Daylight Saving and Roman Ruins

So, how many of you knew that K's country does Daylight Saving? We knew this, because Jon (the other dad we traveled with) had asked Filip conversationally about that earlier this week. Interesting tidbit; not all countries do.

How many of you know when the spring switch happens in K's country?? It happened a few weeks ago in MN. Apparently, Filip didn't think this was a very important piece of information to add to the conversation, because he didn't tell us that.

But we know. Now. ;) We actually found out early this morning. You see, our agency on the European side had already arranged and paid for our cab to the airport for us. Very nice. She had it set to pick us up at 5am for our 7:10am flight to Amsterdam. We're pretty low-maintenance people, so we figured if we woke up at 4:15am (9:15pm Saturday back on MN time) that we'd have plenty of time to get up, get dressed and ready, and pack.

Apparently that was way more time than we needed to plan for, because we were surprised by a wake up call at what we thought was 4am local time saying our cab was there!!! How could our cab be there? We'd been told 5am for the cab, very clearly! What's it doing an hour early? That wakes you up pretty quickly. ;) We told her to tell the driver we'd be down within 10 minutes, and I think we packed and dressed and were down in seven minutes.

The front desk staff was then nice enough to explain to us that at 3am local time the time had sprung forward to 4am, leaving us, who had set our alarm on our cell phone by counting the hours carefully forward to match local time, an hour behind.

Very exciting. But even with the 10 minute delay, we made it to our plane without a problem (smaller airport than the one at home!) AND had time before that to stop at the souvenir shop to pick up one last little thing – a birthday present for our sweet Leah who is turning SIX YEARS OLD while we are on our way home today! It ended up being a nice way to get 45 minutes of extra sleep, but not one that I recommend as a regular practice!

And, because I don't know when I'll have a chance to spend the time I'd like to to post about what we saw around K's city over the week we were there, or about our day walking the streets of the capital city on the last day of our trip, I will post just a few photos here of a small dream fulfilled by surprise on this trip. (I'm writing this on the plane, knowing that all I'll want to do today when I get home is hug my little ones and go to bed!)

As an architecture student who had an undergraduate concentration in Latin and Greek/Roman ancient history/archeology, I have always wanted to go to Rome (or some other similar city) and see the ruins of the ancient Roman civilization. Imagine my surprise when Matt commented about a little tidbit in our hotel's “around the city” book mentioning Roman ruins! So, we decided to walk over there, and they're all over in the central governmental part of town! So. Neat!! As far as we can tell, some of the excavation is relatively recent, and is covered over with wood frames, plastic, and temporary (but neat and tidy) metal roofs. Some of them are in large courtyards surrounded by huge buildings. This was something I had pretty much written off my list of things to do someday, knowing that having four (soon five!) children doesn't leave you a lot of elbow room for gallivanting around Europe chasing ancient civilizations, so to have this as an accidental benefit of traveling for K was a delightful surprise.

Matt's thoughts as we prepare to go home

In John 7, and numerous other places, Jesus says “My time has not yet fully come”. This statement of Jesus has run through my mind at many times during this adoption process and is once again rumbling in my head as we struggle with leaving K behind for months before we can come back to get him.

It was exactly one year ago when Andrea and I felt God telling us that we had talked long enough about this adoption thing and it was time for us to start walking down that road. So we started by contacting a few adoption agencies to start gathering information and begin the paperwork.

As the process continued, we have seen God's hand in the timing, as Andrea has written some about in previous entries. After the paperwork was in process, the discussion of the “first trip” began to come up and we were always figuring based on the typical timing of the paperwork process that we would be traveling sometime in early April. However, Andrea kept saying that she thought we would end up traveling the end of March, but it just didn't seem like that would be possible.

We knew that Andrea's mom was going to staying with our kids while were gone and we knew that she was going to be unable to stay with them the first 2 weeks of April because of prior arrangements and we really did not want to have to push out our trip until the end of April.

On March 7^th, we got our verbal approval for travel and were told it would be up to 2 weeks before we would get written approval and could make travel arrangements. Doing the math it seemed very unlikely that we would be traveling in March, but Andrea kept commenting that she thought we would be traveling in March.

On March 13, less than a week later, we got an email with the written approval asking if we could travel March 23-30. We made a number of contacts to make sure we could get this to work.
There were 3 things that were potential reasons in our minds not to travel on those dates. 1) Leah's birthday is March 31 and we had already scheduled her family birthday party on March 30^th and our plane would not be back in time. 2) I was going to be playing my cello in the Good Friday service at our church and this was something I had done the previous year and had really found to be a blessing to me and I was excited to get to be a part of it again this year...not to mention that Andrea's parents would be in town for Leah's party and were going to get to come to the service as well. 3) I do maple syruping and this year has been an odd year. Typically the month of March is when you get the most flow and do the boiling. However, this year has been colder and there has been little flow and as I checked the 30 day weather forecast, the last week of March was projecting temps that were ideal for sap flow.

We talked with Leah about missing her party and she decided that it was more important to her that we get to see K sooner and bring him home sooner than for us to be at her party. She has been saying for months that she wanted K for her birthday gift, but we knew that would not possible, but she chose to have us go to visit him for her birthday. That is a BIG thing for a not quite 6 year old to do!

I also recognized that the other two reasons for not traveling March 23-30 were selfish reasons on my part and I could not justify postponing the trip by a month because I wanted to do my maple syrup and play my cello. So we said yes to the travel dates and started the whirlwind process of getting ready to go.

It was as we booked tickets and got our final schedule that I fully realized the significance of the travel dates. It was exactly 1 year after we started the process. It would be on Good Friday that we would have our last visit with K. It would be Easter morning, resurrection Sunday, we we board our plane to come home. K's name means “resurrection of peace”. This is no coincidence.

