, he's a lot stronger now than he was. Secondly, please notice how all of the older photos show Krassi in the same location. Today when we played, he was all over the kitchen, starting at the doorway just off the photo to your right, then pulling himself to a location behind where I am while taking the photo to chase the ball, and at another point all the way into the living room doorway on the left of the photo. He doesn't move quickly but he's really getting around.

More than Krassi can handle ;)

I've written earlier this year about how I believe the idea that God does give us more than we can handle is both a Biblical concept, and also a very healthy one personally. First of all, if it's true, which I believe there is plenty of evidence to back up, then it doesn't really matter how it affects me personally! ;) But the personal effect is a good one - I hear more than I would like variations on "God must know you're strong enough to handle this," or one I like even less, "You're a saint," both suggesting that there's something about who we are that makes adding Krassi to our family something that we would consider possible. That is so very far from the truth! Knowing how very inadequate I am (and we are) is a very significant piece of why we are here. I can't imagine feeling sufficient for the job of loving a little child who has been so severely mistreated, and shaped by that mistreatment to the point that I can not get inside of his head and really understand what he is going through, even now because the lenses through which he views and understands his world are so incredibly different from mine, and many times are even beyond my imagination. But I don't have to be sufficient/capable/adequate in myself - I just need to be obedient and daily be reminded that my God will supply all my needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. It is good to be reminded of this on a daily (hourly!) basis, but it doesn't at all negate the fact that this is hard.

This post, as I began it in the title, was intended to be more lighthearted, so I'll stick a little bit of that in here, too. ;) This is part of how Krassi spent his afternoon today!

Rinnah: Krassi likes this!

Krassi: go away, Rinnah!

"Oh no! There's another one!"

"Well, maybe this isn't so bad..."

[Rinnah moves a little further away] [Krassi can't decide if this is great fun, or WAY more physical contact that he can handle.]

"Well, maybe this is okay."

"But at the same time, this is a little more closeness than I can handle."

"Maybe if I shove just a little harder..." (Rinnah: Waaahh!! Mom: I told you I didn't think he really likes that! Rinnah: Krassi does like it!) And for all I know, that little Rinnah may be on to something.

Krassi's got more going on than he can handle, too. Does he like this? Does he not like it? Does he even know himself?? As he settles in here and gets more accustomed to every day life as part of a family, we're also seeing stronger reactions from him. Eating, in particular, has been becoming increasingly difficult, largely because it's becoming increasingly distressful for him. Some meals are better than others. At some, he will take one bite, and be resistant to anything more. Tonight at supper things dissolved rather quickly into inconsolable tears that did not resolve until Daddy came over to wipe him off and take him out of the chair at which point the tears turned quickly into a fit of giggles. (Daddy's reading over my shoulder and pointed out that Reuben was actually the one who stopped the tears by coming over and giving Krassi his precious blue blanket as a gesture of sympathy. I don't know that Krassi was so comforted by the blanket as much as the unexpected situation caught him off guard and thus shifted his mood. Regardless, the tears stopped!) Sometimes we can get through a whole meal with him relatively cooperatively opening his mouth for the incoming spoon 80% of the time.

Our best understanding is that Krassi's difficulties with eating are not primarily physical, but are rooted more deeply in memories and associations that he has between eating and trauma. Every meal I am well aware of my inability to "fix" this situation. If I feed him, he is distressed. If I don't feed him, he will most certainly not gain weight. As it is, we already have not succeeded in preventing him from losing a few ounces every week, and in a 31 pound nine year old, we can't just keep losing a few ounces every week!

These times are tough. And what I hold onto as we walk through them is not the reassurance that the fact that I'm in this situation is proof that God things I'm smart enough/strong enough/whatever enough to handle it, but rather that HE has brought us here, and as we seek to obey him, HE will be enough.

