Lonely socks (part two)

Rinnah: "I don't WANT to look at the camera! [Wah, wah, wah]"

Leah: "Let's all make funny faces!"

Krassi: (thinking to himself) "What is this weird green stuff anyway??"

Owen: (thinking to himself) "I'm sure the good kid here, and I love posing for the camera, anyway."

Evania: "Zzzzzzzzz"

Reuben: Oblivious, but at least sitting. And facing the right direction. Kind of.

Look! A nice, tidy pile of lonely socks! I have no idea who put these here. [Where do they all come from?]

 I really do love my "job." Although my days are filled with plenty of hairy moments when there are dirty feet and half of the little ones are crying and sassy words are being said, etc, etc, etc, at the end of the day, there are also plenty of beautiful moments that I choose to remember.

This morning the kids and I decided to attempt our annual trip to the donut shop at the end of the school year. I've never done it without dad before, nor with six children. Amazingly, the whole visit transpired without incident, and somehow we got through it looking like I had six model children. This doesn't always happen! But it did today, and it was pure pleasure.

(Although I prefer to post Krassi's smiley looks, we get these kind, sometimes, too. This particular look is part exertion and part "I'm frustrated because I can't pull that big brown thing onto the floor.")

 And these kinds of moments are pretty incredible, too. ;)

Steady progress

I have a baby not quite settled in my lap so will write the simplest of the three posts rumbling in my head.

After (and even during) one of his highest-invoicing months in a long time, Matt has been making steady progress on the house addition, and I've been able to get out and help him occasionally, too!

this is the window-that-will-become-a-doorway, now with the old exterior trim removed and sheet rock installed around it so Matt can mud the corners so he can sand (messy!) before removing the window

view from the back toward the front of the new living area - now with one coat of paint! on the walls and ceiling

this will eventually have a plexiglass window in the opening to allow Matt to look into the living room at floor level from his office, and to keep matchbox cars from falling onto his desk!

First coat of paint in the front part of the living room

Matt mudding in his office

the tile is down in Barb's bathroom (and tonight while I'm working on this, he's out there grouting the tile)

and the fireplace wall is moving along - ready for its last coat of mud

Outside, the kids and I have been working on some of the landscaping because as we get things more settled on the outside of the house, rainwater is more easily managed. We have a lot of plant material in this yard, both from Matt's grandma's garden that got displaced to prepare for the excavation as well as hundreds of hostas from the rock wall garden of our neighbors that we re-located to our yard. Aside from the mulch...

30 cubic yards of messy fun delivered Friday morning!

...we won't have to purchase anything!

One pretty little corner started

We got fantastic news yesterday when the man from the company that is going to do the concrete polishing and staining was here to see the project - because of the rain forecast for the next few days, they're going to be able to start work on our floors on Monday! This was great news, and also news that meant Matt had to kick into high gear to get things ready for them. There can't obviously, be anything on the floors of either the main or lower levels, or the entry/office by the time Monday morning rolls around, and as of yesterday when I took these photos, things were looking a little messy...

...like the entry level stair landing...

...and the office...

...and the basement...

...oh, yes, the basement.

 BUT, when Matt came in for supper, he gladly reported that the basement was empty! There's still some things to move out of the main level, but that wasn't as scary to start with.;)

It's been very easy for me over the last few weeks and the weeks preceding Evania's birth to fall into the trap of thinking that we "needed" to have Barb here...now. She lives very close (about two miles, or six minutes of travel time), but needing to make that round-trip three times a day (and one of those right around the time when supper is wanting to be getting on the table), six times a week was starting to get old after a year and nine months of it. I am so ready for the logistics of our life to not include TWO houses, but to have it all consolidated into one place. Although it will definitely be very nice when this goal is reached, in the meantime I've been reminded that I didn't (and don't!) "need" it to happen, but simply want it to happen. God knows what we need, and has promised to supply all of our needs. Hm. Even as I'm writing this I'm realizing that could very well mean that unbeknownst to me, I need to have my life involve the interruption of daily chasing! Or that Barb needs to be in her house for a little longer, or that her current morning care-giver needs to be working with her for a while longer, or...