We first saw K's photo on a blog written by a mom who had adopted from his orphanage. We had no idea how long he had been listed for adoption when we decided to inquire about him. We knew that he had been listed 3 times in his own country and had been rejected three times. In K's country, they do not allow children to be listed for international adoption unless they have been turned down for domestic adoption 3 times. This week we found out, in conversation with one of the other families that we traveled with, that K had been listed on and off for nearly a year and a half. It seems crazy to us that no one would have chosen to pursue his adoption during that time. Then this morning as I was laying in bed before getting up and thinking about God's timing, it made sense...

One of the scripture passages that my dad wanted to have be a part of his funeral is Psalm 139. This is a chapter that has been an important one in my life and in the events that surround Reuben's diagnosis of epilepsy and Ring 20 Chromosome.

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

Weeks before I knew what my dad wanted to have said at his funeral, but when we already knew that he was not going to be here much longer, I wrote him a letter and this is where I started:

“From the time that we first found out about your cancer up to the present time, I have found comfort and peace in knowing that God is sovereign. There is nothing that takes Him by surprise. Not cancer, not back pain, not Ring 20 syndrome. Psalm 139 tells us that “In Your book are written, every one of them, the days ordained for me, when as yet there were none of them.” Even before any one of us came into existence in this world, God knew everything about us and the things that would take place in our lives. These are all things that He has designed and planned to bring about and accomplish His purposes and to bring glory to His name. “

I was not planning to write about this, but this is where I ended up going and I just happen to have the letter I wrote to him with me here in K's country because I typed on my laptop last June. Below is another excerpt of what I had to say to my father as I faced the reality that I was going to be losing him soon.

“None of us knows the days that are written for any of us, but we do know that you cancer is progressing and that options for medical treatment are few. It is hard to see the man that I have known all my life as Dad getting weaker and being in so much pain. It is difficult to think about the days that lie ahead when I won't be able to “ask Dad” when there are questions that I have and when my children no longer have a Papa to get excited about seeing. Nonetheless, I thank you for the ways that you have shown me how to live and also for the past several years how you have been showing me how to live while dying.”

As I contemplated the death of my dad and as I experienced and still grieve over the loss of my dad, I KNOW how important a Dad is. In my letter, I also talked about how Andrea and I were planning to adopt, but didn't know exactly when or how. But God knew. He knew when K was still in his mother's womb that we would travel on March 23-30, 2013 and He knows when we will travel again. He knew that K was going to have a dad. K was on that adoption website for that long because that was how long God chose to have him there. In John 17, as Jesus approaches his crucifixion, he says “the hour has come”.

There is a set time that God has established for everything and we rest in the peace of that knowledge knowing that as tough as it is to leave K here this time, the time has not yet fully come, but the hour will come when it is time to bring him home.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

We got a photo update of the kids. Kind of. ;) This is a bit of what the other four have been up to with Grandma while we've been gone!

Matt and I both appreciate how he's pointing out the trail of mud he's made with his bike through the snow in the front yard in case we weren't able to find it on our own.

We're really looking forward to holding and loving on the four waiting for us back at home.

Friday

I've been taking photos of the city where K's orphanage is, thinking I'd maybe do a post about that city and what we saw and did there, possibly even today since I'd have extra time. That is not going to happen. I can't get my brain to move that way.

It was hard to leave K. It would be hard to leave your child under any circumstances, but leaving him where we had to leave him made the situation significantly harder. I was vividly reminded today how very vulnerable orphans are - what a tragic thing it is to belong to no one. Even K's baba, much as she loves him, is not someone that K belongs to. This is her job. She has no say in his care, no right to advocate for him - she is very limited in what she can do for him. She can smile at him, hold him, call him sweet nothings (which she apparently does!) and make his whole body smile...for the two mornings a week that she is with him.

K made eye contact with me for a few brief moments today. Long enough moments that it was obviously that he was looking at me. And multiple times, too. But he was not into playing and having fun like he was yesterday afternoon. He was, however, still evidently comfortable in our presence. Whether that was resignation or a sense that we were "safe" and could be trusted, I can't read from him, but he was very willing to be held and to let his body relax against us instead of holding stiff as a board as he did on Monday. Back then I assumed that his CP would not allow him to relax, but we have learned through the week that his tension is related to his emotional state. When something startles him, or he is unsure of something, he stiffens. But you can see here, he is pretty relaxed.

But certainly not all that jazzed about being with us. ;) [And like we keep reminding ourselves, this is a very good thing that bodes very well for his future. We know he can learn to love. We see that with his baba. We know he is discriminatory. We see that in the way he responds to us and to the various other people who have interfaced with him over the week. He has appropriately varied reactions to different people. And as I've said over and over on the blog as much as to myself, when we earn his love we will know we have earned something worth working for. So by Christmas, if not sooner, we're hoping we'll be able to get something of that reaction out of him!]

So many people we've seen this week talk about how much potential K has. "All he needs is lots of therapy and he's going to be just fine!" I think there's a lot of truth in this. And I think that the love of a family is going to do wonders, too. He will no longer be an orphan! He will belong to someone, and have family who belongs to him. But I can't get out of my head the fact that the physical healing (getting this almost nine year old boy to be bigger than his not-quite-four-year-old brother) is only part of K's story. He was, as a tiny, vulnerable, premature infant, put in the "care" of a facility that has been compared to Auschwitz. And somehow, amazingly, he managed to stay alive. Many children didn't, and many children who were with him over the years did not fare as well as he did. The two other couples who were with us on their first visit to their boys (ages almost six and almost nine) make K look like Superman. K can roll over!! K can hold his head up sometimes! K shows interest in toys! And he can grab them!!! AND, K responds appropriately to interactions with the various people in his life (love for baba, really likes his PT, relative indifference, but not fear, towards us as kind strangers, complete lack of response to the nurses who wheel him in and out of the visiting room, distaste for the doctor who tried to rub his cheeks all cute, but apparently has NO rapport with K personally). K, at 27 pounds now, is MUCH bigger than the other two little ones we spent time with this week.