Life on the edge

We've taken a few opportunities to watch how Krassi handles various un-safe situations as a way to gauge what his abilities are in this area, and have been pleasantly surprised by how he handles stairs. He is very curious about "down" stairs (not so much up...yet. I think Lori (his PT) is hoping to get him more interested sooner rather than later!), but also has a very appropriate sense of caution. He likes to be right on the edge, and will reach with his arms, but has never once (over the two occasions he's had!) done anything that made us remotely nervous about his safety. Not that we'll give him free reign yet, but it is good to get a sense of his response and give him chances to develop his skills because in the addition there is no way (beyond a gate) to close off the stairs going down...

He still loves the thrill of something "new." The cat door (on the right) was a great attraction for him, too. Once again I was amazed by his problem-solving skills as he managed to get Mr. D's tail stuck in the swinging door so when he grabbed Mr. D the whole door came with. Right away he put the mouse down, pushed the cat door open with his hand, and the tail fell out and he could do what he pleased with Mr. D again. Smart boy!

This photo provides you a tour of our entire family entry. ;) It's a little small for seven, going on nine (Baby and Grandma) people! Just outside of the view on the left is the stair going down the rest of the way to the basement. We may need to address this someday! But the addition has to get done, first.

And that's a very cursory, inadequate update on how we're doing, but will suffice for tonight because Matt just finished up the project he had to get done for work tonight, so it's time to get some sleep!

Orphanage donation

A long time later, I have news to follow up with the donation for Krassi's orphanage that a number of you contributed to. It was very exciting to have a total of $830 to give to the orphanage!! Our original intention (because at the time it was the area of greatest need) was to purchase the special formula that is used for the children who are unable to eat regular food but still are in need of good nutrition.

With the passage of time due to various logistics, the donation has just recently arrived, and the director has identified a new need that our donation is a great fit for: new "safe" beds for some of the older children with disabilities. One reason that I am really excited about this change is that the reason these children need new beds is that they no longer fit comfortably in their cribs! It has been so exciting for me to not only watch how other orphanage mates of Krassi's who have been brought into families are growing and developing, but also how the positive changes at his orphanage are benefiting the children who are still there. (Many of them are not eligible to be adopted, either because they still have family members who have not signed over custody, or for some children apparently, simply the fact that their actual date of birth is unknown prevents them from ever having the chance to have a family.)

I've been in touch with a few of you about this change, but wanted the rest of you who helped (and those who didn't, too, because it's good news either way!) to know how that ended up.

Things are moving again!

After two weeks with a total of ~4 hours of time spent working on the addition, we finally got a WHOLE afternoon that Matt could devote to working on the addition! Today was a particularly fun day because not only did he finally have time to actually work on it (knowing we have a 12.5 week deadline until Baby is due to arrive in early April, and really really wanting his mom in and settled ahead of that makes not being able to work on it that much harder!) but *I* got to go out and help a bit, and over the course of the day, every one of the kids spent some time out in the addition as well!

First thing Matt did was add a few more fasteners to the under-subfloor radiant heat tubing for the upper level. (The basement and main level are embedded in the concrete finish floor. The upper level will have wood floor, so the tubes are installed under the subfloor.)

 Owen did some vacuuming to tidy up a bit after the mess of insulating (does that feel better!!)...

 

...and this is what Rinnah, who doesn't like noise, thought about the whole deal.

This was right before she gave up and came in.

 Reuben, as usual, quickly found his plastic hammer and was busy going "bum bum" (in his words). I love the enthusiasm in this photo!

 A little later I went out with Krassi (getting through the window which is still our main access point from the existing house to the addition with a 27+ week pregnant belly and a 31 pound nine year old was rather exciting!) to check in on how Matt was doing. Our plan for today was that he would weld all of the PVC drain lines that he could do single handedly getting things ready for after the kids were in bed when he and I would come out and work by flashlight (or work lamp) to get the pieces that need two sets of hands. This isn't the greatest photo, but that's Krassi's head as he sits on my lap watching Daddy.

 As he and I went back into the house, Reuben decided he wanted to go out again, so on went his shoes, and up we went to find Daddy. He is so pleased with himself - I think he will miss the work when this thing is finally finished!

 Owen, my little monkey, and self-declared danger seeker (within his own carefully defined limits) loves being able to climb around. Here he is inside the main plumbing and mechanical chase on the main level. I am standing on the floor looking up as I take this photo.