Two lessons here for me - first of all, this whole thing isn't all about me!!! God is in the business of orchestrating details that have impact across the scales. I think of the birth of John the Baptist. There's the big scale culmination of history in the incarnation of God in the man Jesus announced by "a voice calling in the wilderness" and the small, individual scale detail that Elizabeth gets to be a mommy! And I delight in the timing of it. She was older when he was born, meaning that she was more able to see his birth as the miracle that it was, but also meaning that she likely had already died before her "baby" was beheaded by Herod. All those years she spent waiting were a blessing of mercy for her! But it's always easy to forget the bigger picture. And this whole deal isn't all about me and what I need and what I'm learning.

Second lesson is simply to remember to rest in God's timing, knowing that he tends to do things at the right time whether we can figure out why it's the right time or not!

One way already that we've seen that the slow timing is part of his plan for this process is in the area of finances. Having committed to taking on the addition and the adoption without incurring any debt means that we need to have actual dollars to be able to keep up with the pace of the work. The money that we got from Matt's Dad's IRA has all been used up since very early this year, so we're working with what excess we have from regular income. This has been working just fine since most of the materials we've needed for the work in 2014 have been things we had already purchased, or else very small cost items (buckets of mud, a roll of tape, a box of screws). So we've been working along not at all hindered by cash flow, but only by time reasons.

I find it to be no coincidence that as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, this past month of May saw Matt having the one of the highest total dollar amount invoiced since he began working on a contract/self-employment basis nine years ago. And now in June we're going to be starting the highest cost item remaining - the concrete finishing. And we'll have enough to pay for it.

What do you think about that!!? I'm saying this because it's good for me to hear it. We have simply been working diligently to complete the work that God has set before us, and it seems to us to be going much slower than we think it ought to go, but as we continue to work, God continues to provide what we need at the right time to keep the work moving forward.

(Hmmm. Can you tell that baby fell asleep and I was able to finish this post off with two hands? "Real" typing goes so much quicker than one-handed pecking!)

Lonely Socks (or, "Why I really love being a mother to six children")

I've had a variation of the Beatles' Eleanor Rigby running through my head this evening. You know - "All the lonely socks, where do they all come from...where do they all belong?" Being mom to six means that I never really have to bother picking up the pile of lonely socks off the living room floor and putting them into the box where I try to keep them because likely the mate will be coming up in tomorrow morning's load...or tomorrow afternoon's!

I love watching all the different ways these little ones interact with each other. (Well, "all" might be too strong - there are plenty of interactions that I do not enjoy! - but many of the different dynamics are such a pleasure to see.)

Like this:

Rinnah watching Reuben feeding Krassi. Love the open mouth on Reuben, and the way Krassi seemed to get it that it was kind of a funny thing for Reu to feed him! And Reuben was so proud. "Nun-nun-nun-dee! [that's Krassi for those of you who don't know Reu-speak] Dew. [which is what Reu calls himself while smugly pointing to his chest]" "Yes, Reuben, you are feeding Krassi!"

Or this:

Blowing bubbles where Krassi can see.

Or this:

The girls decided to picnic for lunch, and packed it all on their own.

And although we have many hands that are not able to help, it is true that many hands make light work.

Owen is able to help mow the grass this year.

Leah and Rinnah helped plant the other window box, and Leah knows all about loosening root balls and preparing the soil.

Ha! didn't mean to upload this one, but I enjoy the mud-stomping parts of motherhood, too. ;)

Besides, if I was a mother of only five, I wouldn't get to spend my evenings snuggling this sweet bundle!

Worth

The introduction of Evania to our family has made me freshly aware of the loss that characterizes the first 9 years of Krassimir's life. When Evania was a few days old, another family who adopted a child from Krassi's orphanage posted a long update on their daughter, and included the following as a post-script:

I have a lot friends and family that have recently had babies.  They are doing the up all night, dog tired, thing.  Sitting and feeding and holding their babies.  And if they are like me, they may be frustrated.  I remember thinking with my newborns, I have so many other things to do, I am not accomplishing much sitting here.  
With M, I have gotten to see first hand all the effects of what happens when what you ARE doing...doesn't happen. I know the emotional impacts of touch and meeting your childs needs are widely publicized, but in reality the impact is further reaching. I want to give you some examples of what you actually are accomplishing in your day.  