But seeing how much K reminds me of Reuben in the way we know he takes in more than he lets on, I wonder what it's going to be to him to work through the trauma of the intensity of the neglect and mistreatment he received for the first almost 8 years of his life before the old director was removed and the new director began making changes. And things don't magically change overnight at a facility of this size just because the director has a different mentality. Even with changeovers in the staff, there are still plenty of the nurses and caregivers who are not only used to the old ways, but resentful toward the director for the changes in protocol being imposed on them.

Today, after we gave K one last hug, smoothed back his hair, gave him a kiss and told him obichum te (I love you) and gave him in his stroller to the nurse, she walked over without a smile, shoved his head back against the back of the seat, and rolled him out of the room. He made no protest. Why should he? This is just part of life, right?

Maybe for now. But it won't be for long. Those days are ticking off one by one, and we are going to be BACK. And we will take this boy away from everything he's ever known, and I'm hoping his life will just explode out of the walls its been held within and he will begin to be able to live. As a son, a brother, as someone who is valuable and wanted and loved and cared for, for the rest of his life.

Don't worry, little boy. Next time we see you, we will not have to leave you.

Last visit

Today we spent some time with K, and then left him there in that orphanage and drove back to the capital city. Leaving him was tough, but I don't think I realized how discombobulated I was until our driver/translator dropped us off at our hotel (same one we were at the first night) and I started to cry as he left. Too much leaving, and having Filip leave us kind of topped it off.

It was hard to leave this boy.

A Comment

I was just skimming through the posts we've made this week, and realize that we have really chosen the very best of the best photos to share. These are the moments we cherish, but they do not at all capture the full reality of this little boy. In between those flashes of light are many, many distant, disconnected moments. This is how he's lived for most of his life, and it will take plenty of time and lots of love to really open this boy up. But there is a dear little boy inside, and what we've given you in photos are the momentary flashes when he lets us in for a moment. But we were reminded today as we re-read translations of the national news articles from when the situation at his orphanage was revealed a little over a year ago and the positive changes started happening, and were very sobered by the very very difficult situation this boy was in for most of his life. That, too, will take time (and lots of love!) to heal.

Thursday, part 2

We had a good afternoon visit.


This is probably the most fun that the three of us have had together. After this morning's visit and mentally reasoning with ourselves about all the reasons why he is not making an incredible emotional connection to us this week, and why in many ways that is a good thing, it was pure delight to just have fun with him. Again, I don't think he was particularly delighted by US being there, but he definitely was having a good time with us. He's decided that we are just fine people to be around, and he can be relaxed and have some fun with us. So this will be a post with some fun pictures, and only *some* of them had to be fussy-picked from videos. Some of these we just caught on plain old camera!

We spent a lot of time holding him this afternoon. I can't remember if we spent any time down on the ground today. He was just so willing to be held that we enjoyed having him close. We started as we always do by just talking with him for a few minutes while he's still in his stroller to give him some time to adjust, and then I picked him up and was bouncing and singing a little bit, and he started smiling!

Even though he's not very heavy (weighs a little less than Reuben), he doesn't hold on very well, partly, I think, because he doesn't know how to be carried nicely, and also partly because of his CP he has a hard time (strength and flexibility) positioning his body in a helpful way. So while we did some standing, we also did some sitting down! Today we learned how to say "kisses" in K's language, and he liked that. It is very encouraging to us to see how he responds to his own language. This makes me hopeful that he could also learn to understand English, and possibly, even, to speak it! We are familiar with slow progress on speech (Reuben has been a wonderful teacher for us on how to look for other ways to communicate with someone who cannot speak and is unable to use sign language!) and know that patience pays off. [Side note - just before we left to visit K, Reuben said a three-syllable approximation for "Bye, Owen" that involved two consonants and three vowel sounds. This is an amazing feat for our little Reu!! Even six months ago I didn't think Reuben was going to be able to do that any time soon!]

Back to K. ;) Here are a few photos of some of the smiles we were getting as I was singing and bouncing and tipping him backwards. Lots of fun!

 Then Daddy got a turn. Daddy sings differently than Mommy does (probably a good thing!) but we found out that K likes it all! This photo captures an amazing moment as K made very deliberate eye contact with Daddy for just a moment...and I think he liked it. (Well, I think K did - I know Daddy did!) It was amazing how much more trusting he was of us today than he was on Monday. Again, this is n-o-t-h-i-n-g compared to the way his whole body surges with delight when he hears his Baba's voice, but it's a step in the right direction. She's had three years to earn that delighted wiggly laugh. We will have time to earn ours, too.

K was also really interested in playing with Daddy's face today - especially his glasses. (We also learned from our translator how to say "glasses"! You know - those really functional words!) This is a game K will have to un-learn when he comes home, but at this point, it was a great bridge-builder, and we figured worst that would happen is Matt's glasses would break and we'd have to get a new pair, and it would be worth the cost. I have yet to hear someone say they chose adoption because it is a cost-effective way to grow their family! ;)

In looking at that photo Matt's thinking that the nose surgery may be more costly than the glasses! ;) Thankfully, both nose and glasses seem to have made it through the day.

This morning we brought along to show K some pictures that Leah drew for him. He enjoyed feeling the paper and hearing the noise it made in his hand, and he *really* liked handling the cotton ball "snow" that she glued onto the snowman picture!