 And after Rin laid down for her nap, Reuben asked to take one, too, so I was free to help Matt while it was still daylight! Because it's warm enough in the addition, we can leave the window between it and the house open, so with Krassi on the floor just inside the window, and me about 10 feet away where I could still hear him and touch in with him, I was able to help Matt brainstorm the geometry of the drain lines that were not yet dry fitted, and also help him eye up alignments as he was welding the PVC together. If you look closely, you can see not only Matt on the ladder on the left getting the pipe in place, but also Owen up in his little perch on the other side. ;)

During this time Leah was keeping Krassi company, but she was ready to come and be with us so we gave Krassi his first taste of the new addition. We have these nice padded foam mats that we thought would give him a nice place to play as well as keep him a little warmer (we have the heat on in the addition, but only around 50 degrees, so the floors aren't nice and warm like they will be when we're running it for real!) In typical Krassi fashion, he was not content to stay on the nice cozy place, but wanted to be off in his own place of choice - the bare dusty concrete. ;)

Owen and Leah stayed busy stripping leftover bits of copper wire to bring to the recycling center.

After nearly two weeks of nearly nothing happening, it was so good to have an afternoon of such good progress! I think if Matt and I can get out there once more we can get the rest of the main drain line down to the basement and into the existing house, and I think that means we could get our mechanical and plumbing rough-in inspections done sometime this week, freeing us to just work, work, work towards finishing the areas that need to be finished for Matt's mom.

Good times

After a short stretch of rougher days, today has been a truly delightful day for Krassi. We've seen this pattern repeating quite a few times since he's been home. We'll have a really good week, and then a week that's much rougher for him, followed by a few days where he's obviously fully relaxed and enjoying himself, and then another stretch of days that are challenging for him.

Last night Daddy was home with just his oldest and youngest (Krassi and Rinnah) and when Reuben and I got back, we found them all lying on the living room floor together with Daddy giving Rinnah some pretty exciting airplane rides that ended with a "crash" landing on the nearby couch. After seeing Krassi eyeing things up pretty intently, with some help from me, Krassi was able to have his first "Daddy-airplane" ride, which he enjoyed even more than we had anticipated. His rides didn't end with the bounce on the couch (yet) but they always ended with a smile!

I've also been trying more "rough" play with him with seemingly positive reactions. I will sometimes lift him up above my head (not really a toss for both his sake and mine!) and have gotten a number of smiles and giggles that way. When he laughs we're often looking for other cues as to whether this is a response to stress or to pleasure, and in this case are taking his relaxed sounding coos afterwards as a sign that he's liking it. ;)

Relaxed is a good descriptor of his physical condition lately, too. Even with the rougher days that he's coming out of, we will frequently find him on the floor with his legs open in a position that he was not capable of when he came home, and we're guessing that's a result of increased movement on his part, good physical therapy twice a week and little bouts of stretching from mom throughout the day combined with him continuing to settle into his new environment. Last night after the airplane was done he was sitting in my lap for a while, and we caught this! Check out how relaxed and limber those little legs look!

Today Krassi needed a blood draw to check the levels of vitamin D that he's been supplemented with for bone health. We did eight weeks of fairly intense supplement therapy, and before we decide to continue or stop his doctor wanted to pause and see where his levels are. Thankfully Krassi has been a pretty easy poke (especially compared to Reu and Rin who have impossible to find veins!) This is the third time I've been with him through a draw, and once again, he's tense and nervous, but doesn't cry (and we have enough experience with him to know that he will cry if he is really in pain) and we didn't even get "the lip"! I still felt kind of bad doing this to him on a day when we'd been having so many good times. We had about a 15 minute wait at the clinic, and what a joy that was - just Krassi and I went, so he had my undivided attention, and he sat on my lap facing me (and Baby!) and we played "rewire the brain" (better recognized as "Krassi throws the toy on the floor, mom picks it up, repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.") I LOVE times like this, because I know it is so different from what life has taught him up to this point, and sometimes its almost like I can see the expectations in his little brain changing before my eyes as he grabs the toy and drops it with anticipation.