• Each time you nurse, your baby is building muscles that are going to allow for speech. 

•  Each time you count their toes, they are realizing that they have feet,  and one day will be able to walk without needing to look at them.  

• Each time you switch sides nursing you are helping their brain realize they have two arms and two legs to use together in completing tasks, as each side takes turns being pressed against you.  

• When you lift them to burp from lying down their inner ear, followed by their brain, is learning how to navigate changes in gravity and will help to keep their body balanced and oriented. 

•  Allowing them to hold your finger or grasp your necklace will help them regulate pressure that is necessary to hold items, like a spoon or crayon. 

•  Kissing their faces will acclimate them to scents and moisture that one day will be in their foods all over their faces. 

All this is helping to build a successful, functioning, little person.  So keep doing what you are doing, mamas!

I would add to that list, "As you help your little one bounce on their little legs, you are forming hip sockets that will not be easily pulled out of joint!" As I read her thoughts, I know I was encouraged, as it's easy to feel like you can't get anything done when you have a newborn, but as the days went by and I slowly became more competent again, those thoughts turned to reflecting on a very day to day basis on what Krassi missed out on. Evania's life is still short enough that we can count it in days (34 days old today!), and as I think about everything that happens during a single day, there is an ache in my heart for my oldest who had many days - thousands of days - somewhere around three thousand four hundred days - that were filled with, for the most part...nothing. (What a miracle it must have been for him when the baba program gave him a few hours twice a week when there was...something!)

In one day of life, Evania is nursed in the early morning hours while everyone else is (usually!) asleep when she starts fussing, is burped and changed between sides by a mama who nuzzles her neck and kisses her face, and rubs her legs and hands and fuzzy little head, and tells her it's okay when she's started to wonder if we're ever going to get to the other side during her diaper change. Then she's put back into her (clean, dry!) bed where she sleeps until she wakes and wants to eat again, and all the sweet snuggling repeats. This time there are brothers and sisters awake, too, who are cooing and fawning over her, and she's carried into a different room to nurse, and then laid on the floor to watch and listen in yet another room. Little people are constantly moving around her, talking to her, or to each other, and generally just making for a very interesting little circus around her.

This repeats all day long with various modifications - her life has routine, but always something new to see, smell, touch, hear...

Every single day is full for this tiny girl. All thirty-four of them, so far, and there's no sign of it stopping any time soon!

And I mourn for every one of those thousands of days that were not this way for Krassi.

And at the same time, I am finding that because of this, there is new and refreshed joy for me in being Krassi's mommy. Sometimes when we're out on the swing, or just sitting around in the living room, I am reminded that this boy has a family, and we get to be that family. It is humbling to realize that for some reason we have been given the honor of giving this boy a life that is full and watching him come alive within that.


~~~~~~~~~


As we navigate the whole health insurance system (yes, apparently Minnesota really is a really good state to live in if you have a disability, and our county in particular is fantastic about connecting their residents who have special needs with services that are available to them) and the public school special education system (just for Reuben at this time), I've commented often to Matt about how many resources our society is willing to put towards working with people like these sons of mine. Sometimes I get to thinking about how very different it would be to raise a child like Reuben or Krassi in a culture/society where we did not live with the luxuries that we do here and now. I imagine us living somewhere where every one of us, including the children, had to work sun up to sun down to earn enough to satisfy, or attempt to satisfy, our basic needs. Countless people both now and throughout history have lived this way. I don't know how we would do that if we had to care for Krassi and Reuben along the way. And I got to wondering, is it only in a wealthy society that we can find value in people who can not contribute in tangible ways?


And then I realized that this is NOT just a current western/wealthy culture thing as we're reading through Deuteronomy on Sunday mornings - God's law is full of injunctions to his people to provide for and care for those who can not advocate for themselves - those who are helpless - those who can not on their own contribute to the bottom line. Even as I'm typing these words, my mind is filled with words from the New Testament as well concerning us:


...while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.


[Guess what - I had to look up where that came from because I couldn't remember beyond "Paul" which doesn't narrow it down much, and turns out it comes right after the passage that surrounds Evania's middle name!]


We are all helpless, useless to God, in that he does not need any one of us - his world is not going to fall apart if one of us messes up or doesn't pull our weight! But he cares for us anyway, and invites us to follow him in the work that he is doing, and second only to loving him with all of our heart, soul, mind, strength, is his command to love others, and to do it in the same way he does for us. God chose to love us, and to sacrifice deeply for us while we were helpless. This is not just a cultural thing, but loving and caring for the helpless - finding value in those who can not contribute to the bottom line - is a God thing.