So we learned the word for "snow." This one may be more useful in the future, considering we live in Minnesota! Funny moment - back at the hotel we were reviewing our day as we were walking up the stairs to our room. We don't use the lifts, partly because we enjoy the physical activity of walking up and down from the ninth floor, but secondarily because even the other translator says she doesn't like using the lifts in the Communist-era buildings! (Though she often does.) But not many people use the stairs, so it's a [seemingly] quiet, private place to talk. So we're walking up the stairs, practicing our language skills, going, "sneck, sneck" to each other, then turn at the landing and find ourselves looking at a businessman in a suit talking on his cell phone by the window. So we turned the corner and started laughing and whispering "stupid, stupid" to each other as we finished our walk. ;)

Well, after sharing that lovely moment, I think I'd better leave you with one more picture so you have a nicer place for your thoughts to end.

Tomorrow we make one last visit with K, and then leave him for 4-5 months. That's going to be tough. I can't think of any other way to say it.

Thursday, part 1

I don't usually post until the day is over, but I thought I'd throw a few tidbits about this morning's visit up now.

Today we were vividly reminded that although K tolerates us, and isn't frightened and nervous about being with us like he was during our first visit on Monday, he doesn't particularly like us, either. ;) It's not fun to write that, because obviously we would love for our boy to fall immediately in love with us, but at the same time, there is a silver lining. This boy adores his baba, and watching how his face springs to life and how animated with excitement he gets when she enters the room shows us that he knows how to love and he is discriminatory in his love. Many children who have been long institutionalized are willing to "love" anyone who shows positive attention to them. We ran into a little girl yesterday who was like this, and her parents (her parents have already completed their first visit and are waiting to come bring her home) will have challenges with attachment that we will not have with K. We have learned that he is selective about who he loves, but that he can love, and love deeply. What a day that will be when we see his whole little body light up when he sees me or Matt (or one of his brothers or sisters!) walk into the room! We will know that we have earned something precious.

Here are a few photos of K tolerating these weird people who don't even know how to talk right. ;)

Wednesday

This morning's visit started differently than the other ones we've had. We were supposed to meet with the director of the orphanage our first day here, but she has had a very challenging week and has not been available when we have been, so today we were finally able to meet with her. It was good to be able to ask some questions - some just silly logistical ones (we brought some clothes to donate, can we and how do we do that?) but also some more pressing ones (what is going on with the mention of seizures in the new report?) Her answer to this last question was what we had been hoping - those seizures were just from his first week of life, and were an after-effect of the premature birth and intra-cranial bleeding associated with the difficult birth. Knowing what we do about epilepsy, we know that for seizures to be considered "epileptic" a person needs to have more than one unprovoked seizure. There was a distinct, explainable reason for the seizures he experienced on his third day, and there is no evidence of any seizures after that, nor is he or has he been on any medication for seizures. We were very happy to hear this.

We also learned one thing we had wanted to know but weren't sure we would be able to find out - who named him. We have really liked K's native name, and have strongly considered keeping it as his name once he is adopted. It means "resurrection of peace" which is quite a cool name, and we also like the way it sounds, and have grown accustomed to it as a family. We found out today that this is the name that his birth mother named him. Some children are surrendered and then named by the orphanage staff. His name came from his birth mother. She was not able to give him much. She gave him life; she gave him his name. From what we know, she wanted to raise him, but was unable to do so because of the challenges his difficult birth has left him with. But knowing how significant the giving of a name is, we were excited to hear that his mother who gave birth to him also gave him this name. We also, as his parents, will want to give him a name, but nearly certainly will not replace the name he was already given, but rather add to it. [And because of privacy issues, until he is our son, this is why he gets the fancy "K" for the purposes of the blog! Likely he will be "K. E." and we could share the "E", but at this point, we'll just keep the whole thing under wraps until the unveiling when he is our boy. We never shared our other kids' names until they were born!]

But, back to our morning with K. Today we needed to take our boys (meaning our two families needed to take our two boys - we only get one!) to get their visa photos taken. These, along with other legalities, will be processed while we are back in the States, so when things are finalized and we return, there will not be *too* much running around to get him ready to leave. This meant that we got to take him OUT! Out into the snow, riding in the car, across the pedestrian way near our hotel into the little photo place. He was a little nervous in the car, but I think he actually let out a little sound of delight when we walked out the doors of the orphanage. I get the feeling that he likes being outside. ;)

Transitions are not a big thing for the orphanage staff, apparently. This may just be a cultural thing, too. ;) Anyway, the two boys came down in the elevator, all dressed in real clothes instead of just jammies, and were handed out to us and out we went! No adjustment to remember who we were, just "here you go and off you go!" So it was very neat to see that K did not appear to be too nervous being with me. He still doesn't like me the way he likes his baba and a few other people, but he's not afraid to be with me. We gave him the little black bear my mom sent, and he tucked his thumb into just the right spot, and held onto that guy the whole time we were gone.

Here's a photo from when we got back from our photo run. Between that and the director's meeting, we did not have much time left for a regular visit, but took advantage of the few minutes that we did have. Doesn't he look like a big boy in his regular clothes? (And those bright orange socks go significantly past his knees. I know. I tried to check!) There's that little black bear...When we left, he was NOT ready to give up his bear, so I let him take it, hoping that we'd see it back. (He had held onto the touch-and-feel cat book the day before and we hadn't seen that yet...)