He is, in so many ways, a quick learner.

These posts get written in little snips as I have moments in between other tasks. ;) Just now as I was reading through to see where I was, I don't know if I had more I intended to say in that last paragraph or not! So that's what you get.

And, since another day is over now, I've had a chance to download and have a few more photos to share. Along the lines of trying new things, burning lots of calories, and just in general being happier and more relaxed, look at what Krassi did for the first time today...he got himself up to sitting in a semi-cross-legged fashion!

It's hard work for him! (You can see in his face how much concentration this is taking.)

But then look how pleased he is with himself when he's got it!

 And before supper, Daddy had a few minutes to come play and after the success that the airplane rides were last night, all of the little ones (meaning not including Owen and Leah) got a few turns, and again, Krassi was delighted - perhaps even a little more than last night because, as a quick learner, I think he remembered the good times from the night before and was able to draw on that new little memory in anticipation.

Days like this are precious. My hope, as I expressed it to Matt on our way to bring supper to his mom's, was that with time these days will become more frequent, and the rough periods will become shorter and have more space in between. We've had, so far, less than three months to build new habits, new memories, new responses with this son of ours, and are up against over 9 years of his very different past experiences, but day by day, layer upon layer, we will do our best to build a foundation of love and security that this boy can grow on.

It's nice to have good days. ;) They make it easier to get through the rough days.

Krassi's weight stats

After meeting with the nutritionist a week and a half ago and implementing a number of strategies to make the food that Krassi takes in pack more punch and hopefully help him to start putting on some healthy weight, I was really looking forward to having him weighed at his one-time neurology visit this morning. After his first three weeks home gaining about a pound a week and topping out at 32 pounds, 7 ounces, he then started moving around on the floor during the day instead of just laying on the floor or being propped on the couch, and he's been steadily burning more calories than I can get into him ever since!

The fact that he's learning to be picky about what he eats doesn't help any, but we've recently seen that even with things that have historically (ha! Not much of a history, but we work with what we have) have been his favorites, he will often take one bite and then put his hand up to indicate he's done. No. Way. that boy is really done after one bite. So mealtime has become less of a Krassi-guided event and more mom and dad directing how much to eat. We've also been sweetening some things to make them more palatable.

But still, he was steadily dropping weight, and was all the way down to 31 pounds 5 ounces when we saw the nutritionist a week and a half ago. After 10 days of being increasingly intentional about what he's eating and how much, Krassi now weighs...

31 pounds, 1 ounce.

NOT what I was hoping to hear!!! I am comforted only by the fact that this little boy has likely moved more in the last 2.5 months than he did in the whole first eight years of his life, but it's still rather disconcerting to have your already-small nine year old losing weight when you're working so hard to help him gain weight!

He really can get himself up to this side-sitting position by himself, even with his braces on, and Leah wanted to be sure everyone knows that and she is just hugging him just because, not because he needs the help. ;)

Laughter

I've mentioned how there are many times when it's hard to read Krassi's emotions, either because the degree is his response is seemingly inappropriate, or simply because his whimpering or laughter come at odd junctions to each other, or in unusual situations. But some responses are pretty straightforward.

Krassi LOVES it when people around him are laughing. There were a few times over the course of yesterday when all of us around him were laughing - big, deep, belly laughs - and it is such a delight to see the pleasure that he gets from hearing that sound. He laughs right along with us, not knowing why we're laughing, but knowing that sound is a good sound and knowing he wants to be a part of it.

He also continues to love his Grandma (Matt's mom who will be moving in with us as soon as we get her space in the addition completed, and who we see six days of the week.) Without fail, every time he sees her, or even hears her voice, he is all smiles and giggles.

