Mourning for what was lost

Look at my big boy standing up with only a little bit of help from Mom! I'm providing (nearly all of) the balance, but Krassimir is doing nearly all of the weight bearing.

I see so many things as I look at this picture.

First of all, I see Krassi's smile. ;) He loves to be "big" like this. He works so hard, but has so much internal motivation, and is also greatly motivated by the praise of those around him.

I also see a "big" boy who is very, very small. Can you believe that boy is nine years old, and it won't be that long before he's ten?

So, as I look at this photo, I grieve for what was taken away from him because he was deemed worthless and was abandoned to a crib in a place of terrible neglect. If anyone had given this boy any opportunities to use his little body, I am convinced he would be walking today. Obviously, so many other things would have been different for him if he had been cared for, and not just kept (barely) alive. But the thing that was on my mind as I was with him at that moment was the thought that this boy's hips should not be in-operably dislocated! Because no one took the time to help him be upright, he has lost the chance to do that independently. Ever.

I also see my messy house when I look at this photo. And this isn't even a very bad picture. I distinctly remember in the weeks before we went to pick Krassimir up, when I was still so useless in the first trimester of this pregnancy and I was lucky if I could get off the couch and put something on the table for supper, thinking that I will never have a clean house. But deciding, too, that there was no way I wanted to ever have to say to this boy that I decided to let him live out the rest of his days in an orphanage, and then age out to a bed in a mental institution so I could have a neat and tidy house. Because this boy didn't need perfect parents who could keep a perfect house - he needed parents. That's why they let us bring him home. ;)

This photo also happens to have been taken on the day that would have been my due date for the baby we lost last summer. As my belly swells with this little one, I am very aware that there is someone we did not get to meet here on this earth.

So many thoughts; joy mixed with tears. But I am SO glad that this is where God has directed my life to go.