After that short visit we went back to the hotel, had our lunch at our favorite place, the Oops, where you can get a nice sized slice of pizza for under $1. It's also easy to order. You walk up to the outdoor counter, hold up two fingers while saying "dvey" and then give them the money. No native speaking required beyond that! ;) Matt and I have learned that if we don't say anything, we are fairly passable as natives. A few young women even stopped us to ask for directions. We think. ;)

Our afternoon visit was really neat - we got to watch K work with his physical therapist! We got there just as she was starting to work with him. It was evident that he really likes her, as she was getting reactions out of him almost as happy as when he's with his baba. And no wonder - we found out that she works with him every day for 30 minutes. Wow. I had no idea he was getting that much time. She has been working with the children here for six months. From what I understand, before that time there were no physical therapists working with these children - they were completely bedridden except for diaper changes. Again, we were so happy to be able to tell her that the work she's done with him shows - he has far exceeded our expectations based on the photos and medical file we were given when we first committed to him in November, 2012.

She was very proud of what he is able to do. Six months ago, sitting like this on the edge of the table was impossible for him. We were pretty proud of him, too!

She starts each session with him with a long massage to loosen his tight muscles and work his joints around a bit. We were pleased to see how much he seemed to enjoy this time, and how very closely she watched his reactions to make sure that she was not causing him undue discomfort. What a revolutionary change this must be for this small boy! And little man has no idea what's coming later this year for him. ;) Huge changes, big, tough changes, but GOOD changes. He'll get his PT, and get to go home to mommy and daddy when he's done and show off what he's learning to do! I can't wait. ;) Apparently it kind of tickled when she zipped up his jammies. And notice, please, who is tucked into his hand in just the proper place!? Little black bear was still right with him, (as was the kitty book on a table near the door.)

K often seems very tired when he's with us. I'm not sure if this is just his "look" or if spending so much intense time with us this week is wearing him out! We also found out today that he takes medication to help relax his muscles, and I'm curious if this has any impact on his level of alertness.

After PT, we made our way back up to The Room where we get to spend our time with him. It's a fine room, but I know *I* at least am looking forward to diversifying where we can go with him!

We decided today was the day to get out the balloons we had brought, and we filled the white one with beads (colors carefully hand picked by Leah - no pink or purple beads in K's balloon!!) He wasn't so into it, but did bop it around a little. Well, little black bear did most of the bopping. ;) We hope to try again another day with a string tied around it so it has a little more movement.

We took the "black bear knocks down the balls" to a new level. Watching K with his PT made me a little more confident in how I can handle his tiny body. I've been concerned about hurting him - pushing his range of motion too far, or things like that - but seeing what he is capable of in that setting encouraged me to push a little further, which broadens what we're able to do together. The photo shows just how very weak his back is. His physical therapist mentioned that not only is he working against muscle weakness, but his spine is also deformed from so many years of being left to himself that it has grown improperly, so he has to work double time to sit straight. But like I mentioned yesterday, he's got quite a lot of determination for a little guy, and he's gotten a number of comments about how he has so much potential - he just needs lots of physical therapy [and, I would add, a family who loves him is going to give him leaps and bounds of encouragement, too!]

Kind of on a whim I started singing a simple clapping song with him in what we knew were our last few minutes of the afternoon, and was delighted to have Matt tell me how big he was smiling! He was trying to get his hand into the action, too. Very hard for him to do, but he would get his tight little hand near mine, and we would work together to maneuver it into some sort of a clap against my other hand. This again is a still shot from a video, which is the best way to share his fleeting smiles. I like this one. ;) Guess who's going to fall asleep thinking of more clapping songs tonight, hmmm?? ;)

One more highlight is we got a fairly decent picture of K with his mommy and daddy. We're going to try to take it to the photo place across the way tomorrow (well, Filip our translator may be invited to come with us!) so we can make a print of it to leave with K. One hard thing about this week is knowing that we are working to build a relationship with this little boy, and then will leave him. I want to do whatever we can to let him know that although we are gone, we are not abandoning him. I think his baba will be a big part of this. We see her again tomorrow, and are going to supply her as well as we can with what she needs to remind K every week that he has a mama and daddy who love him and who are going to come back for him. We have two visits tomorrow, and then only one on Friday. Three more times to give this boy a taste of what it is to be loved by his mama and daddy. We know he does not yet love us (though definitely accepts being around us, and seems to enjoy that time well enough), but we love him, and we hope that as he gets to know us when he's home that he will grow to love us. It is clear that he is capable of loving, and in that sense, it's okay with us that he doesn't yet reciprocate our affections for him. That means that someday when we *do* get the reaction from him that his baba, or his sweet PT gets, that we'll know we have earned something precious.

Visits on Tuesday

We had two more good visits today. We really like spending time with this little boy! He is very mellow and calm, but we also got to see him get a little more animated today.

The morning visit was short again - tomorrow's is supposed to be longer. This morning we got to meet K's "Baba." "Baba" means "Grandma" and one thing that I really appreciate about K's orphanage is their Baba program. Older women from the community are able to become "babas" to individual children in the orphanage. They are paid for their time, and what they do is come in a few days a week and just spend time with their particular child. K's Baba helps to feed him when she is with him, and we got to watch her feeding him today. She says that he can be kind of a picky eater, and that he tends to prefer his desserts. ;) We laughed and said he'll fit right in with our kids, then! But despite that preference, he still managed to eat quite a bit of his soft potatoes/tomatoes/peas mixture. His foods are pretty soft, but he's able to handle quite a bit of texture quite well. He seemed to enjoy eating, or maybe he just really enjoys anything he does with his baba! She told us how she is helping him use a standing device to practice his weight bearing, and how sometimes she will have him eat while standing to help strengthen his muscles. She smiled as she shared with us about a documentary she had seen about children and adults with CP, and how one woman in particular was unable to walk until she had a surgery at 22 years old and then was able to walk. It was clear to see that K's baba is hoping that he is going to walk someday, too, and that she is doing what she can to help him reach that goal.