 ~~~~~~~~

Having a child, and now two, who fall under the umbrella of "special needs" has made me prone to musing at times about what heaven will be like. We know that God will "heal all of our diseases" but living on a daily basis with these two precious people makes me wonder. Will heaven be a place where Krassi and Reuben are "fixed"? You know - so they're like me - able to walk normally and talk normally, and not shriek in odd ways at inappropriate times and places or lick weird things or have seizures or have an intense fascination with picking at other people's feet. I am, after all, the model of perfection, right? Or am I? As I dwell on these thoughts, without fail I circle back to recognizing that, before God, we are all so very, very flawed. And I realize I know so little about what the future after this world holds. What makes a person who they are? When Jesus was resurrected, he still had the scars in his hands and his sides - those wounds weren't erased. Will Reuben's chromosomes still be unusually shaped? (Will we still have chromosomes???) Will he suddenly be able to speak? Or be free from seizures? Why do I put such value on those things? Will the damage done to Krassi's brain when he was born prematurely be reversed? Or will those scars remain? Or what about the slow mis-wiring that happened over those many thousands of days of neglect? 

I recognize that I really don't know what the future will hold, and my frail imaginations about what things will be like when they're "whole" or "right" is really quite self-centered. And I am filled with awe as I realize that most likely, the future of eternity with Jesus holds out something to all of us who will be part of it that is beyond our imagination. "...we shall all be changed." I was talking about this with a friend earlier today, and we were wondering about what the scope of the impact of sin really is on humanity as "all creation is subject to futility" (which, by the way, is another "HOPE" passage!! - see the middle of Romans 8). What will we be like when the burden of sin falls away from us? Perhaps the things that are seen as wrong/lacking/missing in people who seem to so obviously need "fixing" will seem less than petty in comparison to what it means for all of us to live in the "freedom of the glory of the children of God." Doesn't it fill you with wonder and expectation to think that what God is going to accomplish in his people is way more than we can imagine?!


~~~~~~~~~


In the meantime, I am so grateful for these living, breathing reminders of my own lack of perfection and for the daily (hourly! what am I talking about - moment by moment!) opportunities to put into practice what God has called me to - trying to model in my own small, imperfect way his love for his creation, and through my own successes and failures to do that, gaining an ever-richer understanding of the height and depth and width and breadth of his love.

My boys

The view from here

Because Evania is such a good helper (and because Krista was here so I didn't have to be chasing after Reuben for a little while this afternoon!), Krassi and Evania and I were able to get my small window box planted today.

This boy L-O-V-E-S being outside. I know this because he sobs - body-shaking, tears-streaming sobs - almost every time that I carry him back into the house after spending time outside.

Hopefully later this week I will have time to post an update on how he's doing now that he's been home for seven months. We both know him so much better than we did seven months ago, but also have a greater understanding of how much more there is to learn about our oldest son.

And yet more paint

Evania is one month old today!

And that means its been a while since we've done any painting, but yesterday and today with my cousin's wife, Krista, here with us, things are moving forward on that front again! My cousin is out of town for business this week, and Krista offered to drive the 2.5 hours to our house to help out in whatever way she could. And she has! Taking Reuben outside, making supper, washing dishes, and painting! (I just re-read what I've written and realize I used many exclamation points. Can you tell I'm excited that she's been here?)

Yesterday Krista, Matt, and Reuben wiped down all of the walls...

...which meant that last night Matt and Krista were able to prime the main level (not the link, though, yet)...

...and then this morning, while Reuben's buddy Faith was here, Krista and I were able to paint the front part of the new living room.

And, yes, that's Evania helping! Around here, everyone's got to pull their weight, or nothing is going to get done. ;)

 

I don't have photos, but tonight Matt and Krista are doing the first coat on the ceiling. 