Ups and downs

Haven't had much time to post, but as a way of a quick update on how Krassi's doing, we're in the middle of a low week. After three weeks of a honeymoon of sorts after coming home, he's more or less alternated between good weeks and rough weeks. Last week we had some really sweet moments, and those were all the more precious coming after a week when it sure seemed like he really didn't like me at all. (I am, after all, not only the one who feeds him and massages his feet and snuggles him into bed at night (which, by the way, is not really his favorite thing. He tolerates it MUCH better than he did, but it's still awfully close for him), but I'm also the one who puts on his AFOs and encourages him to stand and sit properly in them, the one who brushes and flosses his teeth, and the terrible ogre who bandages up his cracked finger every night before bed so it has a chance to heal. And when I talk about a bandage, I mean a serious two-bandaid, three-layers-of-waterproof-tape-so-he's-wrapped-from-the-tip-of-his-finger-down-to-where-it-meets-his-hand kind of bandage so that 75% of the time he can't get it off by morning. I'm the one who works on stretching his inner thigh muscles knowing that if he has any articular cartiledge left that they're going to want to do surgery to replace his hip joints, and that will likely require muscle relaxants so those inner thighs don't pull them right back out of joint, and I don't want to see him on any more of those than are necessary knowing the impact it will have on his overall ability to use his muscles...)

This week, though, is the first where eating has been a struggle for him. It's a challenge to know how much I should push to get some food into him, how much I should cater to what he likes (applesauce usually goes down okay, but is not the highest in overall nutritional value), and how much do I simply back off and wait until it's not an issue? Or does he need some pushing from me to learn to be accustomed to what it means to have a feeling of being fed instead of living day in and day out for years with the ache of hunger until that becomes "normal" and anything else is difficult?

During the rough weeks we see periods of unexplained (by immediate circumstances, but likely many possible explanations if one considers his trauma-filled past) distress. Sometimes its simply low-grade whimpering, sometimes full out tears. And there is often nothing we can do at those times that visibly provides any comfort to him. In fact, it sometimes seems as though comfort in itself is distressing because it is unfamiliar.

So do we leave him to the comfort of the familiar? Or guide him through the challenge of learning a new frame of reference? And, knowing already that we have chosen to remove him from the "comfort" of his familiar, knowing how very bad that familiar was, how do we best walk this child through the process of re-learning everything he's ever known to be true??

As I skim back over these words, I realize that at the surface they sound hopeless. But that is not what it lives like here. Impossible for me to figure out? Yes. Impossible, likely, for anyone (even Krassi!) to figure out? Yes!! But this is the life God has laid out for us, so we will walk it day by day, moment by moment. "Whatever he tells you to do, do it!" (John 2:5) "Work, because God is with you." (Haggai 2:4 - from our sermon this morning) "Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9 - from Sunday School this morning.) These little blips hardly do justice to any one of these passages (which can just as easily be taken out of context as the one I shared last night!) but hopefully give a sampling of how we are being strengthened to take on the bigger-than-we-are task that is before us.

Ecclesiastes 10:19b

This is one of my favorite examples of why it is wrong to quote the Bible out of context. In case you don't take the time to look up the second half of Ecclesiastes 10:19, I'll give it to you here:

"...money is the answer to everything."

How about that? ;)

But as much as I do NOT believe that is true (read it in the context of the whole book and you'll get a very different flavor!), it does happen to be appropriate to the question of the week: how is work coming on the house??

Money is a good answer to that question. That's about all that's happened. Matt has had a lot of his own work (that he gets paid to do) this week, and looks like he will for most of next week, too, which means that he has the opportunity to earn money, which he doesn't do when he's working on building the house. It's also been another week where we've spent money on the house. Menards' 11% rebate sale this week prompted us to go out and pick up a bunch of the things that are upcoming - light fixtures for Barb's rooms, tile and cement backer board for her bathroom walls, light bulbs for a number of areas, phone cord, smoke detectors, and a variety of other things as well. It's not very satisfying progress for Matt, but as I've tried to remind him, it's hard to get the work done when you don't have the stuff to do it, and getting the stuff takes time, so I count shopping time as "real" work time on the house.

But it doesn't make for very interesting pictures. Hm. Unless you count the fact that we brought most of our parade with us. We must be quite the sight walking through Menards with Matt and I with a cart each, Leah pushing Krassi in his wheelchair, and Reuben and Rinnah following along in the mix. (Owen stayed at a friend's house.) Maybe next time we decide to all go out I *should* bring the camera!