She has been his baba for three years, and it seems like she has really enjoyed watching his abilities develop now that he's spending time out of his crib. She shared that last summer she would take him outside in the stroller, and that at first he was very afraid of cars and trolleys, but that by the end of the summer he was not scared of them anymore. This was good to hear, not only that he got to be outside with her last year, but also that when he comes home he won't be terrified of the outdoors because our family likes to be outside when the weather is good! Owen and Leah have all sorts of plans for how they can make him part of their games outside. Owen thinks that if we put K in the wagon that he can pull him into the "fort" they have under two large pine trees. Leah spoke with me in great detail while we were outside in the snow a few weeks ago about how she thinks K might feel left out if all the rest of them are climbing up in those trees and how she had found the perfect branch where he could sit while she sat next to him and held him up in the tree. ;) Just typing that makes my throat get a little jumpy. I think we may save K's tree climbing until 2014, but the thought was sure sweet!

One of the most precious things she shared with us about K is what a sweet, emotional boy he is. She said (with pride, I believe), that K is the only boy who cries when his baba puts him back into his crib at the end of their time together, and that sometimes she "has to" go back and pick him up one more time before she leaves him. She says he likes to be called "dear" and "sweetheart." I'm so glad he has someone here to do that for him. I can imagine that it is going to be very tough for K to leave his baba this fall when he comes home. And vice versa. She knows that he's getting a family, and wants him to have a family; he will be losing everything that he's ever known, including his baba - someone who is very special to him. Even though we all know that a family is better than a baba a few times a week, it will all be new for him, and it's really hitting me again today what a transition that will be for him.

Another nice thing about this morning's visit is that he was a little more willing to let us hold him. Still nothing compared to what he's like when Baba's around, but it was okay for him.

Our afternoon visit was quieter - no people coming through - just us and K. We brought out the little stuffed black bear that my (Andrea) mom sent along for him to keep. When we got it out on Monday he was not that interested - he liked the balls more. But today he really latched on to it. We were pleased to notice that he was very particular about how he held the bear. Even if his initial grip was "wrong" he would work his hand to maneuver it around until he had it "right." The proper position, apparently, was with his hand over the little bear's back, and his thumb tucked under his front arm. Here's K demonstrating the proper bear holding technique!

He and the bear were nearly inseparable for the rest of the afternoon. We still played the same ball games that we did on Monday, but this time the bear was doing it for K! "Reach, reach up K! You can do it!..."

"...Yes! You got it! All the balls are down! Yay!!!"

This is where we really started to see some intensity, focus, and determination in him. He has to work really hard to get himself up high enough to get those balls down, but he keeps working at it until he does it. I was really amazed by that determination in him today. He's got the ability to stick with a job that I have a feeling is going to serve him well. Who knows - maybe his baba is right and this boy will be able to walk someday! I have spent so much time mentally preparing myself for a child who may well be wheelchair bound into adulthood that today has really opened up hope for me in an area I hadn't really let my imagination go.

And yet he's still got a long ways to go. But I look at the progress that he's made since last June (when our original photos and information about him are from, and also not long after the change in directorship) and am so excited about what he's learning to do. I also did the conversion from kg to lb today, and while he weighed 22 pounds last June, the more recent report (from Dec 2012) shows him weighing 27 pounds! No wonder he looks so much better in that newer photo we have of him!

One last delightful part of the afternoon is he welcomed a little bit of snuggling from me. I'm not sure here in this photo if he was snuggling because he wanted to, or if his upper body was just tired from being held upright and my shoulder provided a convenient resting place, but regardless, he was clearly much more comfortable in my arms here than he was on the first day. (Notice that he's *still* holding onto his bear!)

And we also got a few precious moments where he was letting me give him some kisses and rub his back. This is a still shot from a video, so I'm not sure how well it will work for resolution, but it captures the smile he was giving us during this little bit of time.

Can't wait to bring this little boy home!!

Highlights from Monday

Well, today was the big day we've been waiting for - the day that we get to start knowing this little boy *in person* and not just through photos and a little video snippet, AND, the day that he got to meet us - his Mama and Daddy! We will get two visits each day this week, and today was the same - an hour in the morning, and then we had a longer visit (almost two hours) right before supper. This morning he was rather hesitant, and didn't like being held. He didn't actively resist it, but he was not comfortable, and was whimpering a bit. In many ways this was encouraging to us - he recognized that we were strangers and was not automatically okay with being held by strangers. We laid him down on a soft play mat on the floor and spent the rest of our time near him there. For a while we were there, a man who works with some of the children came in, and K definitely recognized him. He responded to his voice, was reaching his hand out to him, and when the man held him, K was reaching up to touch his scratchy face and appeared quite relaxed. But even this morning, we noticed some things that showed us that K was not opposed to our presence. A number of times he would reach his hand out to Matt's open hand, and enjoyed holding on to him for a few moments at a time, and he was not opposed to us sitting near him, or stroking his hair, or rubbing his back.

[I had this whole post written, and then went to view it one last time before shutting down the computer for bed, and realized that it somehow disappeared! So I'll try to write it a second time. It will likely be shorter than it was the first time!]

We have been so prepared to meet a very small, very delayed little boy that there were many ways in which he exceeded our expectations. We found out this morning that he is able to roll over! After realizing he did not like being held, I laid him on his back on the mat, and he was able to roll himself over onto his belly! Once on his belly, he is able to lift his head for long periods of time (though this does seem tiring to him, and he will periodically lay his head down for a rest), and he can push himself up on his elbows, and sometimes even beyond his elbows. Here is a photo from our afternoon visit where he's showing off how strong he is!