Days like these are so encouraging that maybe someday this work will be done and life will "settle down" (ha ha!) a bit again. But I am also convinced that Evania was born the day after Easter so I would have ears to hear one specific tiny part of our pastor's sermon that Easter morning. I can't even remember if it was a significant point of the whole, but when he talked about "wavering in unbelief" (Romans 4:20) it hit me right where I needed to be hit. I'd spent the last week or so prior to that becoming increasingly despondent about how long this baby was taking to arrive, and Saturday was a particularly low day. Matt tried to encourage me with the truth that all things are in God's hands, but I didn't want to hear it that day. Something about the way our pastor spoke that Easter morning made me realize that "wavering" is not simply a going back and forth between believing and not believing, but that wavering is simply a form of unbelief and nothing more. Either I believe that God is in complete control of when and how things happen in this world, or I don't. It's not a back and forth deal. Being brought to that point has made me much more aware of the fact that how I approach this addition is simply that, too. Either I believe that God is still in control of when and how this addition comes to completion, or I don't.

So I am once again choosing deliberately choose to believe that he is! And having made that choice, getting to see progress becomes all the more sweet.

A little help from my "friends"

It's no wonder I get so much done around here (yes, that's slightly tongue-in-cheek! But also yet not entirely tongue in cheek!) - I have so many helpers! Yesterday while Evania slept, Reuben, Rinnah, Krassi and I made a trip to Home Depot to pick up some cedar to make two more raised beds for the vegetable garden, and also picked out some annuals (one of my favorite parts of having a spring birthday is getting to spend birthday money on flowers for my gardens!)

I can't tell you how many times I had people (both employees AND random people shopping!) ask if I needed help as our little train consisting of me and sometimes Reuben pushing or pulling our lumber cart with 8' long cedar lumber on it with one hand and the other helping to guide Krassi's wheelchair as Rinnah was pushing it. It's a long way from one end of the store (where the lumber is) to the other end (where the outdoor garden area is), but we made it, and managed to pick out all sorts of pretty flowers.

What kept making me laugh was the realization that I was surprised that so many people were asking if I needed a hand - I was doing fine! I had only brought half of my children with me! And I know of families who have more than I do!

And yet, at the same time, I do feel a sense of major accomplishment when I look back from the driver's seat and see this:

Forward motion

For the last few weeks especially, we've been hearing from people we know loosely about how great the addition looks when they drive by and how it must be done now, right? No. ;) It's not done. But from the outside, it looks nearly done! It's been a few weeks since there's been anything really noteworthy to report on the progress on the addition, but today seemed like a good day to give a little update.

First of all, "Curly and Cally" have the mudding done on the main level, and have just one more round they need to make on the stairs down and the entry before what we've asked them to do is complete. This is great news, especially because my cousin's wife is going to be able to come down for two partial days and the night in between next week, and with an extra set of hands, we have high hopes of getting painting on the main level started!

"Curly" is down in the entry landing and Matt is working on that corner in the living room.

Even better, Matt was able to get out for a few hours yesterday, and more than just a few hours today, working on getting the fireplace wall from this:

nothing on the fireplace wall...

Three small pieces up near the top

Evania came out to check out the work. Or just to be close to her mom. One of the two...

Four at the top, and the first piece of Durock (fire resistant near the place where it gets hot)

More of both. Oops. The Durock on the left was put on without cutting it into pieces for the expansion joints!

There - expansion joints are in, as well as a few more pieces of regular sheet rock.

to this:

All up and ready for mudding! The open rectangle is both the view in for the inspector who has to give final okay on the fireplace now that the Durock is in place, and also will be a built-in shelf sitting above the mantel.

And though I have other reflections I'd intended to share here, it's late, and I'm done with this computer for the night! ;)