We really enjoyed our second visit. Although he still seemed somewhat apprehensive about sitting on our laps, we spent over an hour and a half on that play mat with the toys. We learned that he really likes balls (something we had already noticed this morning), and he is quite adept at picking them up with his right hand and moving them around. Sometimes he uses even finer motor skills than that - using his fingertips to pull one closer to him so he can grip it, or purposely flicking it away with his fingertips (and then Daddy rolls it back, though I wouldn't say we were quite playing "roll the ball" but it sometimes worked almost that way.)

One very enjoyable part about our afternoon visit was the way he was seeking out Daddy's hand. Numerous times these two were holding hands, starting with Daddy's open palm invitation, and then K would work his hand over and place it on top of Daddy's. It was too much for K to hold eye contact with any touch like this, so he would usually look at Matt's hand, then place his hand there as he turned his head completely away. Even toys seemed to be difficult for him to hold in his gaze for too long. This seemed to be more of an avoidance thing (too intense for him to handle) than an inability to maintain eye contact with either people or things.

 

We think we may have heard one or two breathy little noises that almost sounded like laughter. Once or twice we caught glimmers of what might have been a smile, but nothing like the one in the photo from January. We'll see what the rest of the week brings!

One last favorite moment of the afternoon was when we started introducing him to the idea of cats since we have three at home. Grandma made him a little mobile with photos of our three cats which he enjoyed grabbing at, but he also really enjoyed this touch-and-feel cat book that we had brought from home. We never made it past the first page, but that's the best page of the book, anyway, since it has the cat "fur" on it.

The photo above makes him look a lot more engaged than he really is. This little boy has a long road ahead of him, but we figure this week is going to give him a good start at one of the most important realities he needs to know for life: he is our little boy, and we love him and are so happy to be with him.

A little bit about the capital city

Today (Sunday), we woke up, ate breakfast, and had time to take a walk through the capital city before packing up to leave for K's city.

We stayed in a quite nice hotel, with great staff who were very happy to help us out (in English!) in any way they could. The rooms were very up to date, and I was reminded of when we stayed in a tiny boutique hotel with friends of ours when we were graduate students and had a field trip to NYC for one of our classes.This is a view of our room.

The doors had very cool hinges. ;) I have to give the credit for noticing these to Matt. I'm not so observant about these things. But if you look, you'll notice that the part of the hinge that's on the door is made to nest inside the part of the hinge that's on the frame so you don't have to cut into either the door or the frame to make it fit.

I took this photo of the wallpaper especially for Leah. It had a deeply textured flower pattern and was a very dusky purple. VERY cool.

The swanky interior of the hotel was definitely a contrast to the surroundings. Here are a few views from our tiny little balcony. First, some smaller buildings that appear to be residential, though just to the left along the street there are some small shop fronts. I saw a cat run through this courtyard! Aren't the red tile roofs neat? Matt laughs at how intrigued I am by these. He has his hinges, I have my red roofs. ;) Even from the plane as we were landing I was mesmerized by all the red roofs.

We took the stairs up and down from our room most of the time, largely because they were fun marble stairs, but also because it's nice to be able to walk when we can. Each half landing had a window looking out at this:

(um, photo isn't working. I'll try again later.)

(just tried again, and still no luck. Oh well.)

(Ah ha! Trying again now (five days later) and it works!! Hope it was worth the wait!)

But there is also this view from our hotel room - the city is surrounded by mountains - very beautiful! The picture doesn't come even close to doing the view justice. So use your imagination a bit here!

We took a few photos on our walk this morning. This was the most notable building we saw - according to our hotel desk staff, it is the largest cathedral in the country. It was quite impressive.

One thing that was very striking to us on our walk was that despite the fact that everything here seems to be falling apart, there is still a level of care demonstrated through how tidy the city is. The sidewalks are incredibly uneven, and patched all over with concrete, or gravel, or not patched, and walking them is an adventure, but they are not covered with garbage - I think we saw two aluminum cans and one cigarette package laying on the ground where we walked - otherwise nothing of that sort. On two different streets we saw city crews out emptying the public trash cans into a garbage truck, and then going around after with brooms sweeping up the litter that was still lying in the street. We don't see that level of care where we live! Here (in MN) they send the street sweepers out once a year and call it good!

Here is a photo of the paving in one place that we thought was too neat to NOT photograph. It's also a good example of the different patching methods that are used when repairs are needed.

I also liked the flowers here - this was not the only place we saw something like this. Things are a little further into spring here than they are in MN (grass is green, but trees are not yet budded out), and I would guess that in another month when these flowers settle in, they are beautiful!

But I think my favorite part of our walk was this street sign near a playground area. Whoever designed this had a sense of humor!

And lastly, one photo from our drive through the mountains to K's city. Again, my photos of the mountains don't do anything to capture what they're really like, so I'll just share this one. I think this is a fantastic idea for gas stations - they have these periodically all along the highway. If you need gas, you don't need to get off at the nearest exit and drive until you get to a station; here they are right off the side of the highway - you just drive off, fill up, and then drive and merge right back on. Super easy on/off! (We're right up in the mountains here, and the mountains behind me are more significant than what you see in this photo.)

So that's where we're at! And since it's now 8pm here, it's high time for bed. ;) Lots to think about in preparation for our day tomorrow. At 10am (3am for all you Midwesterners reading this), we will arrive at K's orphanage, meet with the director for 15-20 minutes, and then we'll get to meet our boy!

We are in country!

After an uneventful flight, we are safely in our hotel in the capital city of K's country. Tomorrow morning at 11am our driver who picked us up from the airport will be back to pick us up and take us over the mountains (about a 2.5 hour drive, so not too bad) to K's city. And the day after *that*, we get to meet our little boy!

Upon arriving at our hotel, we were given a packet with updated information on K. Like everything we get on him, it is bittersweet. The photo is awful to look at - nothing like the photo of him smiling that we got back in January, and as tough as the last photo I posted of him is to see, this one is harder to look at.[note: we learned that this photo was not a new photo, but probably as old as or older than our first photo of him. This was good to find out.] He has an awful expression on his face, which we are reading as pain and terror - he's being held under his armpits with her hands pressing on his throat - I'm sure he feels unsupported and possibly like he can't breath well, and his whole tiny body is so tense. For a little guy who deals with muscle tension every day from his CP, it looks like his position is exacerbating what he is already dealing with. Ouch! I look at that photo, and as his mommy I long for the day (not long!) when I can gently and carefully lift him and hold him and begin to teach him that being held is a *good* thing and that being held by a mommy and daddy who love you is a *wonderful* thing.

His medical report also brought tears to my eyes. Partly because of some new information that we hadn't been given previously, but also tears filled with hope as the paragraph listing some of his daily life details is dramatically different from what was written last June. It is evident that the new director at his orphanage is making significant changes. He is eating from a spoon (held by a caregiver). He holds toys! He shows a preference for musical toys - oh how that made my heart leap! We did not bring any musical toys to share with him on this trip, but we did bring books to read with him, and as we were trying to figure out which books to bring, we decided mostly on ones that are made to be sung, figuring he won't understand the words, but you don't need to know a language to know the pleasure of hearing the rhythm of song.

One other detail - our driver picked us up as well as another couple who is here for their first visit to the little boy they are adopting from K's orphanage. They will be riding with us tomorrow, and staying at the same hotel in K's city, so we will likely see a lot of them. It's nice to be able to speak in English to someone while we're here! We'll be meeting back up with them for supper in about an hour here.

And then going to BED!

"More than you can handle"

A few days ago (the day after we got our travel date!) I had the opportunity to share briefly with some of the women from my church about Reuben's story. It was really good to be able to go through, both mentally in preparing, and then out loud with real words this morning how God has walked alongside us, and been so very faithful to prepare us ahead of time, and to support us in the very weak places we have been and still are. I want to add to that something that God has just shown me recently that builds on that.

It started one night as we were talking with another couple we know, and thinking of all of the religious-sounding bits of advice that have no grounding in the Bible (such as "God helps those who help themselves.") We thought of this one, which is often thrown around: "God never gives you more than you can handle." I disagreed with that for a number of reasons. First of all, although it may glorify God's wisdom in knowing what we can handle, it tends to put more glory on our own efforts, and our own apparently high abilities to  handle things - "if God has sent this my way, then apparently he thinks I can handle it!" but that night I couldn't put more than a gut-feeling reaction to it. I believe it was the day after that conversation that I came across this. I had just finished reading 1 Corinthians, and was starting 2 Corinthians, and there it is! right in the first chapter (vs. 8-11) "For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us,  you also joining in helping us through your prayers..." (emphases mine).

That answers it pretty clearly to me. If Paul was burdened "beyond his strength" I have no reason to believe that I will not also be burdened in the same way. What am I saying "will be" for - we ARE. Right now. And deeper and deeper the further we go into this! We. Can't. Do. This. We simply don't have enough money. God has seen to that. Adoption is not cheap, but to make sure we are fully aware of our helplessness, we have an adoption AND a significant house addition that we believe we're called to build debt free? We can't do it. We already have more than the average amount of children. And one of them has medical and developmental needs that are not severe, but definitely significant in a 24 hour, likely beyond 18 years sort of way. Add another child with more significant needs to our family? We can't do it! By the way, within an hour after receiving our verbal referral for K, Reuben had the first seizure he'd had (with the exception of one anomalous partial seizure in early December) in a record 14 weeks and 2 days. He has NEVER since the seizures started gone anywhere near that long. But BOOM; there it was. And then over the last three days, he's had four more seizures. And now we're supposed to leave him? For 9 nights? He has never in his life been away from both of us for even one night! We can't do this. And even our "normal" kids are far from perfect. Probably in part because they have less than perfect parents who can't do it exactly right. Our strength, our resources, are not sufficient for what is ahead of us.

So there we are. Beyond our strength. We can't do this. And in reading the verses above (which I've read many times over the last two weeks!) we are likely in this place because God has directed it so for a purpose. And he tells that purpose in the passage: "SO THAT we would not trust in ourselves, but in God." 

Who, by the way, "raises the dead."

It was last year over Easter weekend that God told us to GO. And we went. And were stopped by a huge "wall" that evaporated last October, so we started going again, and saw a picture of a little boy whose name, we later found out, means "resurrection of peace." We're leaving in a few days to meet this boy face to face, to shower him with love, learn who he is, let him begin to learn who his mommy and daddy are, and will return home on Resurrection Sunday. 

So we go, knowing full well that we can not trust in ourselves, but learning day by day through this to trust in God who raises the dead.

I'll end with a drawing Leah made for us on Sunday during church. She said we should bring it along with us on our trip. It's a drawing of an "enemy" on the left (see his big frowning face and thick strong legs?) and scrawny little smiley me on the right. Apparently Dad is behind me, but she couldn't figure out how to draw him. And that figure up at the top? That's God protecting us. ;)

Soup

Had a friend call tonight saying he had something to drop off for us. Twenty minutes later he shows up with soup so I don't have to think about cooking tomorrow (Tuesday).

About half an hour later another friend emails asking if we'd like a lasagna for this week Wednesday's supper.

Needs I didn't even know I had are being met. ;) These little bits are such a lovely encouragement to keep going.

AND, now someone has agreed to pick us up from the airport on Easter Sunday! All the pieces are coming together.

My lasagna friend reminded me tonight that if God is orchestrating everything that we're seeing him do for us to be able to GO to K, that he can also handle what's happening back here at home while we're gone. This is a good reminder, as every day that we get closer it gets harder for me to leave these four little ones behind to go after the one that is waiting for us.